Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Unbelievable

I've never been able to find any kind of pattern to my cycles. They are ERRATIC. I always get irritated when the doctors insist on a length between cycles or a length of the period. I tell them 14 to 60 days between and 2 to 14 days long. That usually shuts them up. Keep in mind that it has been this way since my period first showed up 20 years ago. The only time I'm remotely regular is when I'm taking hormones.

Given this, I fail to understand how I could have ovulated on the exact same day two years in a row (the day Aiden was conceived and the anniversary of that day).

I've been bleeding damn near constantly since November. Even high dose birth control didn't completely stop it. When it finally stopped for a few days I missed a pill and it promptly started again. So I expected when I stopped the pills for good in anticipation of starting the Femara, that I would start the next day. This would put my expected ovulation date within days of Aiden's due date. Apparently my ovaries have a sick sense of humor or they are class I assholes. Instead of starting the next day, I started 3 days later. Which, of course, puts my expected ovulation date ON Aiden's due date. What the hell?!

I may be putting too much emphasis on dates, and who the hell knows if I will actually ovulate on day 14, but this seems like a lot more than coincidence. I suppose it could also be divine intervention but I'm not sure this would be a happy coincidence. I don't really know how I feel about it. Other than pissed off that my body is so contrary.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

easy peasy - and I didn't even take off my pants

I'm in a much better mood but still bouncing back and forth between utter terror and hope.

The RE was awesome. He is a member a nonprofit environmental group; I was impressed! He was a nice guy and seemed to actually care about getting me pregnant and not racking up a large account. He took my concerns about clomid very seriously and is one of the very few doctors that did not talk down to us. He actually seems to understand that as biologists we have a basic understanding of how procreation and hormones work.

He is going to do an HSG, which I was pretty sure would be needed, but doesn't need any further blood work right now. He has me starting a round of Femara with nothing else and will check my progesterone after ovulation. I didn't even need an exam! And best of all - the $350 consultation was actually covered by my insurance and cost me $20. I still can't believe that. He said the HSG would be covered too. If we have to move to injectables they aren't covered but I was planning on spending several hundred so that doesn't stress me out. It's actually sounding like we may be able to afford this after all.

So, this round of bcp ends on Sunday (eep!), which of course puts my likely ovulation date within 3 days of Aiden's due date. Of course. But that's way better than having that day as my LMP.

The adoption home study is also moving along. We still think we are going to adopt even if we get pregnant so we aren't changing anything there.

Yikes! I could have another kid (or 2, or 3) by February! (This is me not getting my hopes up - can you tell?)

Going to find the valium now. Deep breaths.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dread

RE appointment is tomorrow. I'm dreading it for a variety of reasons that don't seem to make much sense. First of all, I HATE that I am forced to go see a male gynecologist. I haven't seen one since I was a teenager and was treated horribly because I had the nerve to complain of abdominal pain.

- Whiny women. It's supposed to hurt. God punished Eve for that little apple incident and now you get to pay the price. Shut up and stop wasting my time. (Not that he said that of course).

Also, I have issues with strange men sticking fingers and object in there. That part is going to be really hard. But there is also the fear that this won't work. And the fear that it will work and end up the same or even worse than last time (I'm not sure what would be worse but I'm sure the universe could come up with something. And the fear that it will work and we will lose out on an adoption placement because I am pregnant. Or we will run out of money before we get a real chance at trying (the most likely scenario).

I really, really wish someone would tell me that this will never work. I have a harder time with hope than I do with the certainty that I won't get what I want. At least I could mourn the loss and move on. Instead I may not be able to give up hope until I hit menopause. This ridiculous thought that I got lucky once and could again one day will continue for YEARS. That I dread more than a simple no. This last year and change of holding onto a slim thread of hope has been very hard. I don't want to do that for years. I don't want to be bitter and angry and jealous all that time. But I can't seem to stop myself from hoping without a really good reason not to.

My husband asked me a few months ago if I wanted him to get a vasectomy so that the issue was closed and I could move on. I was PISSED. But I see his point. That, at least, would be closure.

At least tomorrow I should have a little more information. Information is always good.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

FINALLY!!!

They called. Our first home study appointment is tomorrow. Yikes! I'm nervous and excited and kind of pissed that it is finally happening right when I have my first RE appointment.

In other news - my poor big girl who is turning five tomorrow is pretty sick. I'm worried about her because she has an awful full body rash and is just very blah. She hasn't gotten sick enough for the ER but I'm not sure it will stay that way all weekend. Every time she gets sick now I really overreact and spend the whole time trying to decide if I could survive life without her. I HATE that. It feels like I'm just waiting around for her to die. I wish I new how to turn that off - it makes me feel like I'm asking for something horrible to happen.

My craziness aside, it's starting to look like we may have at least one other kid by this time next year. Here's hoping.