Saturday, January 16, 2010

Death of a thousand cuts

Living right now is like walking through a minefield. The most innocent occurrence or random thought causes that stabbing chest pain or gasp of breath and the thought, oh yeah, my baby is dead.

I was at my neighbor's house for some play time for Kira (3 year old daughter) and I told her the baby (the neighbors 3 month old son, I am a glutton for punishment) was sick. She said, "Is he going to die?" In her little world babies get sick and then they die. How sad is that?

I roll over onto my stomach and realize I can't feel my uterus anymore, it has shrunk down to normal.

I remember that my brother's birthday is in 2 weeks and then remember that I have 3 birthdays, including mine and Kira's, to get through before I even pass Aiden's due date.

All the many things I worried about while pregnant just don't matter, and actually, they never did. I could have taken that migraine medicine the whole time, it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference.

Holding my neighbor's son made my breasts ache - they are still trying to make milk.

I wonder when I will get through five minutes without a reminder. Thank god with the sleeping pills I can't remember my dreams. I know I'm dreaming of him and our loss but I don't remember the details. That's one small mercy.

1 comment:

  1. I can't tell you when, unfortunately. I can tell you it will happen though.

    I felt the same way. The time I wasted worrying over a stupid registry, the time I spent worrying about if I would love a boy as much as the girl I had hoped for (a millions times over yes is the answer). I regretted that I never finished reading the story to him, that I was scared to love him fully.

    But it fades. It may sting, but it fades into the background eventually. Just as the anger fades, and the rage fades, and eventually the sadness fades and what you are left with is pure love, shining out of you.

    It may happen overnight. It may take years. But I promise someday, the everyday living won't feel like a thousand knives.