Sunday, May 27, 2012

This is not going so well

I thought I was getting better after I spent over $400 on the ER, the accupuncture, the chiropractor, and two massages, but Friday afternoon the pain became completely unbearable again and by the time I got home all I could do was lay face down on the floor and sob.

I'm not even 6 weeks yet. I can't imagine keeping my job if this doesn't get significantly better. I can't imagine spending the next 9 months laying on my back on the floor. The max I've spent off of the floor in the last 2 days was an hour in my rocking chair but I still had to have the heating pad or ice pack to tolerate it. I have literally never been in so much pain in my life. Even the car accident and labor without anesthetics was not this bad. I remember a few times during especially hard contractions that I had the desperate feeling of wanting to leave my body, but that only lasted a few minutes at a time, not hours, and it was over in 2 days. I've been going on two weeks tomorrow with this. I can only type in short bursts so getting any work done from home is going to be pretty difficult.

I'm pretty sure from the radiating pain and numbness in my arm that I've ruptured a disk in my neck. I can't get the kind of treatment that would allow me to return to work without a significant risk of miscarriage. I'm the major wage earner so losing my job would have some pretty sever consequences. I'm still hoping the chiropractor can get me mobile again but that will take time that we can't really afford. I could use some positive thoughts right now.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Nothing like a little drama to get me writing again

My alternative title: I think I cursed the universe one too many times. It is cursing me back.

I had to laugh today. I feel like the awkward guy in 2 1/2 Men when he thought he was cursed by a satanic girl Char.lie was dating. Here is the list of what has happened in the last 3 weeks.

Good: Our adoption of our teenage daughter from foster care is finalized. YIPEE!!

Bad: Our fridge breaks. We have it sort of working but can't put anything in it that will be damaged by freezing or go bad quickly. We're coping by shopping several times a week. We can't afford to replace it unless we get our money back from the IRS. Annoying but not the end of the world.

Good: I find out I'm pregnant. Awesome news except now I'm scared to death.

Bad: I do something horrible to my neck that has me laid up (on the floor) for going on 6 days now. I've already spent more money than I want to think about trying to get back to work since I don't get sick leave.

Good: I finally reach the IRS and find out the error that took most of our return is easy to fix but will take 3 months.

Bad: Dishwasher starts making horrible noises and my sister sent me a text that the shop vac she borrowed is blowing black smoke. I am ignoring both of these until forced to do something.

Really bad: A mysterious puddle of water in the laundry room turns out to be a rusted out master bathtub that has been slowly leaking for quite some time and created a very large patch of mold on the wall. Awesome. Thank God we are renting.

Bad: My left, lower eyelid started swelling and turning red and hurts. (whispers) just like that show where Al,an got cursed!


If my head starts spinning you will know why.

If anyone has an in with the appliance fairy, I could really use a good word right now.

Looking back at this list I feel a little less persecuted. Even though the bad outnumbers the good right now, the good is so awesome that it outweighs the bad. I guess that's not so bad of a deal, overall.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Doctors are cowards (sorry sis)

If you mention severe pain and pregnancy in the same consult, be prepared to get shoved out the door. I'm really fucking sick of hearing "there's really nothing I can do for you."

I realize that taking pain medications while pregnant is a big risk. It's one I'd rather not take, but not even the supposed "alternative specialists" want anything to do with me. I don't think all this stress and anxiety and not sleeping would be good for a baby either.

I broke down in the doctor's office today. As soon as I said pregnant she acted like I was trying to hide something from her. It was on my damn chart! I swear everyone thinks I'm a morphine addict that just happened to get pregnant and is desperately trying to come up with a good enough reason to get a prescription. For the record - I've never taken morphine; my pain is bad, but not that bad. This new doctor is supposed to be a holistic practitioner and not a drug pusher. The first thing she mentioned was a different muscle relaxer. That did not inspire much confidence in me. I did get her to reluctantly agree to try a modified acupuncture and physical therapy. She wants to do traction on my neck, which will probably help a lot, but it just seemed like she really wanted me to give up and leave.

I can't possibly be the only pregnant person in the world that has a pre-existing chronic pain condition. Even not pregnant I rarely resort to narcotics, so it's not like I'm a heavy drug user. I just need some kind of treatment to help me handle the pain. It's so damn frustrating that our society has become so lawsuit happy that doctors will not even treat someone in dire need of help because they are so afraid of getting sued.

I'm continuing my self made regimen of ice, heat, stretching, Epsom salt baths, TENS, tiger balm, and high doses of magnesium and calcium. I'm seeing incremental improvement, but not enough to let me get any work done. My shoulder has loosened up enough that I can now tell a good deal of the intense pain is coming from my neck. I'm praying I don't have a blown disk.

The doctor spent several minutes asking why I wasn't excited about being pregnant, especially after I told her how long I've been trying. I told her it was just bad timing. For the rest of the day I've been trying to drum up some enthusiasm. It's hard because I don't feel pregnant at all, I haven't told anybody so I don't talk about it, and I really can't convince myself that pregnant means a baby somewhere down the line. I know this is kind of normal but I feel guilty about it, and worried. If I'm not super excited will the universe decide I don't want this? I do, more than anything. Although, honestly, if I was offered the choice of putting this on hold for another year (with foolproof assurance it would work in a year) I would probably leap at the chance. It's too bad I'm not a Sebacean.

Friday, May 18, 2012

It's what i get for loooking a gift horse in the mouth

I think most people understood that my last post was not me complaining about getting pregnant again after all this time,
I'm just terrified. we barely survived losing Aiden, I don't know if we could do that again. I've used the word "baby" only once so far. at this point it just seems like something that MAY happen, not a done deal. I SUCK at being pregnant, but I'm still very grateful.

Good news first:

The prometrium stopped the spotting and betas have doubled. my appointment with my old friend Mr. wandy is the 31st. If they put me in the same room as last time i will freak out. fair warning.

The bad news:

I'm typing (badly) one handed because my left arm is in a sling. The persistent muscle soreness/tightness in my shoulder has turned into a constant, agonizing spasm. The pain is unbelievable and i can't function at all. it's better today in that i can sit for a short time but nothing much is really helping. Thank goodness i have some good friends. I called someone to come cook yesterday because the husband is laid out with bronchitis (wimp). I can't stand, sit for long, lift anything or even get dressed. I have an appointment (made weeks ago) for a new doctor that is supposed to specialize in holistic methods for treating chronic pain from accidents. hopefully i can survive until Monday and she will be able to get me some relief. If someone told me that this torture was the only way to get a healthy baby, I'd do it with a smile, but i don't have sick leave and my family needs to eat.

At least the spasms aren't as strong today. it no longer feels like there is something the size of a mouse crawling around under my skin. Well, I've worn out my sitting time, back to lying on the floor. I'll try to keep updating, and thank you everyone for the well wishes.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Adoption: the magic cure for infertility

Yep. I am “that woman”. You know the one. You always hear about her from some obnoxious busy body who heard about your adoption plans after fighting with infertility. The friend’s sister’s cousin that got pregnant after she adopted.

But I can’t do it halfway. I get knocked up THE VERY NEXT DAY.

I kid you not. The universe has one fucked up sense of humor. I feel like I should be apologizing.

What makes this doubly ironic is that last Thursday was Aiden’s due date, the second anniversary. That blows my mind. If life were fair I would have a 2 year old running around instead of a pretty wooden urn. But I also wouldn’t have the wonderful, amazing, and loving teenager I can now call my daughter.

I feel shocked. I feel guilty. I’m worried about money, heartache, disappointment, and hurting M. I’m worried this is a very bad time in our rocky marriage to add a helpless infant. What I am not is happy. I wanted this so badly and now that it’s here, I just don’t know quite what to make of it. I don’t want to undo it, but I’m not so sure now this was a good idea. Mostly I think I am sure I won’t get this last bit of happiness. I hope I am not as prophetic as last time. Then I was sure I didn’t deserve happiness – and look what happened.

I went for my first beta today and start prometrium tonight. I am expecting many things – no heartbeat, an ectopic, or a long drawn-out shop of horrors like last time. I can’t wrap my mind around the possibility it might actually work. At the same time I can’t seem to stop trying to MAKE it work.

Unfortunately I am still having the near continuous spotting I’ve been dealing with for almost 4 years. I hope the prometrium works as well as it did last time, as long as I’m not continuing a pregnancy that never should have made it past fertilization.

This is going to be a really long damn 9 months. I reserve the right to smack my mother in law if she says I told you so.