Monday, May 3, 2010

Withdrawing

Last night my husband was desperate for some intimacy and I just couldn't do it. He understood, I think, but I think he is hurt. I can't bring myself to care all that much. I feel guilty for that, but I have all I can handle in my own head, I can't take care of anyone else's right now.

He said he feels that I am withdrawing into my own little world, and I said of course I am. I am the only person that thinks of Aiden all the time.

That thought keeps echoing through my mind. I am the only person on this planet that thinks of my son all day, every day. No one else is wondering right now what he would have looked like as a newborn. If he would have been born with a full head of hair like his big sister. If he would have screamed as loud as my friend's son does. If he would have had my eyes.

So of course I'm withdrawing. My little world is the only world that still has Aiden in it.

My precious, beautiful, loved baby boy. God, how I miss you, all the time.

5 comments:

  1. Jen.
    I think we were destined to meet, even if only in this virtual way. I said nearly the same thing to my therapist today, that I worry I am the only person who is still thinking of baby Hurricane. I get angry all the time that my DH will not talk about it unless I bring it up first. It is so hard to live in a world where our babies just don't exist. Please feel free to keep him alive and well in your blog and through all of us. I will never forget him along with you and know that his little life mattered.
    I hope your DH understands how much you are struggling right now.
    Please feel free to email me if you need a place to vent.
    Thinking of you and holding Aiden in my heart.

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  2. I'm sorry it's been so hard. I wish I had words to make it better. We are for you.

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  3. Oh Jen. I've had so many similar conversations with my own husband. He needs silence on the subject as much as I want to talk about her all the time. Almost as if I stopped thinking about her so much I'd lose the last little bit of her I have left? If that makes any sense at all?
    I'm sorry that your beloved, cherished little Aiden isn't in your arms and that his absence hurts so very much. xo

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  4. So sorry for your loss.
    I'm sure my hubby can sympathize with your hubby - he hasn't been getting much action of late either.

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  5. I can relate to this all to well. I feel consumed by my thoughts of what if all day, every day.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers. (((HUGS)))

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