Wednesday, September 29, 2010

This helps

I've been looking for some public way of bringing our loss out of the shadows. I keep trying to think up catchy bumper sticker phrases to say that my son died, and I'm fucking sad. I found this on sadkitty's blog (Thank you for the link!) and it's perfect. I'm going to make it into a sticker for my car, big enough to be easily seen.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Apologies - I promise I care

I have been trying for 3 weeks now to comment on blogs. I have been reading and trying to respond but every time I try to submit a comment it just blanks out the comment form and does nothing else. It seems to only be an issue with blogger. I've tried 3 different browsers but not a different computer. Has anyone else had this issue? It is really pissing me off that I can't comment. To me that is the whole purpose of blogging.

I will keep trying to find a way to fix this. In the meantime I can try email, it just takes longer if I don't already have your email. As always, feel free to email me.

And that reminds me - I've gotten this question a couple of times now.

If you (god forbid) have a friend that receives a poor prenatal diagnosis and needs an ear, I ABSOLUTELY want you to give them my blog and email address. The main reason I talk so openly about the heart breaking decision we made is that I found zero support for what we were going through. I only found the two support sites (only 2!) and various blogs after the fact. I hoped to prevent that for at least one person out there if I possibly could.

I just wanted to say I'm still around and I still care, I'm keeping up as much as I can and hopefully will be able to comment again soon.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The land of the free and the home of the destitute

I fucking hate this country, and this state especially.

I'm so fucking angry that I had to go back to work 11 days after giving birth to a dead baby.

I'm so angry I had to hide what I was doing from even the hospital so that my baby was spared pain.

I'm so angry that I had to file bankruptcy because of the month of pay I did miss.

I'm so angry that because I filed bankruptcy I can't rent a larger house, which means I can't adopt more than one female child - of which there aren't any, by the way.

I'm so angry that I can't pursue fertility treatment because my insurance won't cover it.

I'm so angry that I can't afford couples counseling and my medical expenses AND the things that we need to be able to adopt.

I don't know where to go from here.

I'm so lost, unhappy, and overwhelmed.

I just want another child. Is that so much to ask?

I'm trying so hard to have patience and faith that things will get better. I have never believed that what will be, will be. I have always fought so hard for what I wanted and right now it is grinding me into dust.

I need a partner and my husband is not being one. I don't know what to do because when we try to talk, we just yell. Couples counseling is so expensive and my last therapist went loony toons (seriously - I'm not talking about a mental breakdown, she is just nuts), so now I have to find another one.

It feels like I am trapped in quicksand. The more I struggle to make things better, the harder it pulls me in and the faster it suffocates me.

I knew this meltdown was coming. I tried to set aside a day for me to decompress and life again intervened. My husband has no idea (and yes, I have told him - repeatedly) how much I need this. He is hurt that I need to be away from him. How do I deal with that? Do I be a selfish bitch and take the time anyway? Do I beg? Do I ignore the impending explosion and hope it won't cause too much damage? There just doesn't seem to be any good answers.

I'm all ears if anyone has advice. How does a lifelong people-pleaser get through to a somewhat selfish and very insecure spouse that she just needs time to herself?

Friday, September 10, 2010

writer's block

I keep thinking of things I want to talk about but it never gets any farther than two or three sentences. Also, by the time I get home and get everyone fed and my daughter in bed, I just don't have the energy to delve into my psyche.

A mini update is manageable, so I'll fill everyone who's still around in on what's been going on lately.

We have 3 MAPP classes left but the one scheduled this following Monday was cancelled so it is actually 4 weeks. I'm getting nervous and anxious. My horrible self esteem is rearing its ugly head. I keep thinking that they will not want me. When I was filling out the paperwork I got really worried. I ended up marking nearly all of the negative boxes under the "what kind of childhood you had" section. I went from thinking that they would be impressed that I made it through all that to thinking that no one would want someone so damaged taking their kids.


I guess I do have something to talk about. I think I will come back to it though. I want to go watch an old movie with my friend and relax. I was going to make her watch Steel Magnolias but I don't think I can handle that one tonight. Ditto with Beaches. I think I will go with the psycho thriller I told her about, Malice. My friend is much younger and hasn't seen any of the movies I spent my teens and twenties watching so I have to catch her up.

How is everyone? Anyone else really struggling with self doubt?