Friday, August 31, 2012

trying to hold it together

I'm writing this on my new toy, a tablet put out by a book store that does not start with the letter a. I'ts kind of a pain typing on a virtual keyboard, so this will be short. I am four days away from the gestational age we were at when we were told our precious litle boy wouldn't make it. I am not as much of a wreck as i thought i would be, but this is not easy. Everytime someone asks when we will find out what we are having i want to shake them and yell that the sex is not important, the ability to breathe and eat is. Even the people who know damn well what we went through just dont get it. The good thing is that i can feel this little one and it is much more active than Aiden ever was. I will take that as a good sign. Four more days and i will bedoing better, or much worse. I hope it goes by fast.

I am getting really annoyed with this keyboard now. I never realized how often i used apostrophes and arrow keys before. Definitely sticking to the laptop for blogging.

Anyway, will update after the big scary scan on tuesday, wish us luck.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Rocky road


Things with M are not going very well. There have been big arguments and lots of misplaced anger every time she sees or talks to her birth mom. She blames us for not getting to see her as much as she wants, even though I've bent over backwards trying to set stuff up and keep getting blown off by birth mom. My husband, in his infinite wisdom, told M that her mom was blowing her off. I could have killed him. Anybody with a brain and some empathy would have known she would never accept that explanation and just gotten angrier. Guess what happened?

A huge part of me wants to just cut off the visits or limit them to the phone but the more grown up part realizes that is just a cop out. Just because this isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. I'm hoping she will come to realize her birth family is unreliable but even if she doesn't, I don't think keeping contact is going to harm her. If I start to see that it is, I will of course change my plan. I read an article by an adult that aged out of foster care not too long ago. This person was arguing that sometimes it isn't appropriate to remove children from a home when poverty and non-life threatening neglect are the main issues. I tend to agree with that in this case. I think if M had been left with her mother she would have been okay. Maybe not a great success in life but less emotionally scarred than she is now. I really do think 9 years in foster care and two disrupted adoptions did more damage than a careless mother and living in poverty would have. But what is done cannot be undone and all I can do now is hope that M will take the chances she is being given for a better future.

Now if only I could get my husband on the same page. Where I see a hurt and un-trusting child, he sees a self-centered almost adult. He forgets all the time that her emotional maturity is probably closer to 9 than 15. He expects her to act as if she cares what we think and what effect her actions or words have on others. I think she is still in survival mode. Everything is about what makes her feel safer or more accepted. If that means other people are suffering, I doubt she even has the ability to recognize that. Even if she does, she probably doesn't care. She can be a very sweet kid but she has had zero control over her life. She sees every rule and every correction as another way to make her into something she is not. So she is oppositional and defiant, even if it is something as simple as not wearing her shoes in the house. The battles of will are nearly constant now. I can sometimes avoid the battles or diffuse them, but with my husband they just escalate to the point where M completely loses control. She injured her wrist on purpose hitting a wall the other day, and is talking more and more frequently of hurting herself.

I can't tell how much of her anger is us trying to reduce her medications, or adjusting to a new family, or starting high school, or getting to know her mother again. There are just too many confounding factors. I just wish we could get through one day without the verbal sparring, tantrums (and not just the kids), and other problems. I wish there was some way to get through my husband's head and make him actually LISTEN instead of reacting. Even he says she needs to see a counselor at least once a week (right now it's only twice a month). Has he done anything to make that happen? Nope. I am doing all I can to get through each day, keep everyone fed, and keep the appointments that are necessary. I can't take care of everyone else all by myself. He has got to realize that if he wants things to get better he has to do something other than complain. I have no clue how to get that through his stubborn little head.

If anyone has parenting book suggestions, particularly ones my husband might actually read, PLEASE leave a comment. We need some serious help over here.

Monday, August 20, 2012

You guys are the best

I just knew asking here would be my best bet. Thank you! I took everyone's advice and ordered the sonoline-b. I forget who I ordered it from but they had free shipping and it still got here before I could really work up my anxiety, I think it was about 3 or 4 days. I had a little trouble the first time but my husband found it right away when he tried. I pretty much check every day, it's been a lifesaver in regards to my anxiety.

I'm sorry I haven't updated. Things are pretty tough with M right now. I think we are moving out of the honeymoon phase and into the testing phase. I have a long post about it but I just haven't had time when it's safe to write. I can't wait until I have the money to buy my new tablet. Then I won't have to share a computer with 2 other people and worry about privacy.

I'm sick, again. Baby seems to be doing fine but this definitely ranks as my worst pregnancy. I got an upper respiratory infection that contributed to heat exhaustion, leading to my throwing up at work and having to beg a co-worker to take me to the ER so I didn't have to call an ambulance. I had a great Friday. After dropping $100 at the ER (cheap, I know, but still painful) the stupid doc didn't even treat the infection and it got worse and worse over the weekend. Now I am on an inhaler and z-pack and will miss even more work, meaning no pay. I haven't saved a single penny towards my unpaid maternity leave because I haven't gotten one full paycheck since I got pregnant. This is not helping with my anxiety. How can we be the only first world country that doesn't have paid maternity leave? It boggles my mind. And people wonder how American women can die of preventable pregnancy complications.

Anyway, we're all okay for now. I can already breathe better so I think I avoided the pneumonia everyone was trying to scare me with. I apologize for my lack of commenting lately. I am still reading and keeping many of you in my thoughts.

P.S. THANK GOD SCHOOL STARTED TODAY!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Fetal doppler?

I am admitting defeat. After hearing the heartbeat I can only keep my anxiety in check for about 5 days. My next appointment is in 3 weeks. This is not good for my peace of mind. Does anybody know an affordable (by affordable I mean under $100) fetal monitor that works reliably? I'm 15 weeks now so I should be able to hear it. I can actually feel the baby but sometimes days go by without definitive thumps. I need some help here!