Thursday, February 4, 2010

The list

I've been thinking about this for awhile. What keeps overwhelming me and making me cry, "why?" is how long the list of defects was. I still can't understand how such a tiny little thing with so many, many problems could have lived and kept growing. I look back now at the betas and the early bleeding and think maybe if I hadn't taken the progesterone my body would have rejected this pregnancy very early on. I'll never know and I can't say right now if I will take the progesterone in the future. Anyway, here is the most complete list of Aiden's problems, starting with the actual diagnosis and probable cause of the defects. For some reason it is important to me to get it all written down in one place. No single report that we have lists everything.

chromosomal deletion 2q(35-37.1)

Hydrocephaly

Arnold Chiari malformation type II (brain is sitting too low and going into the spinal chord)

Spina Bifida

Clenched hands (indicates severe neurological problem)

bilateral (both sides) cleft lip and palate

rocker-bottom feet and some kind of deformity in the bones of the legs

Heart: ventral septal and atrial septal defects

enlarged kidneys

no stomach bubble seen in multiple u/s - could indicate that the esophagus doesn't reach the stomach or there was no stomach

polyhydramnios - indicates he couldn't swallow or that the fluid didn't reach the stomach

Intra-uterine growth restriction was likely - he was already measuring 2-3 weeks behind

All of this and I still have to convince myself that he would never have made it full term, let alone had any kind of decent life.

Why?

3 comments:

  1. I want to acknowledge your list but I don't know what to say :(

    I know it doesn't matter what anyone says but I'm sure you made the right decision. I hope one day you can make peace with it.

    Thinking of you as always x

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  2. You loved your baby more than yourself. Your choice was emotional pain for you and peace for him...You're not alone in reminding yourself that all that the time. I often go through the Liam's medical file and do more researching and questioning.

    Sending peaceful thoughts!
    ~Kari

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  3. Here from LFCA.

    The one wise thing one of my doctors said before we induced was that we will always be only 51% sure we did the right thing. 2 years later, I know he was right.

    Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.

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