Friday, May 27, 2011

Hard day

So this is cycle day 2. I had to go in for my baseline ultrasound today because the satellite office is closed on weekends and the main office is over an hour away. They were nice enough to do the scan today. It went well but the news from the doctor is not good.

He is very concerned about the severe migraine I got with the Fe.mara. I was on that to begin with because I had a bad reaction to Clo.mid. The nurse told me that it is really rare to have someone that reacts badly to, and even more rare to have someone react badly to Fe.mara. So I guess that puts me on the bad side of statistics again. The nurse said that the headache could have been a sign of high blood pressure or something else equally dangerous. She kept emphasizing that I already had a baby (I'm aware of that, thanks) and that it wasn't worth risking my life for another (does that mean it is worth it for one?). She told me to go ahead with the Fe.mara and the monitoring but if the headache returns I have to stop the meds immediately and this cycle will be canceled. Which would mean I just threw away the $300 I spent on the baseline ultrasound and the blood tests.

On a good note - the monitoring is not as insanely expensive as I thought. The chart I saw was for injectibles. The nurse I saw today at the satellite office said she has a free round of the trigger shot to give me. I just about leaped over the counter to kiss her.

Unfortunately, if I don't respond well to the meds, we are at the end of the road. I can't pay for the injectibles so there is no point in continuing. I'm trying not to borrow trouble by assuming this cycle won't work, but I've pretty much spent the entire day crying. I kept saying after my pregnancy with Kira that I would much rather get a baby another way. Sometimes lately it seems like I should have been careful what I wished for.

Of course now I just feel like a heal because I caught up on my reader and there are so many women out there dealing with this and worse that have never had a living child. My heart goes out to them because I just can't imagine that level of pain, or the strength it takes to keep going. But despite feeling bad for wallowing is self pity, I can't seem to shake it. So I am baking french bread and drinking wine and crying. I think a hot bath is next.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

End of the conversation

Yes, car, the voices did get louder when I covered my ears. Should I be worried?

me: well, voice in my head, not pregnant after all, hmmm?

sv: umm, well, it looked promising?

me: shut the eff up and pass the wine.

CD 1 again. I haven't gotten the beta back, not much point to it now, I almost don't want to know. I'm waiting for a call back from the RE for the next steps. I doubt I will be able to afford anything else right now. Hopefully our house will sell before the trustee auction and we can at least get a couple of thousand out of that disaster.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was certainly not infertile.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The circus in my brain

stupid voice in my head (sv): Dude, it's cycle day 30 and you are only spotting a tiny, tiny bit. You're pregnant.

me: shut up. I ovulated late. And the spotting is that stupid luteal phase defect.

sv: how do you know? You stopped temping. You could have ovulated on the 11th - which would make this 14dpo. And you've spotted before while pregnant. You're pregnant.

me: I probably didn't ovulate until the 13th - it could have been as late as the 15th. And look at how that last spotting turned out - big giant sign that something was really wrong.

sv: but why are you peeing so much? And crampy? You never get cramps before your period.

me: I don't know what you are talking about (sticks head in sand).

sv: pee on a stick!

me: NO!

sv: come on, at least you'll know, right?

me: No, I won't. It will just make me more crazy. If it's negative I'll think it's too early. If it's faint I will think it is a chemical pregnancy or ectopic. Even if it were indisputably positive I would think it was a chemical or ectopic. Nope, too scary.

sv: (in singsong) you're pregggnant ...

me: (fingers in ears) LA LA LA I can't hear you!!!

sv: call the clinic, see what they say.

me: I already did, dammit. They said to get a beta done.

sv: HA HA! I told you! Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

me: Go to hell. I only did it to shut you up.

sv: Mmm hmm, whatever you need to tell yourself.

me: *angry scowling face*

Beta tomorrow - first thing in the morning. Then off to the psychiatric consult for the voices in my head.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


So much for this cycle, and the next one as well. I bought two more OPT's from the dollar store. One for tomorrow and one for Monday, assuming that I would know one way or the other by Monday night.

Except my traitorous, scum-sucking, deceitful uterus decided to ruin my weekend and the month by starting EARLY. Right now it is just spotting, but I expect a period by tomorrow. Even though I don't know what day I ovulated, the earliest possible date puts this at 12 dpo, so the luteal phase defect is still there, even with the meds.

Of course there is still the slim possibility that this is just the same type of spotting I had early on with Aiden, but I very much doubt it.

The next option has to be a monitored cycle. There is no use spinning my wheels doing the same thing over and over with the same result. There are two problems with that;
a. I probably can't afford it,
b. I would have to come in on cd3 for an ultrasound and start meds. I can't because I am going on an overnight trip for work that can't be changed.

I don't know how rigid that cycle day 3 thing is, but it doesn't really matter - see (a) above.

I knew I would be horribly disappointed if this cycle didn't work out, and I am. But I'm really not surprised. I think I used up all of my good fortune with the birth of my daughter. I can learn to be content with that, I hope, but not right now.

I miss the smell of a newborn. The coos and grunts and unhappy cries. Today I held a 7 month old and he kept smooshing my face into his and chewing on my fingers. I just melted. My friend that is fostering him was not sure they wanted to adopt again (he is their fourth) but her husband fell in love and refused to let him go. I want that, but I realized tonight that I want that without feeling like I stole it from someone else.

Likely the only way I will ever have a newborn is if we do a private adoption (not like I can afford that either), but I have seen some of the predatory practices that adoption agencies use and I am not confident I can find one that respects the first mother enough. Adoption is loss - to someone, somewhere. If the biological parents don't miss the child, the child will miss them, even if they never met. Somewhere there is probably an aunt, a grandmother, even a sibling that wonders what might have been. I know that adoption can provide a much better life, but how do you know? My mother was coerced from her mother and I know things like that still happen. How can I justify getting my dream by ripping it away from someone else?

I don't know where to go from here. I'm still hopeful that something will pan out with the foster adoption but our chances are extremely limited by my husband's refusal to consider legal risk placements. Apparently I'm the gambler in the family. He told me we never had to try again after Aiden died, but I'd rather risk getting my heart broken again then give up so I keep going. Unfortunately he is only with me so far. He can't stand the idea of falling in love with a child to have them returned to their abusive/neglectful family or placed somewhere else. It's really frustrating but I'm certainly not going to force him.

I open to any advice or encouragement. I'm feeling pretty bleak over here.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Oh how I hate the waiting

Our home study was finally turned in and we are still waiting for our background checks. But now we are down to weeks instead of months. The only problem is that we aren't sure if we will get a caseworker assigned to us. If we don't we will be our only advocates, which will make it much harder to find children. On the plus side, tomorrow is the adoption picnic and the caseworkers my co-worker had will be there. They are very nice people and hopefully they will help us get someone on our side. I wish I could have them but we are in the wrong county.

I'm really looking forward to this picnic. We've been to two but haven't talked to any kids yet. We are both kind of shy and it was awkward trying to figure out how to approach someone. Somehow "hi! do you need a family?" doesn't seem appropriate. It's also very hard to tell who is a caseworker and who is a parent. But now that I know some of the faces I can figure out who to talk to. And since we actually HAVE a home study now, I feel a lot more comfortable talking to the kids.

On the ttc front, here is where I whine, feel free to skip this one.

I know I ovulated, I just don't know when. Sometime between the 9th and the 15th. So I could start (or get a massive surprise) sometime between Monday and Friday. I really, really hate uncertainty (I know, shocking right?).

Besides the obvious, this is a problem. I'm leaving early Monday morning to drive 4 hours with my male co-worker to get on a boat for about 8 hours. NOT a good time to be doubled over with cramps and bawling because I'm not pregnant. Or to be anxious and poking my boobs to see if they are sore. Also, my clinic wanted to do a beta on cd 28 - that's not going to happen. I don't care as much about that because I can always get a stick to pee on, but the timing does suck.

I couldn't stand it and took a test today - negative, of course. In the best case this would be cd 11, so still pretty early.

I hate waiting! Wah, Wah, Wah!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Quickie update

I need to go to bed, I have a long day tomorrow. My progesterone was 18 - according to the nurse definitely post ovulation. FF thinks I'm 8dpo, I think I'm 7. Now it's just more waiting.

And! My home study is finally completed, not yet approved. Yikes!!

Friday, May 13, 2011

This is what I get for not questioning

I like my RE (so far, I only met him once), I really do. What happened with this cycle is, I think, mainly my fault. When I talked to the RE I emphasized that money was an issue but forgot to emphasize that I really don't know what my body does, because it never does the same thing twice, and I wanted to be monitored. So he decided that I wanted as little intervention as possible and didn't offer aggressive (read, expensive) monitoring. All he wanted was a 7 dpo progesterone check. That would have been fine if I had gotten a normal response after taking the Femara, but of course that didn't happen.

My temps started out normal for me, except a little more stable. Then they dipped really low. So low that I thought my thermometer was broken, or I was dying. I bought a new thermometer to double check and it was reading the same. So after several days of low temps and really so-so fertility signs, my temp starts to rise. It jumped up quite a bit from the low point but was about even with the beginning of the cycle. I thought this meant I hadn't ovulated, especially since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet. I did get what I think was a positive OPK the day after my temp rose. The following day the line was definitely darker than the control. The day after that it was still positive. My temp did not go up again so I have no idea if I ovulated or not. It's now been 4 days since the temp rose so I had to hurry up and get the progesterone test set up. That meant scrambling around to find a fax machine and waiting all day to hear back from a nurse.

my chart

When she finally called me, at 6pm, she told me that she thought temp charts were useless, and I quote, "only show how inadequate your body is". She said she wanted to have that put on a t-shirt and was amazed that I had the stamina to chart as long as I have; she only lasted a few months. I agree with her 100%. That's why I quit charting last year. It was just a daily reminder that my body was failing to do what millions of other female bodies seem to have no trouble with. One simple thing and it just couldn't manage it. I didn't know there was another way to track ovulation and she described the protocol she likes to use. Day 3 is an ultrasound to check for cysts and any other problems, and then start fertility meds. Day 12 is a trigger shot to induce ovulation, followed by another ultrasound (I forget which day) to confirm ovulation and a progesterone check on day 21. They tell their patients not to use OPT's and just come in for a beta. So in light of my confusing chart she said to just come in Monday for the day 21 progesterone level. At least I will know if I actually ovulated.

After she said this I told her I was upset that the doctor hadn’t mentioned that protocol because I wasn’t sure I could do another Femara cycle with the migraines it gave me. She said that my RE is very good at reading people and he must have thought the cheaper, less invasive route was preferable to me. I wish he had asked but with the information he had, it was a logical assumption.

So here I am, possibly at 4 dpo, contemplating another cycle of excruciating migraines. I think I can do it if I will get definite answers. Am I ovulating and ovulating well? After that I think we will have to give up or move to injectibles. I seriously doubt the injectibles have fewer side effects, I’m just hoping they have different side effects. Hopefully I will learn this lesson; that I need to speak up for what I want. Hopefully this cycle isn’t wasted.

It has been an especially hard cycle because I possibly ovulated just before Aiden’s due date. Conception could have occurred on his due date. This is messing up my head because it seems like one hell of a coincidence. It is very hard to not attribute divine intervention in those dates (especially considering my period was 3 days late to get this timing). But the problem with suspecting divine intervention is that it gives me too much hope. Surely if God, fate, Aiden, or the universe intervened to cause that timing, they wouldn’t do it for a failed cycle? So I am stuck in this vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and pessimism.

At least my 2WW was shortened by my not catching my (alleged) ovulation until four days later. More news on Monday when I get my progesterone check.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Day 6 of Femara migraine

The whole house looks like this (I spared you the kitchen). The five year old is in complete control. The husband is lucky I need his sperm. Thank god it is Friday and this cycle better work!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Good news and something no one will tell you about bankruptcy

Both tubes are open. That is a shock to me. My lap back in 1998 showed one ovary completely fused to the tube with scar tissue. I was SURE that tube was useless. Apparently there is some other reason it is so hard for me to get pregnant (which is kind of depressing, actually). But at least that is one worry off the table. I no longer have to be concerned which side I'm ovulating from. The procedure was not bad. I was glad for the valium because I had really worked myself up. The lortab was probably overkill but judging by the twinge I did feel, I really would have wanted it if the tube was blocked.

As for the bankruptcy. As many of you know I lost my job in 2008. We lost most of our belongings, including our newish car and our house that we had remodeled all by ourselves. We were just getting back on track when Aiden died. The train promptly left the track and crashed horribly in a field somewhere, never to be recovered. No one would work with us on payments while I was out of work. We filed bankruptcy. I knew that things would not be easy in the credit department after that but I was more concerned with keeping a roof over our heads. What I didn't expect was how horribly everyone would treat us. I did not know that insurance companies use your credit history to determine rates. To get affordable renters insurance I had to go to some no name fly by night company and hope they would still be around if we had a claim. I tried to get cheaper auto insurance and discovered that our rates have DOUBLED. Because my son died. How fucking shitty is that? I cried and cried on the phone with the damn insurance company. If we keep our current insurance we may still have to pay more. The company I talked to today said that if they (our current company) check our credit, which they probably do once a year, they will most likely increase our premiums. BECAUSE OUR SON DIED. I am so unbelievably angry about this. No one cares, or will even listen, about the reason we filed bankruptcy. My credit is actually still good - I have 15 years worth of on time payments and my score is currently 700. So I get screwed because because I had the bad taste to have a horrible loss while carrying credit card balances. So thanks, corporate america, for reinforcing just how shitty it is to lose a child and just how little anyone cares (present company excepted, of course).

Monday, May 2, 2011

Google is on to me

My husband hates it when he uses my chrome browser and it automatically fills stuff in. He sees it as "the man" watching and recording everything. I laugh at him and call him paranoid. I like that my web browser knows what I like, and I like that I don't have to type my name and address over and over again. I'm not stupid, I don't save passwords or sensitive information. However, sometimes I get a little weirded out by google. I've noticed in the last few days that all my email adds are for IVF services. I haven't emailed anyone about anything infertility related. It took me a minute to realize that my blog is also run by google.

(Whispers) They know everything . . .

It's creepy. I'm a little bothered. And hey, Google! I am NOT getting IVF! I can't afford it, stop sending me those damn adds. ART is not the same as IVF. You don't automatically get a kid from a petri dish the moment you walk into an RE's office. Enough already.

In other news, and this is sure to bring on the Google adds, my HSG is Wednesday. My RE prescribed valium and lortab for it. This freaks me out a lot. Just how much do they expect this to hurt that they want me to be so stoned?