I’m doing okay today. I had a good time with my daughter over the weekend. That goes a long way towards healing the hurt of not being pregnant yet.
There were many things that made me cry the last few days. I have a good friend that has an 8 month old boy. I first met him a couple of days after I found out that Aiden was dying. My friend asked me if I wanted to hold him the first time she brought him over (our daughters were friends at daycare) and I couldn’t think of what to say so I said yes. It wasn’t so bad and I’ve been fine holding him since. However, there are several things she does with him that I don’t agree with. She thinks it is spoiling him to rock him to sleep, but he won’t sleep unless he is being held or has a bottle. There are good reasons why everyone says not to prop a bottle up and let a baby sleep with one. She doesn’t agree that it’s a problem and I can’t tell her how to mother her child. I try not to undermine what she does so I have never rocked him to sleep, even though I really want to. Yesterday I was holding him and he accidently hurt himself when I wasn’t paying attention. He screamed bloody murder and I rocked him to try to get him to calm down. He started to fall asleep so I just kept rocking. It made my chest hurt, I miss that so badly. I want to rock MY baby. She came back over and teased me about spoiling him, but she wasn’t upset. It’s so hard to watch someone do something you think is dangerous when you don’t have your own baby to protect.
Later that day I was just feeling down. We had gone to the river and that was very nice but on the way home I couldn’t stop the endless loop of missing Aiden. My husband and I shared a shower and I was already on the verge of tears but when I smelled his soap I just lost it. It was the same soap I used for my daughter when she was a baby. The smell brought back a very vivid memory of washing her when she was so tiny she couldn’t even hold up her head. I was thinking I should have a one month old; I should be using that for him. I wish I hadn’t told Sean to buy that soap. It never occurred to me that the smell would do that.
So, just random missing-baby things today. I’m tired of wallowing in grief. Tomorrow I will post about my fabulous new bra – trust me, it’s a big deal.