Sunday, October 31, 2010

This is NOT fair.

I am bleeding AGAIN. This is the third heavy and PAINFUL period in the last 6 weeks. They are coming exactly two weeks apart, without ovulation. What the hell is my body trying to do to me?

I'm beginning to suspect that I do have fibroids or polyps. I have never had anything like this happen before. It is starting to freak me out and I'm more than a little pissed. This is making Halloween pretty difficult but I'm very grateful it was this weekend and not next (hopefully). I'd be really angry if I couldn't walk for Aiden next week because of my idiot body.

I'm going to share a picture of my daughter in her costume soon. She was so incredibly cute. If you can't look, I understand. She is such a big part of my life that I can't leave her out of these pages, but I don't want to hurt anyone with constant reminders. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday - Halloween has always been my favorite.

Friday, October 29, 2010


I've been hiding all week. I'm getting kind of sick of it. I knew this winter would be hard. I've started passing all the one year dates. One year since I found out I was pregnant has been and gone. My life has changed so fundamentally that it feels like much, much longer than a year. My relationship with my mother in law is completely destroyed. At the moment I have no desire to try to repair it. My faith that things can work out is gone. My belief in the basic goodness and kindness of most people is gone. Any comfort I had in my body is long, long gone.

This week has been pretty hard. I went to a three day professional conference in another town. I was really looking forward to the trip. I was stoked that I would get two uninterrupted nights of sleep and that I would get to go out and eat with some friends and not worry about much. Ha.

The very first thing that happened is that I sat down in the lobby across from a woman who looked about five months pregnant. Normally that just makes me a little sad, but I don't run away screaming. After all - that did work out for me once. Little did I know. As I was trying to ignore the conversation and congratulations, I hear her tell everyone her baby's name was Aiden. Fucking OW. I left. I went to my room and sobbed for an hour. I missed the only talk that evening and had to make up an excuse. The rest of the conference was spent worrying that I would hear that name again and get stuck listening to her talk about baby showers. There was another very pregnant woman there and I just couldn't seem to get away from them. In a conference with over 100 people, I ended up with them sitting very close to me at almost every talk I made it to.

Which brings me to today. Today is my office Halloween party. Last year at this party I hadn't told anyone but my boss that I was pregnant. There was a woman there who had what I thought was the coolest costume. She had glued a bunch of tentacles, eyes, and teeth to a white t-shirt that was stretched over her pregnant belly. There was red paint everywhere to make it look like a monster was bursting out of her stomach. Now I think that is morbid and gross but at the time I thought it was hilarious. I wanted so badly to tell everyone I was pregnant and do a cute costume like that, but I wasn't sure I was "safe" yet. I knew I couldn't go to that party this year and rather than try to make excuses, I just stayed home. I really do have a migraine but it normally wouldn't have stopped me from going to work.

We have plans to be gone during Christmas and New Years so I have more hiding to do. I've been really angry that all my dates have revolved around holidays but at the same time it gives me a great excuse to disappear. I wish I could just tell people - "I don't want to be happy today, my baby died" and have them understand and be sympathetic. But I don't trust that they will respond the way I need them to. The people that are supposed to love me and support me didn't - why should near strangers? So I'm hiding.

In other news - I haven't had a chance to post this and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm running the 5K for March of Dimes next week. I wanted to do something to help prevent what happened to us. More people should be aware that the standard dose of folic acid may not be enough so I am supporting the research that March of Dimes does to prevent birth defects like Aiden's. I put up a widget if anyway has some spare change to contribute. Well wishes are equally appreciated.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

CD who the hell knows

I FINALLY stopped bleeding, the day after taking the first progesterone. I really wish I had thought of that 3 freaking weeks ago. I can't wait to see if my blood count is low.

I was told not to do any um, activities, until after the antibiotic is finished and I get the ultrasound, just to make sure everything is cleared up. I'm sure that means I will ovulate next week and have a perfect 14 luteal phase, cause that's the way my body likes to do things. It is kind of nice to not worry about a cycle, though.

In other news - Adoption applications are DONE! I'm turning them in tomorrow. Woo hoo! I'm nervous, wish me luck.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

That went well I suppose

I love my doctor. She is always kind and never condescending. She remembers my background and doesn't talk down to me. That is so very rare.

Here's the game plan:
Progesterone to stop this ridiculous bleeding, and two antibiotics for one week in case the pain and bleeding are being caused by a bacterial infection. She took a culture but said the one she suspects is very hard to grow and might not show up.

I'm scheduled for a saline enhanced ultrasound and endometrial biopsy on the 11th. Sounds painful. She wants to check for polyps and fibroids and see what my lining is doing. I'm really grateful she is trying to do what she can for me in regards to fertility testing. Never once did she recommend birth control. She seems to have a good opinion of the one and only fertility specialist around here, so come January I may have new round of appointments and testing.

I find myself with very little hope that any of this will do any good. I'll be thrilled if I can have another baby but I just have a feeling it will never happen. Just like I had a feeling I would lose Aiden. I'm not super depressed because the adoption plan is coming along, at least we have a plan B. But I will always regret not getting a chance to hear that first little cry again.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Appointment tomorrow

I've now been bleeding for 20 days. This isn't the first time that's happened but things are definitely way more screwed up then they've ever been before. I don't know what to expect. If she tells me to take birth control I may explode. I'm nervous something new is wrong that I can't fix. I'm worried that my insurance won't cover anything. I wish I could just stop dealing with this damn, useless, broken body of mine.

I'll update as soon as I can, please keep your fingers crossed that I get good news for once.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Wow. Really?

Oh, my mother in law.

I wrote this 29 days after giving birth to Aiden. Things have really only gotten worse since then. This week really takes the cake.

Last week I stopped by my MIL's house to get something to surprise my husband with for our anniversary. The previous week she had demanded that we watch her stupid, spoiled dog. The dog managed to destroy our rented house in 2 days. My husband took her back to MIL's house and left her alone (with adequate food and water) for four days. I wasn't sure if the dog was dead or MIL was just pissed that we didn't watch her the whole week, since she hadn't called us, so when I got to her house I was listening for the dog. She normally wears a collar with bells on it and you can hear her coming. I got to the front door and saw that the screen door and front window were open. I didn't check if the door was locked but did hear bells. I assumed the dog was okay and MIL wasn't home. I unlocked the door and went in. I didn't notice until much later that the dog was not wearing her collar. My MIL's back door was wide open and some lights were on. At first I thought she was home and her car was gone - it is a POS and always in the shop. Then I thought she had run to the store and not locked up.

Well - it turns out she was robbed. The bells I heard were the bells on her backdoor. They rang as the robbers ran out the back door, while I was coming in the front.

My MIL called my husband that night and cried and cried about the $700 and jewelry that was stolen. She was apparently unconcerned that I had been lucky not to get hurt. But here is the good part: the woman who didn't call us for 2 months after OUR SON DIED complained to her son that he didn't call and check on her. She actually said, "since you can't call me and check on me." And this phone call came on our anniversary.

Today she called to bitch at my husband that he needs to come over and fix her damn shower, install a wall-mounted safe, and find out what kind of computer she should get.

My husband showed much more restraint than I would have. I'm sure you can imagine what I would say - it starts with an F and ends in you.


Monday, October 18, 2010

really TMI - don't say I didn't warn you

I love my Diva cup, but days like today make even me squeamish. I have not stopped bleeding since my period started on the 1st of the month. It was mostly light after the first few days but all of a sudden on Sunday it got much, much heavier. I also had severe cramps and still do. I'm starting to get worried, this is really weird, even for me.

I'm bleeding so heavy that I filled up the cup in a couple of hours. I had to dump it at a gas station while I was out in the field and it looked like someone had been murdered in the bathroom. There was so much blood I really wondered if I should go to the hospital. I'm still kind of nervous although the flow has slowed down now. The cramps are bad, motrin is not helping. I just have no idea what the hell is going on. I was going to try to get my GYN's help in conning the insurance company and have her order an HSG for suspected fibroids. I didn't really think I had them but my insurance won't cover an HSG if it is for blocked tubes. So now I am wondering if maybe I need one anyway. This is the second cycle that has gone on and on, but the first with the crazy heavy bleeding.

I have an appointment on Thursday, just keep your fingers crossed that I make it through the boat ride tomorrow.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Random thoughts

I'm over the moon to hear that B is finally pregnant again. Please stop by and give her a hug so she knows she has some support during what will be a very scary 9 months.

I forgot to light a candle for Aiden. I wasn't even home and right now I don't really feel guilty about it. I guess it's because it is a day someone else picked and really has no relation to my life. I suppose I also didn't want to turn our anniversary (the 18th) into another painful day like Christmas and New Years will always be now.

I decided to call a fertility specialist and am kind of pissed at myself that I never looked into this before. I always thought that we would never be able to afford it. I didn't realize that the 10-20K price tag was really only for IVF. Even though I knew about IUIs and knew I probably just need a medicated and monitored cycle, I just never realized that might not be out of our reach. From what I was told we may be able to get a couple of IUIs for under 2K, which is really doable. So maybe I'll put off that breast reduction a little longer.

I'm almost done with my adoption paperwork, but my husband hasn't even started his. I am trying very hard not to get angry. I know he cares and wants to do this, he just doesn't have the insane voice in his head demanding that we do everything NOW!

So - a little bit of hope, I guess. But winter is coming and it has almost been a year. There is something just so sad about that.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Paperwork hell

I wish I had more time to post here. I have so many things to talk about. Right now I am trying desperately to get this adoption application filled out. Other people must not sleep very much. There are just not enough hours in the day for a full time job, a family, and friends. I have so many demands on my time that I had to schedule a day a month in advance to spend doing something I enjoyed without my family.

Anyway - if anyone knows people that are dealing with foster adoption, I would love to know. I'm having a hard time finding answers to my many, many questions. This paperwork is taking forever and I'm feeling the strain of not having it done. I think a master's thesis would have been a lot easier. Yikes!

Wish me and my poor arthritic hands luck, I think I'm going to need it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Kicking you when you are down

The universe seems to be good at this.

I just read this post by B and it got me thinking about what I'm dealing with right now.

I'm sure I've mentioned that my suck ass employer doesn't offer my position any benefits whatsoever. I get paid only when I work. So when I left abruptly for a month after learning my baby was dying, it started a financial meltdown that we are just now starting to pull out of. We lost our house in Idaho that we spent four years remodeling. We had to file bankruptcy so we lost our excellent credit rating. We lost what little savings we had paying for the lawyer. And now, we may lose our chance at adopting this year.

I'm pissed. This is NOT FAIR! We both have college degrees. We have both worked hard to find good jobs. It is NOT our fault the economy collapsed and I lost my job. It is NOT our fault that as soon as we recovered (somewhat) from that, our baby died. Yet if I ask a rental agency about a property and mention that we had a bankruptcy, they do the equivalent of hanging up on me.

I don't understand this. Aren't there thousands and thousands of people with ruined credit, foreclosures, and rocky employment histories out there? Are the rental agencies really that blind? We have never, EVER been late on a bill not related to the bankruptcy. Our rent and utilities and car payments are all up to date. So I'm not trustworthy because my baby died? Fuck you.

I'm hoping we can find a person renting their house themselves. Otherwise I'm not sure we can get a bigger place that will allow us to adopt more than one girl. Right now if we did a home study that is what we would be approved for, and how many healthy girls are there that have no siblings and would be safe with a four year old? Not many.

For awhile after Aiden died I was able to ignore the "small stuff" but this doesn't feel small to me, and why do I have to deal with petty bullshit when all I want is to hold my baby?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Think of one happy thought, and you can fly

Or so the song goes.

I've been really angry that my whole pregnancy came down to one horrible, life-changing decision and in the trauma of those two weeks I lost all of the good moments in my pregnancy. I thought they were gone for good but I think maybe I just wasn't ready to see them.

All along there was a wonderful memory close to my heart, I just wasn't seeing it for what it was. My husband and I nicknamed our baby the little alligator. The name has stuck so that we even got a little stuffed gator to remember him by. The name comes from something my daughter said. I wish I could remember how far along I was, but one day we were laying in bed, my daughter and I, and I was asking her if she wanted a little brother or sister. She first said sister and then said brother and then said two sisters. I laughed and exclaimed, "Two! Do you think there are two babies in there?"

She giggled and told me there were two babies. Then her eyes got big and in a very dramatic voice she informed me that there were ALLIGATORS in my tummy. And they will BITE me! We laughed and tickled and moved on to other things. I thought that was freaking adorable and told everyone, and Aiden's nickname was born.

All this time I've been calling him my little alligator, without ever really connecting the joy of that day to the name. I remembered where it came from, I just couldn't remember the joy involved. It was like I just couldn't see the sunshine in that memory because the hole I was living in was so very dark. I lost all ability to even REMEMBER the sun, it became someone else's fantasy that I didn't really believe in.

Suddenly one day this week I was driving home and something made me remember that day. And I smiled. It was so odd, and so liberating. Maybe I will believe the sun is there. Maybe I can even see a ray or two.