Monday, June 14, 2010

simply missing

I’m doing okay today. I had a good time with my daughter over the weekend. That goes a long way towards healing the hurt of not being pregnant yet.

There were many things that made me cry the last few days. I have a good friend that has an 8 month old boy. I first met him a couple of days after I found out that Aiden was dying. My friend asked me if I wanted to hold him the first time she brought him over (our daughters were friends at daycare) and I couldn’t think of what to say so I said yes. It wasn’t so bad and I’ve been fine holding him since. However, there are several things she does with him that I don’t agree with. She thinks it is spoiling him to rock him to sleep, but he won’t sleep unless he is being held or has a bottle. There are good reasons why everyone says not to prop a bottle up and let a baby sleep with one. She doesn’t agree that it’s a problem and I can’t tell her how to mother her child. I try not to undermine what she does so I have never rocked him to sleep, even though I really want to. Yesterday I was holding him and he accidently hurt himself when I wasn’t paying attention. He screamed bloody murder and I rocked him to try to get him to calm down. He started to fall asleep so I just kept rocking. It made my chest hurt, I miss that so badly. I want to rock MY baby. She came back over and teased me about spoiling him, but she wasn’t upset. It’s so hard to watch someone do something you think is dangerous when you don’t have your own baby to protect.

Later that day I was just feeling down. We had gone to the river and that was very nice but on the way home I couldn’t stop the endless loop of missing Aiden. My husband and I shared a shower and I was already on the verge of tears but when I smelled his soap I just lost it. It was the same soap I used for my daughter when she was a baby. The smell brought back a very vivid memory of washing her when she was so tiny she couldn’t even hold up her head. I was thinking I should have a one month old; I should be using that for him. I wish I hadn’t told Sean to buy that soap. It never occurred to me that the smell would do that.

So, just random missing-baby things today. I’m tired of wallowing in grief. Tomorrow I will post about my fabulous new bra – trust me, it’s a big deal.


  1. After Calla died, two weeks, actually, I re-enrolled E in a Kindermusik class. He loved it, so I thought it would be good to keep him in his routine, despite dying inside every damn minute. At least, I consoled myself, there won't be babies there.

    Except there was. One mom insisted on bringing her infant--well, how do I know what her childcare sitch was, but in my head I thought, "she insisted!"--and left him in his carrier in the corner. And any time he'd fuss, she'd scoot on over and prop a bottle up under his face.

    Once, he fell asleep with that damn thing in his mouth, and I had to really check myself from making sure he wasn't dead. I was certain. Thankfully, he wasn't. Needless to say, that session of classes wasn't very enjoyable.

    Just want you to know I understand, too. And I'm sorry. And I hope you're OK, and I'm interested in this fabulous bra--I could use one, myself.

  2. Thanks Mary Beth. I know this friend thinks I'm overprotective. She has put her baby to sleep in my house with the bottle propped in his mouth. It makes me crazy, I check on him every two minutes. I'm always sure it will be MY house he chokes in. Not that I want him to choke at all, of course.

  3. Hi there, visiting from LFCA. I wanted to send some support and comforting vibes to you... I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

    The pain of loss is unlike any I've experienced before, and, well... you're not alone. Small and simple and it doesn't fill the void, but it's the best I can do. ((Hugs))


  4. Oh Jen. I get in trouble with my in-laws over the whole rocking to sleep thing. It just seems so natural to me personally that I can't imagine doing anything else! I know I would be very uneasy about anyone leaving their child with a bottle propped in their mouth. I'm sorry that your own little boy isn't here to cherish and rock to sleep and bathe.
    Looking forward to fabulous bra news.x

  5. you can't spoil a baby. you just can't. my friend's gf accuses my friend of that too. it's just an excuse for the fact that she almost never interacts with their baby.

    and the bottle thing. how dangerous. i can't even imagine.

    thinking of you jen. i've been around but just quiet. i hope you're doing ok. xx