Friday, January 22, 2010

Memory loss and the grief of children

God - yesterday was horrid. I think I am not doing well. I called the free counseling service through my work and they set up a referral. I only get 3 free sessions but my insurance should pick up the rest with a copay. Unfortunately they are not open today so lets hope I can hold out till Monday or whenever I get an appointment.

I was a fragile mess yesterday and for some reason, instead of picking up on this, my husband was an obnoxious jerk and made everything worse. So I spent the time after work just trying to hold it together until we got Kira in bed. I think she must of picked up on how I was doing because she had the mother of all meltdowns over absolutely nothing (I closed her bedroom door while she was in timeout because she was trying to play). I thought I did remarkably well with it, I didn't scream or anything. Anyway - it took over an hour to get her to bed and while I was rocking her, trying to get her to settle down, she started talking about Aiden.

I can't decide if that was good for me or the worst timing. She kept saying she didn't want mommy and daddy to be sad, she wanted the baby, she wanted to know why her friend got to have a baby brother and she didn't (god, that hurt), she asked over and over when Aiden would stop being dead. I know to be honest with her, so I told her the baby was dead and not coming back and that we would all be sad for awhile. But she kept saying she didn't want us to be sad anymore. Poor baby. I wish I could be a good mom right now, I just don't have the strength.

I ended up avoiding my husband until he fell asleep and taking 2 zanax (one when I got home and one before bed) and my sleeping pill. I have no idea it that's a safe dose or if I can mix those two. They were prescribed by two different doctors but last night I didn't give a damn. I apparently called one of my friends at 11pm (really late for me). I don't remember this but she had the missed call on her phone. I checked mine and then got a vague recollection of trying to call someone last night. I fell asleep on the couch and ended up in bed at some point - I never do that. I've been having a lot of memory loss lately. I'm sure it's some type of normal coping mechanism but it really freaks me out. I have to keep asking people if I did something or told them something. I just hope it doesn't extend to forgetting I took something and end up taking too much.

Anyway - I made it through work today and apparently I am driving okay so I guess I am functioning on some level. I am getting help - I just really, really wish I didn't need it.

4 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're getting help too. Sometimes it's nice to dump that loop on someone else other than your husband, because you can both tire of hearing the same thing over and over -- even though it desperately needs said over and over.

    The parenting thing is tough, tough, tough. All I can recommend is brutal honesty, answering when she asks, and reminding her that it's ok when people get sad. It's an emotion. Remind her it's not up to her to make you feel better, you'll feel better eventually. And remind yourself that kids are remarkably resilient. I went through about a year in a coma, and my kid is a-ok in my book.

    Hugs all around.

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  2. It really helps to know that your kid made it through what happened to you. If I had stopped to think about it I would know she would be okay. I also didn't think of telling her it's not up to her to make me feel better. She seems to have taken on some of my tendencies to try to make everyone happy - which in many cases is not a great trait to have if you want to stay sane. I just keep hoping that telling her I love her 100 times a day will make up for me being useless as a parent right now. It's unbelievable how many ways this babylost thing sucks.

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  3. Yes, the parenting thing is tough. Absolutely, yes. At first my son got really clingy, started having potty accidents (unusual for him - he trained early and easily), and talked about the baby a lot. And it all made me feel horrible, guilty, sad, ugh. But now, at six months out, we're both doing better. He still brings the baby up sometimes, though, often when I'm not expecting it (like last night - but then I realized he was triggered by running into one of my friends with an infant earlier in the day). But I think he, like Tash's daughter, is going to make it through fine, and I think your daughter will too.

    I struggled with forgetting stuff too at first, especially at work. It's so hard to juggle it all - parenting, work, and grief. I'm glad you're getting help too, and I hope you can get that first appointment soon. And try to be gentle on yourself - your loss is still so fresh and raw.

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  4. You are a good mom, even if you're not in the best place right now. you love your daughter and are doing the best you possibly can to keep going for her - what more could any mom do?

    i hope your memory sorts itself out soon. take care xx

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