Monday, February 8, 2010

Guilt, shame, and more guilt

I am not my body
My body is not me

I am not the vessel and the maker of things,
That has betrayed its purpose

I am raw, naked, broken
Un-whole

I am not my body
My body is not me

I am a wound.

I was doing okay today, until I almost said something. My husband said "I can't wait until Kira is old enough to take a bath by herself." I almost said what I frequently did while pregnant, "by then we will have another one to worry about." It made me so sad. Mostly because I didn't forget that Aiden was gone, I was thinking of the hypothetical baby to come, since we decided to try again. That moment of thinking with hope cut me. It felt like leaving Aiden behind. I know I have to do that eventually, but I'm not ready to let the idea of him go. As Julia said here, I want him still.

Later the neighbor came over for a break from her cooped up 3 year old and her sick 4 month old. I held and soothed the baby, and for a moment I was relieved that I didn't have to deal with that. I hope it is just because of the situation right now, that the thought of staying up all night with a sick baby was too overwhelming. But I still felt that stab of guilt that I somehow deserved this, that I'm not a good parent.

The neighbor almost made me cry though, when she voiced that thought not too much later. She said something along the lines of I would be going through that if my son had lived. But I wouldn't. I would be only 6 months pregnant. And it hit me all over again, I still have 3 months until he was supposed to be here. That time is an empty space that seems so wrong and so very, very long.

5 comments:

  1. No No No. You don't deserve this, not at all.

    Even parents of babies who are fine don't enjoy looking after ill four month olds. It's not fun, it's just something you have to do. Something that's part of parenting. It doesn't mean that you're a bad mum that you were relieved not to have to deal with that.

    Were you due in May too? I just went back and re-read your earliest entries... my 20 week scan should have been on 14 December so I guess our due dates were very close. Mine was 6th May.

    Work felt unreal today. I shouldn't be going back. I should be discussing how my work is split while I'm off on maternity leave. I don't like this reality. I want my proper life back.

    Three months. It seems like a long long time.

    Thinking of you x

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  2. Yeah, mine was May 10th. I think of you when I realize how much time I have left till then. You've been dealing with this even longer. I hope work isn't too hard for you. It's hard knowing there isn't a reason to worry about going on the boat now, no one left to protect.

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  3. It was harder today. I started to realise that I've got to actually go and see the people I work with and that I can't actually hide in a corner for the rest of time. But... I can still hide for a little while longer, so i might as well take advantage of that while i can.

    We can support each other at the beginning of May then. I've booked the week off work... are you able to take a break around then? I told work I wouldn't be any good for anything and they agreed straight off. I hope that you can get it if you want to be off (you might prefer to be in work of course).

    Did you get my email? Don't worry if you don't have time to reply but I just wanted to make sure you received it. x

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  4. I'm hoping I can take a few days off around then, it will depend on the money situation. I probably got your email, I can't check it at work so I will check when I get home tonight. Yesterday was really hard for me because monday was my brother's birthday. I still have mine, my mother's, and my daughter's birthdays to get through before I even get to Aiden's due date. It should have been a longer list of birthdays and that makes me incredibly sad. Plus mother's day is going to be torment this year, its the day before. Do they do that in the UK? It's very commercialized over here, you can't get away from it. I would imagine it's much, much harder for those who lost their only child. I'll be here, whenever you need an ear. It's a long, dark road ahead.

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  5. I hope you can take some time off. Yes, I've got the birthday thing too... my dad's birthday fell between finding out the baby had died and actually miscarrying it, then christmas (SO much fun), then my husband's birthday, then my sister's, then my sister's fiancé is soon, then my other sister and my husband's sister, then my own (which falls the same weekend as the wedding i mentioned on glow) - and that's just the main birthdays.

    we have mother's day on march 14th. i might have to refuse to leave my house for the next month :( thanks for the reminder - if i'd suddenly just seen all the cards without warning, that would have been really hard. at least over here it's not so close to the due date :(

    this is crap. i know we'll get through in the end, and with time it won't be so bad, but... yeah. right now it's just horrendous.

    thanks for being there with me. i wish you weren't but... it really helps having your company as we reluctantly force our way down this road. xx

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