Monday, February 1, 2010

One month

Dear Aiden,

I'ts been one month today that you have been gone from me, if you count by the day of the month. But when you are pregnant, you count by weeks so I lit candles for you on Friday, since that's the day of the week that you were born. I miss you. Today I am filled with regret and I have had a list buzzing in my head for a couple of days now. It will probably only get longer as time goes on, but hopefully it will eventually get easier to forgive myself. I love you. I wish you could have met your big sister. God, she would have been wonderful to you.

Rest in peace, little one.

The things I regret:

I didn't get a 3D ultrasound after we knew you were going to die. It didn't occur to me until I saw that on a board I had posted on but didn't return to until you were already gone.

I didn't kiss you. Your skin was starting to peel and your poor little face was so deformed, all I could bring myself to do was kiss you on the forehead where the little hat was covering up hydrocephaly. I feel badly about that now because of the next thing.

I mourn the baby I dreamed of, not the baby I had. When I think of you alive, I think of a happy, smiling baby, not what you really would have been. Sometimes this feels like abandoning you.

This one I just thought of: we don't have a picture of our whole family. I don't even have a picture of me pregnant with you that I know of. I should have had Kira come to the hospital to say goodbye. She is such a tough girl, she probably would have been fine.

I deeply, deeply regret the way you died. It was the best way we had available to keep you from suffering too much, but I still think it was probably not painless to you and I'll always wonder if you were scared.

I regret that the only way I could protect you was to let you go. Mommy's are supposed to fix things. They just don't make a band-aid for this.

And right now, I regret that I am in a hurry to stop grieving so I can get off the meds and try again. I'm not trying to replace you, but I don't have much time and I still wanted a chance at a living baby and Kira getting to be the big sister. That feels terribly selfish and unfair to you. If I didn't have fertility problems I could give myself more time with just you, it's not fair.

I miss you. I love you.


1 comment:

  1. You did the absolute best you could.
    I hope you are not tormenting yourself with these things. They are all things that are far too easy to understand.
    You were, and are, the best Mommy Aiden could want.

    Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is to let them go. It was brave, so brave, of you to do so.

    You will be grieving for Aiden forever but I can understand all too well the wish to stop mourning so you can move on to the next child. It doesn't mean you don't love him and it doesn't mean you are selfish.

    I'm thinking of you. I often take a while to comment on your posts, because I want to say the right words. But there are no right words. I wish I had the magic words to heal you and to restore Aiden to you.