Saturday, February 6, 2010

Why can't I do this?

I am a shitty mother.

After losing my son you would think I would be more patient and careful with my daughter. The opposite is true. Today was so damn hard. Sean was gone from 3am to 6pm and I got about 2 hours of sleep. I have a cold and Kira was up before 6. All of this culminated in me smacking Kira in the parking lot of Chi.k fil, A.

She ran away from me so I said we were going home. I had brought her there to play because it was cold and dreary all day. She did fine for almost 2 hours. When I picked her up to leave, she hit me with both fists right on my face. I was furious. I lost all patience and my ability to act like an adult. I hauled her out to the car and when she hit me again, I hit her back. It wasn't much more than a tap but I feel so horrible about it.

Kira has always been an extremely demanding child. She exhausts me on a regular basis. But the flip side of that is that she is brilliant, exuberant, loves people and is such a happy girl. So why can't I be a better mother to her? I don't understand why I have LESS patience than I did before Aiden died. It is like she is intruding on my grief, which is so wrong. I know she is acting up more because her little world is all messed up too, but it doesn't help me to be more patient. I need to fix this - I can't feel like I failed both my children. I am barely holding onto myself as it is.

And here I was thinking that I need to make this blog less whiny and self-indulgent. It's what I need now, though, so I hope people will understand.

3 comments:

  1. Joining the ranks of the sleepless to come and support you (thanks for visiting my blog as well). I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. I will induct myself into the 'shitty mothers' club, too. I have a 3 year old as well, and I just don't have the patience and strength to be the mom I want to be for him some days. The other day he said, "I love Daddy, but I don't love you." I know he's 3...and this was most likely a ploy to see what I would do. I should've gently kissed his head and told him I would love him no matter what. Instead, I told him, if he wanted the cereal he was so vehemently demanding, he better shut his trap. Nice, huh?

    You are not failing Kira...she is struggling through this grief in a messy, tantrum-y, 3 year old kind of way. How completely impossible it would be for you to be Mother Teresa right now to her? Making sure she is fed, clothed and sheltered may be all you have to give at times for her right now. She'll get the rest of what she needs from others...kids are devilshly resourceful.

    Many hugs to you. I'm sitting by you in your dark place tonight, letting you know you are not alone.

    Ev

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  2. You are being so hard on yourself. This is really shitty. Like Eve says, how can you expect a grieving mother to be perfect to her living child? I bet you wouldn't expect it of a friend who was in your position.

    Is there anyone nearby who can help you look after her when you are on your own and finding it this hard? I wish I was close enough to offer myself :(

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  3. i mean it's a really shitty thing to happen, just to be clear.

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