Friday, June 25, 2010

drunken blogging

I couldn't sleep so I drank some wine. Enjoy. Please don't harp on any grammatical errors you may find.

Dear hypothetical egg,

Would you please try to speed up your arrival? Your delay is making me crazy and the just-about-to-explode feeling in the ovaries is less than pleasant. Once you do leave the comfort of your follicle, please make your way to the open tube you will find on the left. Do not go right. Inside the tube you will find some nice little guys; please be sure to make a close acquaintance with at least one of them. Please be sure to find one that has his full compliment of chromosomes. Should you find yourself missing any chromosomes, please proceed quickly to the nearest exit. After your journey in the tube you should find yourself in a warm, red place. I have tried hard to make this a welcoming place for you, feel free to look around and find a nice spot. When you have found your spot make sure you wriggle in deeply and hang on tight; unless, of course, you find yourself in the cervix or some other less than ideal place. If you make it to this point and start developing, please do me the favor of doing it at a very normal pace. No slow growth or abnormal development, I beg of you. If you feel the accommodations are not adequate or you are not up to the task of becoming a human being, please make your exit as quickly and painlessly as possible. I’m sorry that you will be entering a sea of stress hormones and what is left of my wine. I’m doing the best I can. I hope you will join us out here; it can be pretty nice at times. You have a wonderful big sister waiting for you to join us, and a mom and dad who will love you to the ends of the earth. I know this is a lot to rest on one little egg, I hope you are up to the challenge.


I find myself struggling with this all the time. I am ungrateful. My co-worker just adopted a baby through foster care. It is very rare to get a healthy baby this way and this one is only 2.5 months old. He started the adoption process AFTER I got pregnant; which means he spent less time getting a child than we did and he gets to bring his home. We struggled with the decision to adopt or try for another pregnancy. The only reason I chose pregnancy is because it was the cheaper and easier (Ha!) option. I keep thinking today that if we had gone down the adoption road, we would have another child by now. Even though there is never any guarantee, I keep thinking that we could have been the ones taking that baby home this week. I am ungrateful because I was able to get pregnant when so many would give everything just to get that far. I am ungrateful that we beat incredible odds in having our first baby survive and be healthy. I am ungrateful that I have a beautiful daughter and a devoted husband.

I have been unable to grieve the loss of my son without feeling guilty for not appreciating what I have. It is very frustrating because it makes my feelings about my son very confusing and conflicted. I just want to miss him without all the other crap floating around.

Blah! I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

Incidentally - the craziness earlier this week has settled down. My car did not act up for the mechanic so we will have to keep driving it and hope it doesn't break down. At least it wasn't a huge repair we couldn't afford. My husband didn't get in any trouble at work about his accident. I did have a sheriff's deputy attempt to serve a summons to me from a collector, but we are filing bankruptcy this week so they can't touch us. I'm so glad this week is over.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Dear Universe,

Would it be too much to ask to remove the "kick me" signs you have on our backs? I mean, really? How many things do we have to deal with? Could we maybe have one month of peace before getting another thing thrown at us?

2002: get poisoned by crazy boss and lose my job
2007: forced to drop out of grad school after 3 years and 30K because my thesis project isn't working and we run out of money.
2008: Laid off from my new job after 6 months and a move to another town. We can't find work and are forced to move in with my mother-in-law, losing most of our possessions and leaving the house we spent 3 years remodeling behind.

The last 6 months:

Dead baby (that's the big one)
loss of 2 months income and the rental income from our house we can't sell
broken water heater
broken washing machine
strep throat followed by back injury

And then this week: our 97 Honda, that is still not paid for because it was bought right before I was laid off in 2008, broke down on the way to work. It was only 6am because it was my 14 hour day that we do once a month. My co-worker had to come get me and I left my car at the mall. It is likely the transmission, which we don't have the money to fix. So we will have to include the car in the bankruptcy and somehow manage, with one car, to get Kira to daycare and both of us to work when our schedules are not consistent and we work in two different towns. God how I wish we had public transportation.

And then tonight I got a call from my husband not to come pick him up yet because he was in an accident in his work truck. No one was hurt, so of course it could be worse, but he could very well lose his job. He hit two vehicles trying to avoid someone in front of him who had slammed on their brakes and did a good bit of damage to one of them. He is angry and really, really scared that he will be fired. I am trying so hard to stay calm and not worry about what we can't change. It won't be the end of the world if he loses his job. It will be very, very hard. And I am so fucking sick of things being hard. I need a break. Just one small one.

Okay, universe? Please?

I had a horrible nightmare last night that child protective services came and took my daughter away from me. So I do have some perspective to realize I'm really lucky. I hate to keep whining, it seems like that is all I do lately. But I am really damn tired. Really.

My poor husband - he was in such a bad mood he didn't even want to get on the computer. At least I got to vent.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I will not be posting much for awhile. Some idiots at my work got caught downloading po..rn, which resulted in a serious crackdown on internet use. I can bring my laptop and compose posts but I can't keep up with the blogs I follow. That sucks. This blog has been a great outlet for me but reading about everyone else's experiences has been a true life saver. I hope I can find a way to get more blogging time. In the meantime I will try to check in on everyone at least once a week.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My fabulous bra

Okay, I finally got the computer for five minutes.

First off - I have absolutely, ridiculously HUGE boobs. I hate them. I can never find anything that fits that isn't a tent. They are heavy, and hot, and really unattractive (to me). Most people don't realize exactly how large I am because I dress to reduce the impact as much as I can. I have frequently been treated like I am a slut, particularly in high school. It makes perfect sense, right? If you are sixteen and already a double D then you must be a slut. Everyone knows that the size of your boobs is directly related to your sexual activity. Maybe sperm makes breast tissue? If so, those plastic surgeons have it all wrong. Anyway - high school gave me a pretty big complex about my breasts and I am determined to get them lopped off. I have just been waiting to be done with breast feeding. I had thought that would be within a year, but so much for that plan. How is it that everything comes back to the dead baby?

Until I am really in a place where I can get a reduction, I need something to contain these monsters. I found out when I was pregnant with Kira, and outgrew every size that could be found in a department store, that most women wear the wrong size bra. When I finally got professionally fitted for a bra I was a whopping 34J (US). There were a grand total of two companies that made bras that size. I hated them both. I have been making do with ill fitting and uncomfortable bras for the last 5 years. I recently tried some new bras from the company I LOVE and found my new love.

If you have trouble finding bras I cannot recommend this company enough. They have professional fitters you can call and they always have free shipping. If your bra doesn't fit you can send it back within 6 months and get another one. It costs a couple of dollars to send them back. I went through 6 bras before I found two that fit amazingly well - One was by Elomi and the other was by Freya. Both of these are made by European countries and have UK sizes. I have grown even bigger since I last bought bras. The one that truly fits - the first one in 5 years, is the Elomi. It is a 34HH, a 34L in US sizes. That is freakishly huge.

I am so, so happy that I finally found something that fits. this is the first time my breasts have been lifted off my lower ribs and separated from each other. I have had a giant uni-boob for so long that I forgot what they should look like. I look hot! Slutty, but hot. My seatbelt nestles BETWEEN my breasts instead of sliding all the way over and choking me. Amazing. The only problem I have had is that I am not used to underwires anymore so it is taking some getting used to. The freya bra is still a little small but so comfortable, I don't care. Because it is a sports bra I can also use it as a bathing suit top without raising any eyebrows. I haven't had a swimsuit since I first got pregnant 5 years ago! Not that I have a bikini body, but man! I don't have to wear a shirt for a bathing suit anymore. Yippee!

I wanted to share this because if anyone that reads is above a double D, you really need to check out this company. It may seem silly to get so excited about a bra, but if you haven't been wearing a bra that truly fits and then get one, the difference is astounding. I think it has even helped my back pain.

I feel kind of dorky getting so excited about a bra but I think these days I will take joy from wherever I can. Hopefully this will help someone else with stocky German peasant heritage!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

hilarity ensues

Today was the second day my co-workers and I spent in the Gulf looking for a giant oil slick. You would think that we could find a patch of oil miles long, but the funny thing about the Gulf is that it is constantly moving. The damn oil patches keep moving around and we can't freaking find them! Anyway - to my story:

Imagine if you will a beautiful sunny day on a peaceful, calm ocean. You see a helicopter circling a boat and notice the helicopter is signaling for the boat to go to a particular spot. The boat follows and soon you notice every boat in the area (5 total) are headed to the same spot at top speed. Our boat gets there first to see what the helicopter is pointing at. It was a very dramatic moment as we all prepared ourselves to rescue . . .

Wait for it . . .

A plastic, inflatable alligator.

I swear, as we were headed over to it, the legs on the alligator looked like two people frantically waving for help. We were about 2 miles offshore of the pass that could easily sweep someone on a float out to sea. I have to say it was quite cool to get my hat blown off by a helicopter hovering yards over my head.

The helicopter was actually scouting for us because we couldn't find the damn oil to take samples. I guess they thought there were people out there, too. What a day. At least we got a laugh out of it. Thank god there wasn't anyone out there.

Bra post coming soon, I promise. I haven't been able to wrest the computer away from my husband.

Monday, June 14, 2010

simply missing

I’m doing okay today. I had a good time with my daughter over the weekend. That goes a long way towards healing the hurt of not being pregnant yet.

There were many things that made me cry the last few days. I have a good friend that has an 8 month old boy. I first met him a couple of days after I found out that Aiden was dying. My friend asked me if I wanted to hold him the first time she brought him over (our daughters were friends at daycare) and I couldn’t think of what to say so I said yes. It wasn’t so bad and I’ve been fine holding him since. However, there are several things she does with him that I don’t agree with. She thinks it is spoiling him to rock him to sleep, but he won’t sleep unless he is being held or has a bottle. There are good reasons why everyone says not to prop a bottle up and let a baby sleep with one. She doesn’t agree that it’s a problem and I can’t tell her how to mother her child. I try not to undermine what she does so I have never rocked him to sleep, even though I really want to. Yesterday I was holding him and he accidently hurt himself when I wasn’t paying attention. He screamed bloody murder and I rocked him to try to get him to calm down. He started to fall asleep so I just kept rocking. It made my chest hurt, I miss that so badly. I want to rock MY baby. She came back over and teased me about spoiling him, but she wasn’t upset. It’s so hard to watch someone do something you think is dangerous when you don’t have your own baby to protect.

Later that day I was just feeling down. We had gone to the river and that was very nice but on the way home I couldn’t stop the endless loop of missing Aiden. My husband and I shared a shower and I was already on the verge of tears but when I smelled his soap I just lost it. It was the same soap I used for my daughter when she was a baby. The smell brought back a very vivid memory of washing her when she was so tiny she couldn’t even hold up her head. I was thinking I should have a one month old; I should be using that for him. I wish I hadn’t told Sean to buy that soap. It never occurred to me that the smell would do that.

So, just random missing-baby things today. I’m tired of wallowing in grief. Tomorrow I will post about my fabulous new bra – trust me, it’s a big deal.

Friday, June 11, 2010

I’m done with this week.

Monday: Spend the day on the phone with a new daycare I’m trying to get Kira into. The director had to apply for a variance to accept kids from the waiting list. I have to give a week’s notice at the other daycare so I was hoping it would go through today. It didn’t happen by 5pm. And I’m not pregnant.

Tuesday: I go to PT after having the worst pain in a month for no particular reason, only to find out that I have maxed out my approved visits and have to get another referral to continue. I walk into work 30 minutes late, and already in pain, to be told that everyone else has been pulled off what they are doing to deal with the oil spill and I have to spend the entire day with the co-worker I HATE doing a routine sampling run. She gets us lost repeatedly and by the end of the day I want to puncture my eardrums so I don’t have to listen to her bigoted bitching anymore. I’m so damn tired that I skip my SHARE meeting, which I really needed today. I get to Kira’s daycare and find out that she made a racial comment to my husband that morning. She repeats it to me and says she heard another kid say it. I call the other daycare and BEG them to take her the next day, because she WILL NOT be going back there, ever. They said they could, thank god. Still not pregnant.

Wednesday: I get Kira settled into her new daycare. It’s nerve-wracking for me, she seems to enjoy it. Get to work late again; spend the day not doing anything except getting worried about my MRI that evening. I’m 14 dpo and still negative, although no sign of a period. Freak out all day that maybe I’m pregnant and should cancel, convince myself I’m not pregnant and go ahead. Get through the MRI and the rest of the night okay, although I can’t sleep.

Thursday: My temps dropped but are still above the cover line. I’m 15 dpo and there’s no sign of anything. The tests are still negative. Freak out that I am pregnant and call OB. She says to wait a week. Apparently she doesn’t realize I’ll be in the loony bin by then. Then I get my MRI results – no significant findings. There is some minor disc bulging but nothing to explain the extreme pain I’ve been in for two months. So I may have scrambled an embryo for absolutely fucking nothing. Fantastic.

The only thing keeping me together today is that I know my daughter is safe now, and much happier. I wish I could have moved her months ago. Although now I get to tell the new daycare about our loss so they know not to tell her she’s not a big sister.

My soundtrack today:

Death already came and got me
“I can’t, I can’t stop crying”

Wreck of the day
“Driving away from the wreck of the day. . . desperately close to a coffin of oak, I’d cheat destiny just to be near you . . . if this is giving up, then I’m giving up”

Full of grace
“I feel just like I’m sinking, and I claw for solid ground. I’m pulled down by the undertow. I never thought I could feel so low, oh in darkness I feel like letting go.”

I need wine. And chocolate.

I wrote this yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to post it. Today my period finally started, with the usual horrible cramps. More and more oil is headed our way, it's just so depressing.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

really short update - in pictures

What the beach should look like

What it looks like now

The result

There are no curse words bad enough.

On the even brighter side - 14 dpo, negative tests, no period. I had my MRI today, results should be soon.

Friday, June 4, 2010

If I am not pregnant . . .

. . . what the hell is my body trying to do to me?



- migraines (first time in two months, have them constantly when pregnant)

- weird twitches in the uterus that I SWEAR feel like kicks. I know they aren't but they are really messing with my head. They put me right back to the last days with Aiden, knowing he wasn't really kicking.

- Nausea and a distaste for coffee - the coffee I've been drinking religiously for 3 years now. (I know caffeine is a no-no, my MFM said it's fine at 1 cup a day)

- Fatigue. I went to bed a 9:30 last night and I'm still tired

- Wild mood swings and LOTS of weepiness

- Huge, massive, painful zits all over the place

- Stabbing pain in boobs

All of this except the uterus twitching and the coffee aversion I can attribute to stress, the time of the month, changing anti-depressants, whatever. But those two symptoms are odd, especially the coffee. They have left the back door open for that sneaky bitch, hope, to slither in.

I'm trying SO DAMN HARD to not get my hopes up. Especially as I now know that pregnant does NOT equal baby. I don't think it's working. And useless peeing* on sticks is only making me more crazy.


*Incidentally - did you know that fresh urine will attract carpenter ants? No? Well neither did I. It wasn't mine, by the way. My daughter has a small potty in her room and this morning it had ant soup in it. Gross.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Lots more crazy over here.

I switched ADs this week (STUPID, STUPID, STUPID) and I'm really feeling it. I had two fights about really stupid shit tonight with Sean and couldn't tolerate Kira for even 10 minutes. How shitty is that? I want a baby so bad and I can't even appreciate what I have. I know I am in a shit storm of grief, depression, and anxiety right now, but still.

I've been trying to comment today and google keeps eating them. Is that just me? I give up. If you haven't heard from me, I'm sorry. I'll try again tomorrow. I can't think of much to say anyway - I don't think anyone wants to hear from Eeyore today anyway.

Sorry - I just can't get out of this well today. I think I will just sleep down here and see what tomorrow brings.

OH - and I had my O day wrong. I am testing way too early. But that means I didn't time sex well. Dammit.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Something to keep me occupied during the tww

This is probably really unhealthy but I am playing a game called, "What is your worst fear?"

At first I said my worst fear was this happening again. A very sick baby and a terrible choice to make. Then I thought it would be worse if there was something wrong but it might not be fatal - to me that is a much worse decision.

But I realized today what my worst fear is - multiples.

I can think of 6 twin pregnancies I know about right off the top of my head. None of them ended well. Not one. In the best one the two boys survived their NICU stay and one twin is developmentally behind. Not tragic, I know, but still. In all of the others one or both twins died.

Twins run in my husband's family. I took clomid. I don't want to know the odds but I am terrified of dropping more than one egg or having one split, or - god forbid - both. I would probably carry a twin pregnancy, although I would be utterly terrified. But there is no way I could do triplets or more. I know my health is not up to that. But the thought of getting a reduction is so awful I can barely comprehend it. I hope this doesn't add to anyone's guilt or anxiety, but I can't fathom having to choose to end the life of a healthy embryo to save another. I can't imagine living with the guilt. I know that worrying about this is useless, I just can't seem to help it. I think about alternatives. What if I did carry 3 or 4? If something horrible happened, especially if I lost them all, I would never forgive myself. If I had a reduction, I would never forgive myself.

Apparently my way of coping with stress is to come up with even more horrible (and probably unrealistic) things to worry about. I'm going to blame it on my friend who used to always say, "It could be worse, it can always be worse."

What about you? What are you afraid of?

*PS - I do realize that clomid usually doesn't result in high-order multiples, I am just ridiculously paranoid.