Monday, January 31, 2011

heart splitting open

My little girl is a master staller. When she doesn't want to go to bed she knows exactly what to say or do to stretch out the time. One of her most used techniques - and the most successful - is to talk about baby Aiden. Usually I answer her questions, tell her I miss him too, and tuck her into bed. Tonight I just spent 10 minutes muffling sobs and trying to get through her songs.

I had told her she would always be my baby and she said she was a big girl. I told her I remembered her being my little baby. She asked if I remembered baby Aiden and I said "I do."

She burst into tears and wailed, I don't!

-She didn't see him when he was born and I wonder if we should have let her.

Then she told me baby Aiden would never grow up and have a mustache like daddy.

She cried some more and asked me why we couldn't have another baby.


That sound is all the splinters of my heart dropping on the floor.

I hate that I can't fix this. I hate that I have to tell her over and over and over that her baby brother is dead and never coming back. And if that isn't bad enough, she may never get to be a sister to a live sibling.

And the stupid cat ran away when we moved and hasn't been seen in 10 days.

I have so much more to get into - the move into the bigger house for more kids and the stalled adoption, the increasing fertility (now health) issues that could very well be related to the damn oil spill, the stress of possible job loss and various other things - I just can't get the time. I'm tired and stressed and right now have a massive migraine. I think I'll take the computer to work tomorrow and write up some posts. I think it's the only way I'll get what I need written.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I am continually confounded by how many things in our every day lives were affected by our baby's death.

This morning I was crying about this post at Uppercase Woman. I've been reading her for years and feel so bad for the horrible decision she may have to make. It brought back a lot of the helplessness and rage I felt when we got Aiden's diagnosis. I was dwelling on that as I left my house this morning.

We're moving into our new, bigger house tomorrow. The house that we are getting so that we can adopt, because we didn't get the child we thought we would.

While trying to figure out our taxes I had to click past the 'add a dependent' link 3 fucking times.

I spent all day on the phone with the lawyer and the bank and the real estate broker and then the IRS, trying to figure out how the hell to claim the loss on the house that was taken in the bankruptcy. The bankruptcy we wouldn't have done if our baby had lived.

At the same time that I was stressing out about money and time and things that needed to be done I was thinking that we wouldn't be getting this fabulous new house if we had another mouth to feed (and higher daycare bills) right now. We may have even had to file bankruptcy anyway. We may actually be better off financially without the 8 month old I thought we would have by now.

It boggles the mind.

I found out today, when I was very stressed indeed, that my baby sister will not be coming to live in this area. Instead she is moving to Alaska. I have no hope of getting to Alaska and she may not get leave to come here. I am crushed by this news. She is the only family member I have left that is sane and not one of my abusers. I miss her horribly. I've seen her twice since my wedding in 2003 - once when I stayed with her for a week after losing my job and once when she came down here and stood with me to watch my son die. Less than happy, stress free visits. I wanted her here so badly. I don't have friends I can rely on when I have a bad day like this. I just wanted someone I loved to be near (other than my husband, of course).

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Seriously, does anything work around here?

I can't believe it. I gave up on my stupid body figuring out what to do and went on continuous BC to "suppress" ovarian function AND I AM STILL FREAKING BLEEDING!!


I know if I call my gyn she will prescribe something with more hormones, which will make the side effects worse. Great.

I am so damn frustrated with my body and dealing with all the medical crap. I'm also tired of the constant whining I do on here.

So here is plan, oh - I don't know, maybe H?

I am going to stay on this pill for now and go get a massage and acupuncture. I will try that for two months. If there is still this stupid spotting I'll try the stronger pills for one cycle. At that point, 3 months from now, I will go to the RE. I will be 35. That number pisses me off. So does the number 7. 7 years of trying to get pregnant on my own. Two pregnancies, one baby. Obviously I am not all that good at this.

All of this is contingent on what happens with the adoption stuff. We are finally being assigned a caseworker to do our home study. I know a foster parent with an adorable 2 month old that is likely to enter TPR (termination of parental rights) soon so I'm hoping I can get my home study completed in time to express an interest. My husband flat out refuses to consider legal risk so the chances of finding an infant are pretty slim. For the most part I'm okay with that because the adoption plan was never about getting an infant, it was about growing our family and something we always planned to do. That doesn't change my soul deep longing for another infant, though. I wish I could let that go; my life would be so much easier.