Thursday, November 11, 2010

The deck is not stacked against me . . .

because the universe never gave me any cards to begin with.

I'm sad and angry. I want the whole world to go away today.

My biopsy went better than expected. It hurt a lot, but not nearly as bad as I feared. I wasn't really told anything because my doctor wants to look through the pictures first. The sonographer did say it looked like I had a mildly bicornate uterus. How that was missed during two pregnancies, I'm not sure, but I'll ask about it at my follow up. There's my seventh(?) risk factor for infertility. Yay.

The bad part of the day was the other appointment. I had a really bad night on Tuesday because my sciatic pain flared up on the way home. I could barely hold the gas pedal down and by the time I got home I was in AGONY. I decided to try the neurosurgeon my doctor tried to refer me to after my MRI. I don't want to see him because I don't think it will do any good, but my doctor is not willing to treat my pain. That PISSES ME OFF. It costs twice as much to see a specialist and they are also not willing to treat chronic pain without a shit load of useless tests and procedures. I don't have many options because I cannot handle that level of pain. I don't need pain meds every day, but at least once a week it gets unbearable. So I went to my regular doc in hopes of getting a small pain med prescription before I see the surgeon and to ask him about getting a breast reduction. He immediately said that wouldn't help my lower back (I think that's bullshit, my lower back is connected to my upper back) and definitely didn't give me the impression that he would fight the insurance if I really wanted one. He told me twice that he wouldn't do pain management (I know that, asshole) and ignored my objections about taking muscle relaxers all the time.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of getting the runaround from doctors and being prescribed things I can't afford, and then being treated as a drug seeker when I don't do what they told me because IT WONT HELP AND I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!

God - I'm so angry. I hate my body. I just don't want to be in this useless broken shell anymore. I want to play with daughter without having to lie down. I want to come home without a headache, enjoy the two hours I have with my daughter, and be able to stay up long enough to spend some time with my husband. I wish I could find a doctor that would listen to me, and work with me, and not pawn me off on someone else. Or - as long as I'm wishing for the impossible - I wish I had a pool and the ability to get a massage every week and go to yoga classes, since that would probably be much more effective.

Whoever said that money can't buy happiness never had to live with infertility and chronic pain with this country's broken health care system.

Bleh. Today is a good day for wine. Lots and lots of wine. And chocolate.


  1. Have you tried a naturopath? It's expensive, but well worth it in my opinion. I started seeing one after Charlotte died and she is slowly piecing me back together. Dr. B listens to me, and asks me what I want, and how I'm doing. I love that she considers my emotional and physical health. I've been off my thyroid medication since July 30th and I'm doing really well on plant extracts only. She's also helping me balance my hormones and improve my fertility so I can get pregnant again. My insurance won't cover any visits to the naturopath, but if yours covers chiropractic it should cover three-five visits.

    Insurance is evil and awful and miserly. Enjoy the wine and chocolate.

  2. Hey,

    I'm sorry that you are having such difficulty getting your pain under control. I have a little experience with sciatica but mine was caused by a herniated lumbar disc. I had three rounds of facet/epidural injections and between that and physical therapy my sciatic pain went away. Now, very rarely, my back hurts but it is very manageable.

    I don't understand why they won't refer you to a pain management doctor. :(

    I really hope you find some help. Living in pain is not acceptable. Good luck.

  3. I am so sorry that you are having such a touch time. I hope you can get some pain management very soon. Thinking of you......

  4. Thanks ladies - I have been to pain management before. It did not help and the injections they gave me caused me to not be able to walk for a full day, without relieving any pain at all. I can't afford the specialist copay to go to pain management anyway. I especially can't afford a naturopath. The one thing that really helps - therapeutic massage - the insurance won't pay for. I'm going to go back to the massage school for their cheap massages and hopefully that will help enough. I'll see what the new surgeon has to say, maybe he will surprise me.

  5. So sorry for the horrible day. Wine & chocolate sounds like a great idea! *hugs*

  6. Yes, this does totally suck. Our health care system has a hell of a long way to go.

    Nerve pain is terrible. I herniated a disk in my neck and lost function of my right arm. It was horribly painful, horribly. I would roll around on the floor crying. My poor husband, what he had to witness. He was a true champ through all of that. I ended up in surgery pretty quickly and feel so fortunate that my problem was in my neck, as I think those injuries respond better to surgery than do lower back problems.

    I can honestly say that if I had had to live with that pain for the rest of my life I'm not sure I would have wanted to go on. It is a pain that is impossible to understand if you haven't experienced it.

    I wish I could share my physical therapist with you. My insurance wouldn't pay for her either, but I am extremely fortunate because she put together group therapy classes, and since she specializes in spine problems we are all nicely matched. Her specialty is mixing together pilates with physical therapy. I wonder if there might be someone you could find in your area who is similar to her -- group classes, all about trying to avoid surgery/repeat surgery.

    I also heard about some big chain massage place that has a club membership where you pay X dollars a month and after your first 2 massages (that come as part of the membership) you just pay something like $15. I don't remember the numbers but it sounded like an insanely good deal if one of those places is fairly close to you.

  7. That sucks! I don't like your regular doctor, he sounds quite UNHELPFUL. Whoever said money can't buy happiness must have been a spoiled, rich brat. Money does not ensure happiness. Being able to pay for stuff that you need for health and happiness sure would be nice.