God - yesterday was horrid. I think I am not doing well. I called the free counseling service through my work and they set up a referral. I only get 3 free sessions but my insurance should pick up the rest with a copay. Unfortunately they are not open today so lets hope I can hold out till Monday or whenever I get an appointment.
I was a fragile mess yesterday and for some reason, instead of picking up on this, my husband was an obnoxious jerk and made everything worse. So I spent the time after work just trying to hold it together until we got Kira in bed. I think she must of picked up on how I was doing because she had the mother of all meltdowns over absolutely nothing (I closed her bedroom door while she was in timeout because she was trying to play). I thought I did remarkably well with it, I didn't scream or anything. Anyway - it took over an hour to get her to bed and while I was rocking her, trying to get her to settle down, she started talking about Aiden.
I can't decide if that was good for me or the worst timing. She kept saying she didn't want mommy and daddy to be sad, she wanted the baby, she wanted to know why her friend got to have a baby brother and she didn't (god, that hurt), she asked over and over when Aiden would stop being dead. I know to be honest with her, so I told her the baby was dead and not coming back and that we would all be sad for awhile. But she kept saying she didn't want us to be sad anymore. Poor baby. I wish I could be a good mom right now, I just don't have the strength.
I ended up avoiding my husband until he fell asleep and taking 2 zanax (one when I got home and one before bed) and my sleeping pill. I have no idea it that's a safe dose or if I can mix those two. They were prescribed by two different doctors but last night I didn't give a damn. I apparently called one of my friends at 11pm (really late for me). I don't remember this but she had the missed call on her phone. I checked mine and then got a vague recollection of trying to call someone last night. I fell asleep on the couch and ended up in bed at some point - I never do that. I've been having a lot of memory loss lately. I'm sure it's some type of normal coping mechanism but it really freaks me out. I have to keep asking people if I did something or told them something. I just hope it doesn't extend to forgetting I took something and end up taking too much.
Anyway - I made it through work today and apparently I am driving okay so I guess I am functioning on some level. I am getting help - I just really, really wish I didn't need it.