Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Something to keep me occupied during the tww

This is probably really unhealthy but I am playing a game called, "What is your worst fear?"

At first I said my worst fear was this happening again. A very sick baby and a terrible choice to make. Then I thought it would be worse if there was something wrong but it might not be fatal - to me that is a much worse decision.

But I realized today what my worst fear is - multiples.

I can think of 6 twin pregnancies I know about right off the top of my head. None of them ended well. Not one. In the best one the two boys survived their NICU stay and one twin is developmentally behind. Not tragic, I know, but still. In all of the others one or both twins died.

Twins run in my husband's family. I took clomid. I don't want to know the odds but I am terrified of dropping more than one egg or having one split, or - god forbid - both. I would probably carry a twin pregnancy, although I would be utterly terrified. But there is no way I could do triplets or more. I know my health is not up to that. But the thought of getting a reduction is so awful I can barely comprehend it. I hope this doesn't add to anyone's guilt or anxiety, but I can't fathom having to choose to end the life of a healthy embryo to save another. I can't imagine living with the guilt. I know that worrying about this is useless, I just can't seem to help it. I think about alternatives. What if I did carry 3 or 4? If something horrible happened, especially if I lost them all, I would never forgive myself. If I had a reduction, I would never forgive myself.

Apparently my way of coping with stress is to come up with even more horrible (and probably unrealistic) things to worry about. I'm going to blame it on my friend who used to always say, "It could be worse, it can always be worse."

What about you? What are you afraid of?

*PS - I do realize that clomid usually doesn't result in high-order multiples, I am just ridiculously paranoid.

10 comments:

  1. Ectopic!!!! Number one fear!

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  2. That's on my list, but pretty far down. Have you had your beta yet?

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  3. My worst fear is that we will never carry a PG to term and we will keep getting PG and losing them. Also, I conceive twins naturally (my egg split/identical); now I am taking Clomid and I am scare of multiples again.

    Side note that I learned while being PG with twins: twins are only genetically conceived through the mother's side; ie you release 2 eggs is hereditary, identical twins are very rare and it is very rare to happen to the same person twice...but yet again I fear I could be in that less than 1% that this happens too.

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  4. Not ever seeing 2 lines again.

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  5. all of these things are things that terrify me, but i think the thought of finding out there is something wrong but that the diagnosis is not fatal is what terrifies me most of all. one of my cousins has learning difficulties and cannot really look after himself and the stress over 2+ decades has made my aunt very ill at times. having to decide whether to go through with a pregnancy or not in that situation... jesus. i can't even consider what i would do. i wouldn't be able to end a pregnancy i wanted and i wouldn't be able not to.

    but not getting pregnant again, ectopic, miscarriage, multiples, stillbirth, neonatal death, recurrent losses of any kind... these ideas scare me so much.

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  6. It's enough to make you question your wish for a child isn't it? There are so many damn things to be afraid of.

    Even after birth it doesn't end. A little girl the same age as mine wandered away from her parents on the beach and drowned this weekend. Someone once said that becoming a mother means wearing your heart on the outside of your body - how right they are.

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  7. I am afraid that I will never hold that little baby that we want so badly. I feel like i can endure whatever god has in store for me, miscarriages, etc, but only with the belief that one day i will get to hold that precious baby.

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  8. Oh, the fears on top of fears. Fear that I'll never fully be human again after losing our little girl, fear that this pregnancy will end the way our last one did, fear that something will happen to our little boy whom I love more than anything in this world.

    I do this to myself, too. I was overdue with our son--almost 42 weeks--and I think everyday, "what if it had been him?" I think that's one of the saddest parts of this shit--knowing what could have been, but never, ever, can be.

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  9. I've had two early miscarriages and a stillbirth and my biggest fear is still not getting to try again before it's too late.
    My husband is a worrier by nature and has a page of handwritten notes about his concerns (which i haven't read, but will be unveiled during this weekend's big "talk" I'm sure.) I'm sure twins is on there (they run in my family.)
    That doesn't really scare me. My mom had giant twins when I was 18 years-old. They were great!
    I really can only keep one worry in my brain at a time and right now, it is simply that time will run out.

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  10. I worry about my surviving twin, especially checking to make sure she is still breathing while she is asleep.
    Also I worry that we will wait too long to decide whether or not to have another child.

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