Saturday, January 16, 2010

Aiden's lullaby

This is what I sang under my breath as the doctor was injecting his heart. I hoped he could here me and wouldn't be scared.

All the pretty little horses, Laurie Berkner

Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, you'll have cake and
All the pretty little horses

Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, you'll have cake and
All the pretty little horses
Dapples and grays, chestnuts and bays
All the pretty little horses

Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleep you little baby
When you wake, you'll have cake and
All the pretty little horses

All the brown ones, all the black ones,
All the pretty little horses
All the blue ones all the yellow ones,
All the pretty little horses
All the green ones all the pink ones,
All the pretty little horses
All the orange ones all the purple ones
All the pretty little horses

So hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby.

I keep singing this in my head when I'm rocking my daughter. Sometimes all I think about when I'm holding her is that it should be may and I should be rocking my son. I hope she doesn't know.

3 comments:

  1. Hi,

    I came to you via glow in the woods. I just want to share with you that we had a son born with undiagnosed trisomy 13-full term. He lived for 2 days. I believe all of his life was physical suffering and there was nothing we could do to help him. Since his head to toe birth defects were a surprise-not picked up by our crack pot ob he was intubated and flown across the state. It was horrible to see him suffer. One of his nurses at the children's hospital said he was the saddest kind of baby -because he had no potential to live. Do not second guess your instinct to protect your baby. Much love to you.

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  2. Thank you. It's so hard for me because the genetic problem he had - a large portion of the 2nd chromosome missing - has not been documented in another child, not to the extent that he had it. There was no sure way to know that he would not live but we did know for sure that he would require multiple surgeries immediately after birth. We also knew that no other child with even a small portion of this part missing had been able to care for itself. When we weighed the risk of what you described (and I am so sorry you had to go through that) we just couldn't justify putting him through that. Even if it meant we could never hold him alive. But it still hurts so unbelievably badly and I still don't know, for absolutely sure, that it was what needed to be done. At least I know that he is at peace know, it is only the living that are suffering.

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  3. 'it is only the living that are suffering.'

    yes. wherever he is, he's at peace now. and you absolutely did the right thing. you prevented your son from unnecessary suffering. what more could you do?

    my heart broke at the end of your post. it's natural to wish you had Aiden. it doesn't help that you have a daughter. it's just not fair that you can't have both your children.

    thinking of you.

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