Warning: lots of f-bombs
So - I went to my first therapy appointment today and got through the whole long sad and horrible story. I like this therapist already - she kept saying "oh shit" about different aspects of my story. I told her that I was a seething ball of rage and that I feel like I am hurting my daughter with it; she made me feel a little better about that.
Here's the kicker: as we were wrapping up, she asked if I had ever worked through the childhood abuse I mentioned on my intake. I told her that I had worked with a therapist after my daughter was born because I was pretty sure I had postpartum depression. She sat up and asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with it. I said no, because the therapy helped and I just never saw an MD about it. She said that if I did have PPD before, I probably have it now.
I just folded over and sobbed. I did not even fucking think about that. I have said to more than one person that I am now convinced I had PPD before because I feel very similar now to what I did back then (particularly the memory loss). But my reasoning was that I have good reason to be feeling so badly now, so last time must have just been hormonal. What a fucking idiot I am.
It never once occured to me that I was postpartum. Well, hello, I GAVE BIRTH 3 weeks ago. Even though I have lactating boobs and haven't stopped bleeding, I somehow ignored that I would have postpartum symptoms - possibly including depression since I was already prone to it.
What a cruel fucking joke. I was just saying on the glow in the woods post how unfair the postpartum crap is. We have to pay the admission price to motherhood but we don't get the door prize.
Fuck. Fuckity FUCK FUCK FUCK!