Saturday, January 30, 2010

Letter to my mother in law

I've seen several other bloggers do this and more than one person has recommended it, so here goes.

Dear Carol,

I am angry that you told your son you couldn't come to the hospital to say goodbye to your grandson because "you had to work." You broke his heart. He needed his mom and you haven't been there, even though you are the only relative we have in town or within 300 miles. Yeah, I realize you may have not wanted to see a two day dead, 21 week baby - but you could have held your son in the hallway while he cried.

I can't believe that you questioned us taking off from work after WE LOST OUR SON. You haven't once called to check on me, even though you used to call me once a week for random crap. You haven't talked to your son at all since our baby died.

Sean's brother told us that you just can't handle this, that you shut down when faced with tragedy. But you know what? I don't care. Suck it up - you are a mother, just like me. You can't abandon your son because you don't know how to handle it. You don't have to handle it, you just have to be there.

I thought when you called today that you had finally decided to visit your living granddaughter, who has missed you very much and doesn't understand why she doesn't see you any more. I didn't think you would be so callous as to bring me more work. THAT'S why we haven't come to your house - not because we don't need your computer anymore like you said today - but because you completely ignore our grief and exhaustion and expect us to do all the work around your house for you.

So this is what I wanted to say to you in the car: we don't come to your house anymore because OUR BABY DIED and you don't seem to care. We are tired and heartsore and don't give a damn if your stupid sink is leaking. If you had bothered to call and asked you would know we aren't doing well and could use some help. Well, we won't be asking you, and we won't be seeing much of you either. Maybe I will have to work the next time you call.


I will probably not do anything with this - I am way too passive, I know. But I won't open myself to be hurt by her again. I just really, really wish I could make it different for my husband. He's been abandoned by everyone in this. It hurts so badly that the people he loves let him down right when he needed them the most and I can't make them see what they have done.

I don't think I'm going to get tired of saying this: this fucking sucks.

1 comment:

  1. oh god does this suck.

    D's dad has never been in touch about what happened to us. he sent us a christmas card three weeks later and D a birthday card three weeks after that. screw the cards. all D wanted was a call, or a card, to say how sorry they were for our loss.

    it's so unfair when parents fail you at a time like this.

    i'm so sorry you and sean are suffering this.