Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A bunch of little things

The biopsy was "normal" whatever that means. Nothing glaring to explain why I just won't stop bleeding so the next step is to try Lupron, provided my insurance can be convinced that it is necessary. If all else fails I will donate blood and then get a blood panel done - being severely anemic should get them to do something.

I find myself feeling horribly guilty for reporting the guy at work. I feel guilty that I never confronted him myself and guilty for stirring up trouble. Even though I know I HAD to do this, even though he has gotten away with his behavior for far too long, I still feel like I did something wrong. I hate that about myself. I'm so much the people pleaser that everything is always my fault. I wish I could change that about myself but at least this time I was able to ignore that little voice long enough to protect myself. Now if I could just be brave enough to not hide in my office.

I keep hurting myself. First my back and now my knee. I think I may have torn the meniscus. It was hurting constantly but not intensely for the last two months. I finally went back to the doctor and started physical therapy and now it hurts much worse, but not as often. If I keep this up I'm going to have 3 different surgeries to choose from next year, and no sick leave at work.

Speaking of sick leave. I have decided (for now) to apply for a job in my agency that will be a significant raise and full state benefits. It's a job I am pretty sure I won't enjoy but I'm thinking in the long run I will be happier. More money is the only possible way of growing our family and that is what I want most of all. I think I can take a job that I don't love for a couple of years for that. I hope I can, anyway. I'm really putting the cart before the horse worrying about this because the competition will be fierce, but I can't help it. I'm good at worrying.

So - all this and we're coming up to the one year anniversary of the worst month of my entire life. I'm finding it hard to think happy thoughts right now. I think I need to go back to counseling, at least until after the New Year. Yea. More appointments. Super.

1 comment:

  1. Uggh Jen, I am so sorry that you have to slog through this never ending pile of poo. All I can say is sorry for the suckfest.

    Now, to brighten your day a little; I gave you a silly little blog award

    Take care mamafriend.