Friday, July 31, 2009

We interupt these messages . . .

Today is an important day so I'm going to leave the journey so far stuff for a little bit. In about an hour I have an appointment with my GYN to get my first prescription of Clomid. I've been on Metformin for three months and it has regulated my cycles to a point but I am still bleeding 3-7 days after ovulation, which if you know your infertile stuff, means I can't get pregnant (odds are against it, anyway).

I'm scared this is the end of the road. If the clomid doesn't work, that's it - no more babies. Maybe ever. I can't go to an RE, my insurance doesn't cover it and probably never will. We live paycheck to paycheck. I can scrape up the money for the meds but not for the follow up tests or even supporting tests (ultrasounds, hormone checks, etc.). Insurance won't cover any of it. They are fooled into covering this appointment because I have PCOS which they are willing (reluctantly, I'm sure) to cover.

The worst part is that I didn't want to go this route. I wanted to give up on my stupid body and just adopt, but we can't do that either. Private adoption is way out of the question financially. But even foster care adoption is not possible right now. After both of us being out of jobs for half a year we are in heavy, heavy debt for the next ten years. Foster adopt requires that we take parenting classes and have a home study. Both of these are out of pocket until the adoption is finalized in addition to the expense of childcare while we are taking the classes. We just can't come up with thousands of dollars. I suspect we would fail a home inspection anyway because we could only afford a two bedroom apartment. I don't want to limit ourselves to one girl just because we don't have the room.

I'm so angry - I just wanted two children. They don't even have to be from my body. With crappy insurance and no real job opportunities, even with an advanced degree, I feel like I wasted my education and have no real purpose. Don't get me wrong - I'm extrememly grateful for my daughter. I just didn't think it was asking too much to want another baby/child.

The Beginning: Part 1

I'm writing this not knowing if anyone else will ever see it. I needed a place to vent about my frustrations with trying to build a family. So far I haven't found anyone in my circle of friends that I can really confide in.I've been reading infertility blogs since 2004 when I first started trying to get pregnant. I was very, very lucky that I was able to do so without medical intervention in a fairly reasonable amount of time, even though it didn't feel that way at the time. I had been told when I was 19 that due to my endometriosis, multiple infections of unknown origin, and the scar tissue that had adhered my right tube to my right ovary, that my chances of getting pregnant on my own were 50/50. I was prepared (I thought) for a long and difficult journey to a family. I already knew when I got married that I may never have biological children but I really wanted to experience pregnancy, birth, and nurturing an infant with my body.The day after I finally convinced my relectant spouse that I wanted to try NOW, I ran out and bought a thermometer and started keeping charts. My cycles have always been wildly erractic so I didn't even know if I was ovulating. After several months of temperature charting, I found a cheap way to get ovulation strips (Kmart had 30 for $30, but now you can get them on Amazon) and I started using them. I soon discovered, to my surprise, that although my cycles were irregular it was only the beginning that varied. I was ovulating and I was getting a period exactly 14 days later. This was a revelation! For the first time ever I could tell when my period would start.