Tuesday, June 28, 2011

ambivalence

I haven't heard anything new about the kids we are supposedly being considered for. When I tried to ask the coordinator if they will tell us if we are NOT selected (so I know to stop worrying about it) she got defensive and didn't really answer the question. I'm pretty sick of trying to get answers from her without pissing her off. She literally holds our lives in her hands and I fucking hate that. She is a burned out, bitter old woman that can't find anything positive to say and I have to be nice to her so she doesn't sabotage our chances at building our family. It is so incredibly frustrating to know what we want and have to accept that the outcome is completely out of our hands. It all comes down to luck and other people doing the jobs they are payed to do. AGGHH!

On the other hand, I have my stupid brain's continuing refusal to give up hope on the biology front. After talking to my clinic I went ahead and filled another Fe.mara script. They were fine with me not getting monitoring if I wasn't having headaches. So I got the meds, and then forgot to take them on CD3. Says a lot about my frame of mind, right? I just started on day 4, figuring that I can't really make my cycle any worse and one day shouldn't make any difference. Problem is, the last two days I've had a migraine all day. This is not a good sign. I may be forced to give up hope but I find myself curiously unconcerned. Is this denial? Or am I finally getting to acceptance? I have no clue. All I know is that I don't really want to be doing another cycle, but I can't make myself stop either.

I need a lobotomy.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Crazy couple of days

In the midst of my deep anger and depression over my stupid body's inability to do one simple task there has been a flurry of emails about children.

It started on Monday. I had called the adoption coordinator for our area last week to find out when we would get a copy of our home study. There were two children in different states we wanted to inquire about and we needed the study to send. She said it was in the mail and asked what type of children we were looking for. I told her ideally a sibling group of two where at least one child was under 7. She sent me an email (to my work address) that I didn't get until after a long day in the field on Monday.

She wanted to know if we wanted to be considered for a sibling group of two. A little boy who is 6 and a girl who is seven. The problem is that they are legal risk. For those that don't know, legal risk means their case plan has moved from reunification to adoption but there is still the possibility that the parents could complete their case plan and get the children back, or a relative could show up wanting to adopt. My husband has said he's not willing to do legal risk because he thinks it will be too hard on me and K if we lose a child we are attached too. I'm a little more willing to risk getting my heart broken if it means getting more kids. That's pretty much what infertility is anyway, month after month of heartbreak and pain. At least with the adoption there is a very, very good chance that eventually it will work out.

So we talked, and he agreed (reluctantly - I think only because I was devastated about the latest negative) to be considered for the children and decide after we have more information if it's a risk we want to take. Progress!

Even though I checked at home Tuesday after another long day in the field, I didn't notice until yesterday that she had sent another email 20 minutes later asking about 2 more children. These were separate cases of 4 year old girls. One has speech and learning delays but is progressing well, the other has ADD and some oppositional behaviors. As soon as I emailed her back that we'd like to be considered she sent another email about a boy/girl sibling group, ages 2 and 7. I replied I'd like to be consider for all of them and then she wrote back that the legal risk staffings for the two 4 year old girls had been canceled because one had a relative show up and the other had just had TPR completed, meaning she is free and clear for adoption.

So - we are now in the running for FIVE different children. One is free for adoption so the only issue is whether we are a good match. The others are 2 different boy/girl sibling groups right in the age range we really wanted. The 2 and 7 year old are really ideal. That way K gets to be the big sister and has an older sibling that is close enough in age to play with.

I'm a little hopeful. Don't get me wrong, I still break down in painful sobs every time I start to dwell on the fact that we can't pursue anymore fertility options. But now at least the adoption stuff is going somewhere and we have a real chance at a larger family. Things seemed so much bleaker on Monday.

Of course the waiting for the staffings and match meetings is going to drive me crazy, but that does seem to be the nature of the game.

Monday, June 20, 2011

It can't get any whiter than that.

A glaring negative, and oh look, is that blood? Why yes, of course it is.

That's it, universe. You broke me. I am fucking done.*





*I reserve the right to change my mind if I win the lottery.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Long time, no update

So sorry. I have been posting updates on Glow and really thought I had updated here. For all of the two readers I have left after my blog neglect, here is an update.

Nothing terribly exciting. Another endless 2ww. This is my first ever monitored cycle. I had an encounter with Mr. Wandy on CD 3, followed by 5 days of Fema.ra. Thank goodness, this time no migraine. That is a huge relief because another round of migraines would have nixed not only this cycle, but any future assisted cycles. I was pretty damn scared for the first two weeks.

I went in on CD 12 for another date with Mr. Wandy (he really needs to work on his wooing skills - that freaking hurt) and was told I had one "nice" follicle. I think it was on the large side (22mm) but the RE wasn't concerned. So I did a trigger shot, which one of the nurses gave me for free (I LOVE her) and should have ovulated between the 7th and 8th, so I have 4 more days before I will know if this worked.

I'm trying extremely hard not to think about it. The last 10 days have already felt like a month. Everything seems to hinge on that one tiny egg. Thanks to the $1000 I just had to put into my 13 year old car, I don't have enough for another cycle unless they will let me go without monitoring (unlikely). I can probably try again next year, but that seems forever from now and I'm only getting older.

To help with the 2WW crazies, I have a head cold/severe allergy thing and can't tell if the nausea is from that or could be a pregnancy symptom. I keep telling myself that it's way to early to get symptoms and so far I believe it. Unfortunately, I can't take any of the meds that would make me better because they are all class C. While I certainly am willing to suffer a lot worse than a horrible cold for a live baby, I'm going to be REALLY pissed if I'm not pregnant and had to be miserable for no reason.

So, I will update on Wednesday.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Right where I am: 1 year, 5* months, and 2 days

Thanks Angie, for a wonderful project.

At 6:05 am on New Year's day in 2010 a very small, very still little boy was brought into the world. His parents loved him and named him Aiden, flame, for the brief little flame that was his life.

Sometimes it feels like my life stopped that day, and my current existence is a weird sort of afterlife where I have to worry about things like dentist appointments and paying the bills. Other times it seems like the period between August 2009 to January 2010 was just a long and terrible dream. Part of me still lives in that ultrasound room, wishing things would end differently, and part of me is here, living my life. It is a weird sort of dichotomy that I have gotten used to. It is my new existence.

I wasn't going to participate in this project because I didn't think I had anything to say. But I was loading pictures onto F.ace.boo.k, the first thing I have done on that site since announcing Aiden's death, when I realized that my life is mostly back to normal. This normal is not what I had pictured, but to outside observers it appears normal.

I thought about posting something about Aiden when another anniversary comes and then wondered if anyone would ask if I was over his death. Of course I am not over it. I've known from the start that there is no "over" with this type of loss, but I do think I am past his death. I no longer dwell constantly on what could have been or where I went wrong. I no longer question my decisions on a daily basis and wish I had known how things would go. I am more accepting of the fact that I had no control and could not have predicted, or changed, anything. This doesn't mean I don't still miss him with a deep, painful longing, or that I'm not still angry over my body's failure, but I am doing okay now.

I think if I had to sum up a feeling for where I am now, it would be to say, I got through his death. I am not "over it" but I did get through it. I survived a hell I had never imagined. I kept going until I didn't have to force myself to go through the motions every minute. I never consciously thought, "I will live until tomorrow," but looking back I can see that is what I was doing. Living another day, and another, until living became easy again. It took a long time. A year and some change doesn't seem that long intellectually, but it felt like decades. Some days were just so hard to get through that they felt like weeks. But now here I am, on the other side, and I can see the sunshine again and plan for the future. And part of me will always be sad that I can do that without my son.

*When I wrote this I had to count the months - which tells me that I am really not dwelling on the loss anymore. I originally posted that it was 4 months and then realized I had counted wrong. I never would have thought that could happen even six months ago.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Slightly better . . . and something I haven't told you yet

I have new babies in the house. Not the species I was really hoping for, but an absolute pleasure anyway.



Sorry about the grainy picture, I was in low light and not really able to move. That is me laying on my living room floor with a pillow under my hips and a heating pad on my back. I managed to throw my back out at work again yesterday so I am trying to avoid the doctor's office today and taking it easy. I realized I hadn't told anyone here about the kittens yet and they came over for some love while I was reading blogs. I thought I would share the cuteness. The black one is Lei-lei and she is nursing on my neck. The tabby is Petri and he is a sweetheart. Lei-lei is trouble. She is always the first to try something and usually gets Petri to do it to and then lets him take the fall.

I'm a little more hopeful. I haven't gotten a migraine yet and I only have one more dose of Fe.mara left. I go in for a trigger shot on the 6th. I don't really expect this to work but at least I don't have to give up right now without even trying. In the meantime I will enjoy my new little babies and my big girl.