Monday, October 24, 2011

Oh for pete's sake!

My ovaries got wind of my happiness and decided to remind me that they suck. Last month I missed the first 3 days of my continuous birth control because I didn't bring a refill on my trip. I decided to just skip the whole month instead of starting them late because the period I had was extremely mild for me and I didn't want to change it by screwing around with the timing. Fast forward 4 weeks and I FINALLY ovulated. A few days later I was sure I had a giant cyst on my left ovary. No big deal - I've had dozens. It was painful but not too bad and easy to ignore. That was until my 7 pound "kitten" jumped RIGHT ON IT this morning.

The cat is lucky to be alive. I spent several hours contemplating some nice warm tabby slippers. The pain was pretty excruciating. I still had to get my daughter to daycare because my husband didn't seem to think a burst cyst was worth him going to work late. After hobbling around doing that I came home and took a narcotic pain reliever I had from my last major back problem. The relief was almost immediate and I decided to let the cat live. I sat down with the heating pad and called my mom. By the time I got done telling her about my crappy morning my right shoulder was in agony and it was radiating down my arm. I started to feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. I consulted doctor google since I was too buzzed on pain killers to drive myself to the hospital and didn't really want to spend $100 because my stupid cat jumped on the wrong spot. At this point my husband was out of cell phone range so he couldn't come take me. All the kids were out of school so the only friends I could have called wouldn't have been able to help. I was seriously considering calling an ambulance. According to doctor google the arm pain can be directly caused by a cyst rupturing, although it appears to be rare. It can also be caused (I think) by blood leaking into the abdominal cavity. So I was thinking that a) no big deal, ruptured cyst and I would feel better soon, b) bleeding ruptured cyst requiring at least a hospital stay - possibly surgery, or c)ectopic pregnancy.

I nearly laughed at how unlikely scenario c was, but I was pretty worried about b. I called my OB/GYN, who I love, and got her wonderful nurse, who I also love. She said to come by when the doc was out of surgery and they would work me in. She seemed concerned but not alarmed so I talked myself out of the ambulance. I'm glad now because by the time I got there I was feeling 90% better. Most of the pain and pressure was gone and my arm didn't hurt anymore. The doc saw a little fluid around my ovary and agreed with my assessment of what happened. She wants to recheck in 2 weeks to make sure I'm not still leaking anything but I'm sure it will be fine now. If I had a little advanced warning I'd actually prefer a rupture to the long drawn out weeks of slow torture I usually get with these damn things.

So - my lesson for today is to not skip the birth control unless I magically gain 10K for fertility treatments. I am so freaking glad M wasn't here this morning. I bet the drama would have freaked her out very badly. I'm sure she is thinking that something will go wrong and she won't get to be adopted; this would have given her something to worry about, which she really doesn't need right now.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

whirlwind

Sorry about the long hiatus. We have been visiting with our new daughter (insert girly squeal) for the last 3 weekends, with this past one being our first overnight. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. My husband was being a complete goofball and it's been a while since he's let go like that. K was surprisingly well behaved even with all the extra excitement. M is fun to hang out with and fits with our family surprisingly well so far.

Last weekend we went for a hike and then had a quiet day at home. This weekend we went shopping ALL DAY on Saturday and then spent Sunday with some friends at our house. I normally really hate shopping but with a teenager in tow it was actually kind of fun. I was exhausted at the end of the day but very, very happy.

I was worried when we started with this match that my grief over not being able to have a baby would prevent me from being completely happy with this situation but that couldn't be further from the truth. I know things could change but meeting this girl has been so healing for me. I have so many plans for things I want to do with her, show her, learn from her. I think our lives are changing for the better. I can't wait to see what else it brings.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Timely poem

I can't remember where I ran across this today but it is so appropriate to my life and my future daughter's. We are moving along with visits. M is a beautiful, sweet, funny girl and Sean and I already see her as ours. We have two more weekends of visits and then an overnight. We are super busy so I'll update when I can. I'll have to be vague to protect M but I'll let you ladies know how we are doing. In the meantime enjoy this powerful poem.

Learn With Every Goodbye
– Veronica A Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
and learn…
With every goodbye, you learn.