Friday, June 25, 2010

Ungrateful

I find myself struggling with this all the time. I am ungrateful. My co-worker just adopted a baby through foster care. It is very rare to get a healthy baby this way and this one is only 2.5 months old. He started the adoption process AFTER I got pregnant; which means he spent less time getting a child than we did and he gets to bring his home. We struggled with the decision to adopt or try for another pregnancy. The only reason I chose pregnancy is because it was the cheaper and easier (Ha!) option. I keep thinking today that if we had gone down the adoption road, we would have another child by now. Even though there is never any guarantee, I keep thinking that we could have been the ones taking that baby home this week. I am ungrateful because I was able to get pregnant when so many would give everything just to get that far. I am ungrateful that we beat incredible odds in having our first baby survive and be healthy. I am ungrateful that I have a beautiful daughter and a devoted husband.

I have been unable to grieve the loss of my son without feeling guilty for not appreciating what I have. It is very frustrating because it makes my feelings about my son very confusing and conflicted. I just want to miss him without all the other crap floating around.

Blah! I need to go to sleep. Tomorrow will be better.

Incidentally - the craziness earlier this week has settled down. My car did not act up for the mechanic so we will have to keep driving it and hope it doesn't break down. At least it wasn't a huge repair we couldn't afford. My husband didn't get in any trouble at work about his accident. I did have a sheriff's deputy attempt to serve a summons to me from a collector, but we are filing bankruptcy this week so they can't touch us. I'm so glad this week is over.

3 comments:

  1. First, I need to remind you that everything is relative. There are always stories of a case worse than yours, not matter what the situation is. You can always use this information to make yourself feel guilty or ungrateful. Your grief over Aiden does not take away from your love for your daughter and your husband. I think that they co-exist and you can feel both at the same time. This does not make you ungrateful,it makes you a person with a complicated life that has both good and bad things in it.
    Second, you have so much going on right now (finances, TTC, grieving, being a mother to Kyra) I have no idea how you know where to look first. It must incredibly overwhelming. I think you are doing an amazing job given how much you have to deal with.
    Hoping it does in fact get better tomorrow, but if not, we are here for you.

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  2. I can empathize completely. It's a two sided coin, this grief, when you have a wonderful, amazing living child and supportive wonderful husband/partner. You feel like, "Who am I to be so freaking MISERABLE all the time?!"

    But they can coexist. They have to. Being grateful for your life doesn't discount the utter devastation we feel at the same time.

    I hear you, I get it, too.

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  3. i think you're allowed to be ungrateful, honey. you have been put through hell. the good things in your life don't wipe that away.

    you should have the good things in your life AS WELL as your Aiden. i wish you did.

    hugs xxxxx

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