I am a shitty mother.
After losing my son you would think I would be more patient and careful with my daughter. The opposite is true. Today was so damn hard. Sean was gone from 3am to 6pm and I got about 2 hours of sleep. I have a cold and Kira was up before 6. All of this culminated in me smacking Kira in the parking lot of Chi.k fil, A.
She ran away from me so I said we were going home. I had brought her there to play because it was cold and dreary all day. She did fine for almost 2 hours. When I picked her up to leave, she hit me with both fists right on my face. I was furious. I lost all patience and my ability to act like an adult. I hauled her out to the car and when she hit me again, I hit her back. It wasn't much more than a tap but I feel so horrible about it.
Kira has always been an extremely demanding child. She exhausts me on a regular basis. But the flip side of that is that she is brilliant, exuberant, loves people and is such a happy girl. So why can't I be a better mother to her? I don't understand why I have LESS patience than I did before Aiden died. It is like she is intruding on my grief, which is so wrong. I know she is acting up more because her little world is all messed up too, but it doesn't help me to be more patient. I need to fix this - I can't feel like I failed both my children. I am barely holding onto myself as it is.
And here I was thinking that I need to make this blog less whiny and self-indulgent. It's what I need now, though, so I hope people will understand.