Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Support for another anon on glow

This was the last post I saw on Glow:

"Thank you all for trying to understand, even though I accept that what I say makes no sense. I never meant to imply that this was something I decided or reasoned out. If only logic came into it...

Moops says 'It all comes from wanting to have spent more time with our babies, to feel more like mothers, and to know that our pain is - objectively - legitimate.'

Yes. I can't say it any better than that.

Mindy - 'One iota of envy of that experience is born of ignorance and folly.'
I can accept that. It's how I feel but yes, I can absolutely understand that it's born of not having walked there.

I have been too scared to log on all day. I wish I had been brave enough to log on sooner. I shouldn't have been so scared.

I wish I was brave enough to sign my name.

Thank you all."

Another anon - I think I know who you are and I think you read here. If I'm right you have been a wonderful support to me and I wanted to tell you something. I would have left it on Glow but the discussion is a couple of days old and I was afraid you would miss it.

I do understand, it does make sense. Sometimes I think it would have been much easier to lose Aiden early on and never know what was wrong with him. Sometimes I'm grateful I got to hold him and I have pictures and felt him move. Sometimes I'm jealous that I couldn't keep him a little longer, so we at least got a birth certificate. Sometimes I want so desperately to have been able to hold him while he was alive, even though I know he would have been in pain. I understand you being jealous of people who got to hold their babies - some of what they said made me gasp in pain. Your loss is not trivial. You are a mother. I also understand the post that said you don't want to see your child gasping for breath - of course you don't want to see your baby in pain. That doesn't mean you have to be grateful that your baby died when it did. That doesn't mean that you didn't miss out on something by not getting to feel the kicks, or hold the baby while he or she was still warm and moving.

If you are who I think you are, you have never said "I understand because I had a miscarriage," which is what Mindy was dealing with (I think). I hope everyone on Glow has been able to understand that you weren't trying to say your loss was the same, or better, or worse, but just that you felt marginalized by the nature of your loss. And you feel that you have missed out on the baby things (you have). And I understand that too, I've noticed that loss communities and society in general don't allow for much grief in miscarriages. It's not fair, you lost a baby too and you have every right to grieve for it in whatever way is right for you.

I'm sorry you feel marginalized, and I hope you continue to feel safe on Glow. If you want to talk you are welcome to email me anytime. I sincerely hope nothing I said here made you feel worse, I just wanted you to know that I think I understand what you were saying and it is all legitimate.

One last thing: you are in a vulnerable place and don't need someone's anger directed at you - I don't blame you at all for posting annonymously. Please don't feel guilty.


  1. Well I put my two pence worth in at this discussion, probably far too late. I spent too long thinking about it (to no avail I might add!)

    This response says it much better than I managed to. I think we were trying to make the same point x

  2. I did see your comment. I thought you said it better than I did :)

    I heard back from another anon (I was right, she does read here) and she was grateful that someone understood. I believe she saw your post as well and it helped her too. I'm glad someone else felt the way I did. We need to spend what little energy we have on building each other up.