because the universe never gave me any cards to begin with.
I'm sad and angry. I want the whole world to go away today.
My biopsy went better than expected. It hurt a lot, but not nearly as bad as I feared. I wasn't really told anything because my doctor wants to look through the pictures first. The sonographer did say it looked like I had a mildly bicornate uterus. How that was missed during two pregnancies, I'm not sure, but I'll ask about it at my follow up. There's my seventh(?) risk factor for infertility. Yay.
The bad part of the day was the other appointment. I had a really bad night on Tuesday because my sciatic pain flared up on the way home. I could barely hold the gas pedal down and by the time I got home I was in AGONY. I decided to try the neurosurgeon my doctor tried to refer me to after my MRI. I don't want to see him because I don't think it will do any good, but my doctor is not willing to treat my pain. That PISSES ME OFF. It costs twice as much to see a specialist and they are also not willing to treat chronic pain without a shit load of useless tests and procedures. I don't have many options because I cannot handle that level of pain. I don't need pain meds every day, but at least once a week it gets unbearable. So I went to my regular doc in hopes of getting a small pain med prescription before I see the surgeon and to ask him about getting a breast reduction. He immediately said that wouldn't help my lower back (I think that's bullshit, my lower back is connected to my upper back) and definitely didn't give me the impression that he would fight the insurance if I really wanted one. He told me twice that he wouldn't do pain management (I know that, asshole) and ignored my objections about taking muscle relaxers all the time.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of getting the runaround from doctors and being prescribed things I can't afford, and then being treated as a drug seeker when I don't do what they told me because IT WONT HELP AND I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!
God - I'm so angry. I hate my body. I just don't want to be in this useless broken shell anymore. I want to play with daughter without having to lie down. I want to come home without a headache, enjoy the two hours I have with my daughter, and be able to stay up long enough to spend some time with my husband. I wish I could find a doctor that would listen to me, and work with me, and not pawn me off on someone else. Or - as long as I'm wishing for the impossible - I wish I had a pool and the ability to get a massage every week and go to yoga classes, since that would probably be much more effective.
Whoever said that money can't buy happiness never had to live with infertility and chronic pain with this country's broken health care system.
Bleh. Today is a good day for wine. Lots and lots of wine. And chocolate.