God - I'm exhausted. The morning started with the appointment with the genetic counselor based in the office of the doctor we hate. She was taking our blood for the karyotypes on us in case we want to try again. I brought my records with me, which I only had because I asked MY OB's nurse (who is fantastic) to get them for me, since the asshole doctors office hadn't bothered. There were several discrepancies I wanted clarified. The doctor ourtight lied in the report - he said he spent an "extensive amount of time answering the parents questions." BULLSHIT! He dogded every single one. The thing that enraged me was that I specifically asked about the heart and brain defects and there were two very serious ones that he did not even mention, that I had to look up from my records. I then found out this morning that the lab reran my son's tests (I don't know why - I was too shocked to ask) and found that the piece missing was not as big as they thought. This killed me, there are living children out there that have this same deletion. Granted, they don't have all the defects that Aiden had and are all pretty much vegtables - but I just can't believe that I'm just being told this now. I was so enraged that I all but ran to the car and screamed as loud as a could into my jacket. I think I damaged my vocal chords.
After this lovely morning we picked up his ashes at the funeral home and my poor husband just about lost it trying to open the stupid, ugly plastic box they came in. We had some healing because we took some ashes to our favorite beach and had a little ceremony for Aiden. That part was very peaceful and helped clear some of the unbelievable rage. It started raining as we left and I thought that was perfect, the rain would wash his ashes out to sea and he would be part of the ocean I love.
The rest of the day was bad. I had the worst nightmare that something was wrong with my daughter and I couldn't get to her. I couldn't make myself wake up at first and when I did I swore I heard her crying for me, even though she was safe at daycare. It gave me the most bone deep terror until I woke up completely and is still bothering me.
I am wrung out. I wish I could take tomorrow off too.