This is probably really unhealthy but I am playing a game called, "What is your worst fear?"
At first I said my worst fear was this happening again. A very sick baby and a terrible choice to make. Then I thought it would be worse if there was something wrong but it might not be fatal - to me that is a much worse decision.
But I realized today what my worst fear is - multiples.
I can think of 6 twin pregnancies I know about right off the top of my head. None of them ended well. Not one. In the best one the two boys survived their NICU stay and one twin is developmentally behind. Not tragic, I know, but still. In all of the others one or both twins died.
Twins run in my husband's family. I took clomid. I don't want to know the odds but I am terrified of dropping more than one egg or having one split, or - god forbid - both. I would probably carry a twin pregnancy, although I would be utterly terrified. But there is no way I could do triplets or more. I know my health is not up to that. But the thought of getting a reduction is so awful I can barely comprehend it. I hope this doesn't add to anyone's guilt or anxiety, but I can't fathom having to choose to end the life of a healthy embryo to save another. I can't imagine living with the guilt. I know that worrying about this is useless, I just can't seem to help it. I think about alternatives. What if I did carry 3 or 4? If something horrible happened, especially if I lost them all, I would never forgive myself. If I had a reduction, I would never forgive myself.
Apparently my way of coping with stress is to come up with even more horrible (and probably unrealistic) things to worry about. I'm going to blame it on my friend who used to always say, "It could be worse, it can always be worse."
What about you? What are you afraid of?
*PS - I do realize that clomid usually doesn't result in high-order multiples, I am just ridiculously paranoid.