Kira doesn't understand that dead is dead and you don't get to wear clothes, or play, or drink when you are dead. And you won't come back. You won't ever come back. No matter how hard your mommy and daddy and big sister cry for you, you won't ever come back.
I was putting Kira to bed and she asked why my boobs were hanging down. I laughed and told her I didn't have my bra on (I can knock someone unconscious with my boobs - they don't even have to be standing close). She then said "I was a baby and drank those." I said yes, you were. Then she said that baby Aiden would drink those.
When my milk came in I was angry. It was another damned reminder of what I didn't have. But perversely, when it was gone, I was sad. It was like my body forgot. Just like everyone around me, even my husband at times, has forgotten. There is no physical sign on me that he was ever here. No stretch marks, no milk, not even any new skin tags.
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep saying over and over, he's not coming back.
I fucking know he's not coming back! Please, please stop reminding me. And stop making me say it.