I'm not sure what to feel right now. The funeral home finally called to tell us that Aiden's ashes are ready. We are thinking that we will pick them up tomorrow and take some of them to a beach that is very important to us. I had to call my boss to ask if I could miss a stupid meeting. I can't imagine it would be a problem but I still expect people to tell me no.
I'm confused, I guess. I thought getting that call would bring everything back but I just feel normal right now. There is a perpetual mid level of sadness in everything I do now, but the intense grief, and the incredible rage, seem to come in waves. That bothers me; I don't know what to expect or when it will happen and I feel like I should either be a sobbing mess all the time, or fine. I guess I expected things to be in order and have a definite beginning and end.
That is something that has been shocking in this whole experience, the disorder. A pregnancy is supposed to end in the first few weeks, or near 40, not right in the middle. When did my son's life begin and end? Was he gone when his heart stopped? Or was it when he left my body? Or maybe now, when his body is really gone? Babies are not supposed to be born after they have died; there is no order here, no beginnings and endings, just more or less pain and an echoing emptiness where there should have been light and laughter.
I think this is another part of grief that I hadn't expected, this confusion of being something other than what I expected. I have to learn how to define myself all over again as a bereaved parent, instead of just a parent. I have no idea how to do this.
Someone at glow in the woods mentioned that she had become less patient and understanding with her living child. I have too. I don't understand this. The one thing that terrifies me is that something will take my daughter from me too. So why am I not clinging to her and playing ponies for 3 hours straight? Why do I have to grit my teeth very hard to handle her tantrums without hurting her? It's like there is no room for her in my grieving for Aiden. I hate this, but I don't know how to change it.