Friday, December 31, 2010

6 am January 1st, 2010

I can't believe it's been a year.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little Wren. I wish you were here.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


I usually like to sum up how I feel or what my entry is about in a short title. This one represents my brain right now when I try to put how I feel into words.

For the last few days the emotion floating to the top most often is anger. Maybe anger is too light a word. Rage. Blinding, seething, burning rage. I remember in the early days there was this tremendous weight, this pressure to do something violent. It sat on my chest, heavy and hot, like heartburn but stronger. I wanted everyone else to hurt like I did. I wanted everyone to FEEL what I was feeling. These last few days that feeling has been creeping back. Not as strong as before, but definitely there.

I've been trying hard to keep so busy that I don't have time to think. It's been working a little too well. Everyone thinks I'm fine and they don't understand why I am being bitchy when I start to get overwhelmed. My husband actually asked me why I was in such a bad mood after I snapped at him the day before Christmas. I burst into tears and screamed at him that I had just lost my last chance for a baby in the year since Aiden died and that I didn't have my goddamn baby. I couldn't believe he couldn't figure that one out. I still can't. Why the hell would I be in a good mood right now?

My mother and sister haven't said anything but seem to be aware that I have good reason to be depressed right now. My idiot father gave me a very cheery "Merry Christmas!" over the phone the other day. I get that people don't associate the holidays with my baby dying. For the most part I don't mind. But my family should remember. I really don't think that's too much to ask.

We're packing up for our trip to the mountains. It will be just us and the manager. No one else wants to brave the cold. I'm grateful, since the idea was to be far away from any celebrating. The only bright spot is that my Aiden must have heard me and sent me some snow. The town we are going to had 6 inches on the ground and more on the way. I'm not sure I really believe anything answered my prayer, but its comforting to think it was him.

One of the things we packed was our son. I wasn't expecting this to hurt so badly. We should be bundling up a seven month old. Hell, if he was alive we wouldn't even be going on this trip. I had to pack my dead son's ashes instead.

Oh, God. I just want to hold him. I want to watch him sleeping and count his precious toes. I want to listen to his little baby grunts and play with his silky, downy baby hair. I want this pain to stop. I want to stop crying. I want to forget that I've been trying for children for seven years and only have one and a jar of ashes to show for it. (I hope everyone knows I am deeply grateful for my daughter - but it still hurts). Most of all, I want to stop hoping. It just hurts too much. I KNOW what I am missing and what it would take to get there. I just can't change the way things work. Sometimes it feels like it is killing me.

What good am I if I can't get through a day without pain pills? What good am I if I can't get my body to do what it was built to do? What good am I if I can't pull it together enough to love my husband? Or play with my daughter? Or grieve?

I have been drinking a lot (for me) the last few days. I can't say it's helping really, but it is easier to get through the nights. I hope this trip will alleviate some of this depression and not make it worse. The anger may be around for awhile. My sweet baby is gone and sprinkling his ashes on the snow is a really poor substitute.

I'm sorry about the stream of consciousness. I just really needed to get some of this out. Keeping so busy has meant neglecting my writing, the only therapy I have right now. It helps to write, even if it does sound like I'm about to jump off a bridge (I'm not).

I hope these days are easier on you, dear readers. May you find peace and comfort in the days ahead.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

well, that's that

I'm pretty sure it is now 11 dpo. My temp dropped to 98.2, my cover line was 98.6. The bleeding is heavier. Looks like I get to spend Christmas drunk after all.

We're doing our traditional solstice celebration tonight, but my heart is not in it. I hope my little girl doesn't notice.

I expected this, but I'm still sad - and so, so angry.

Now I get to go to work and listen to everyone's holiday plans and try not to burst into tears.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Up in the air

I still don't know one way or the other.

I started taking progesterone again, about 3 days earlier than I was supposed to, hoping it would stop the spotting. It seemed to work for a couple of days and then I started spotting again yesterday. I took a test this morning - very negative. But since my temps are really unreliable I'm not sure if this is 8dpo or 10. Either way it may be way too early.

Today was much, much easier than I thought it would be. I spent most of it in a bad mood but that had more to do with thoughtless friends and cranky children that what day it was.

I can't believe it's been a year since we were told our son would die. Some days it feels like ten, some days it feels a couple of months.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Well, that was more like a 6 day wait.

I'm spotting.

I tried so hard not to get hopeful. I had this ritual the last few days. Every time I went to the bathroom I would check for blood. When I didn't see any I would get this stupid grin and the thought, this might be it, would sneak into my head. I would give myself a stern lecture that it isn't very likely and then get on with my day.

I guess the stern talk didn't help. I am crushed. This was my last hope for hope before Aiden's birthday. I guess the fat lady is singing and that prescription for birth control will get filled after all.

I want to get drunk, but I won't, because there is still a very slim chance I'm pregnant. I bled with Aiden and was still pregnant. I was probably bleeding for a reason, but that doesn't keep me from stupidly hoping.

I hate this. I really, really hate this. I keep giving up and changing my mind. I want to leave that back door open for a miracle but it is killing me. I don't know if I can keep doing this.

My little girl just came over.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

"I'm sad today, honey"


"I miss baby Aiden"

"I miss him too. He's not ever coming back. I want baby Aiden, Mommy."

"I know, me too."

She crawled in my lap and cried with me. I wish that made me feel better when she is being so sweet. Instead it just hurts more because I know what I'm missing. There should be more presents under the tree and a seven month old to entertain.

I have a feeling the next 3 weeks will just be hell, even though I'm running to the mountains.

Baby Aiden, if you can hear me, please send us some snow. We could use some joy right now.

Monday, December 13, 2010

I hate 2ww's

Not really anything else to say right now, just making myself crazy waiting for the 18th. I'm really, really hoping I will get news that will make that day not so horrible to get through every year.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Coincidence? Or does the universe think it's funny?

The last time I ovulated - In august, it was the exact same day I ovulated and conceived Aiden. I was terrified of having the same dates in a subsequent pregnancy so I skipped that cycle. I was so mad. How can someone with such fucked up and erratic cycles ovulate on the same day two years in a row?

Then when I didn't ovulate again I was sure that was my very last chance and I blew it. I still don't know if that is true or not. I'm only 2 or 3 DPO so I could start bleeding again any day. So far things are looking okay. Which brings me to the next coincidence. The first day I can test, at 12 dpo, is the same day that we found out our son was dying last year. On the one hand, a positive pregnancy test - one that ends well - will probably do a lot to heal the wound caused on that day. But on the other hand, if it's negative, it's just another reason for that day to suck. And Christmas and New Year's will be that much harder.

God, I wish this was easier. I wish I could wake up, safely in 2011, with a positive test in my hand and this horrible year behind me.

To everyone that is also having a hard time this holiday season - peace and love healing to you.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

It's about freaking time!

Finally - for the first time in 3 months, I have a positive OPK. Apparently my body just wanted a really long ramp up to the event. I think taking home a prescription for birth control might have done the trick :)

Here's really, really hoping.

Monday, December 6, 2010

finally alone

I have been trying for a very long time (months) to get some alone time. I need quiet and time to write. That is in very short supply around here. The holidays are hard, but not as bad as I feared. I find myself cheering up from where I was a couple of weeks ago. My little girl's enthusiasm is contagious. I find it easier to be happy for her than I thought I would.

I wish I knew what my body was doing. We should come with troubleshooting guides or something. I have finally stopped the constant bleeding, but I don't know what is going on with my cycle (can you really call it that if it is never the same twice?).

My last three bouts of heavy bleeding and horrible cramps were all 2 weeks apart. So that's three periods in 6 weeks. The last one was on November 20th, which would make this CD16. I started cramping this past Thursday and got very sore in the uterus regions. This normally means I'm about to have a period or about to ovulate. However, there hasn't been so much as a dot of blood, no fertile CM (I always get lots) and VERY negative OPK's. Now the soreness is concentrated on one side as if I ovulated and now have a cyst. WTF?!

I have no idea what is going on. I've started combining OPKs and OPTs in the hopes that something will pop up and tell me what's happening in there (Are you listening, uterus? I'll even take a prophetic dream). If it weren't for other factors I would just wait and see, but I can't.

I hurt my knee at work a couple of months ago and the doc wants an MRI. I don't want to get one if I'm 2 days pregnant but if I wait until I'm sure I'm not, it could be the end of January. Unless I just stop having sex and test in two weeks. I'm not willing to do that though, because every time I decide to skip a cycle it is months before I get another chance. The knee needs to get treated as soon as possible because I will be traveling frequently come February. There isn't anyone who can take over for me if I'm out for knee surgery.

Why, oh why can't I have one problem at a time?

*Sigh* At least right now it is merely frustrating, I'll take that over last year any damn day.