Monday: Spend the day on the phone with a new daycare I’m trying to get Kira into. The director had to apply for a variance to accept kids from the waiting list. I have to give a week’s notice at the other daycare so I was hoping it would go through today. It didn’t happen by 5pm. And I’m not pregnant.
Tuesday: I go to PT after having the worst pain in a month for no particular reason, only to find out that I have maxed out my approved visits and have to get another referral to continue. I walk into work 30 minutes late, and already in pain, to be told that everyone else has been pulled off what they are doing to deal with the oil spill and I have to spend the entire day with the co-worker I HATE doing a routine sampling run. She gets us lost repeatedly and by the end of the day I want to puncture my eardrums so I don’t have to listen to her bigoted bitching anymore. I’m so damn tired that I skip my SHARE meeting, which I really needed today. I get to Kira’s daycare and find out that she made a racial comment to my husband that morning. She repeats it to me and says she heard another kid say it. I call the other daycare and BEG them to take her the next day, because she WILL NOT be going back there, ever. They said they could, thank god. Still not pregnant.
Wednesday: I get Kira settled into her new daycare. It’s nerve-wracking for me, she seems to enjoy it. Get to work late again; spend the day not doing anything except getting worried about my MRI that evening. I’m 14 dpo and still negative, although no sign of a period. Freak out all day that maybe I’m pregnant and should cancel, convince myself I’m not pregnant and go ahead. Get through the MRI and the rest of the night okay, although I can’t sleep.
Thursday: My temps dropped but are still above the cover line. I’m 15 dpo and there’s no sign of anything. The tests are still negative. Freak out that I am pregnant and call OB. She says to wait a week. Apparently she doesn’t realize I’ll be in the loony bin by then. Then I get my MRI results – no significant findings. There is some minor disc bulging but nothing to explain the extreme pain I’ve been in for two months. So I may have scrambled an embryo for absolutely fucking nothing. Fantastic.
The only thing keeping me together today is that I know my daughter is safe now, and much happier. I wish I could have moved her months ago. Although now I get to tell the new daycare about our loss so they know not to tell her she’s not a big sister.
My soundtrack today:
Death already came and got me
“I can’t, I can’t stop crying”
Wreck of the day
“Driving away from the wreck of the day. . . desperately close to a coffin of oak, I’d cheat destiny just to be near you . . . if this is giving up, then I’m giving up”
Full of grace
“I feel just like I’m sinking, and I claw for solid ground. I’m pulled down by the undertow. I never thought I could feel so low, oh in darkness I feel like letting go.”
I need wine. And chocolate.
I wrote this yesterday, but I didn't get a chance to post it. Today my period finally started, with the usual horrible cramps. More and more oil is headed our way, it's just so depressing.