I just did something stupid, that I knew was stupid, out of morbid curiosity.
After we were told that something was really wrong with Aiden, we were referred to the MFM specialist here. He works for the catholic hospital, but he was supposed to be the best. Our OB had already indicated that Aiden's problems were incompatible with life. She assumed he had trisomy 13 or 18. She told us that even though the hospital was catholic, they would allow an early induction (before viability) if the ethics board agreed that the baby had no chance for survival.
We knew before going to the specialist that there was no real hope that Aiden could survive. We knew if he made it full term he had numerous surgeries in his future with no hope of life without constant care. It broke our hearts, but we thought it would be better to spare him pain. All we really wanted to know from the specialist was what exactly had gone wrong and if the ethics board would okay an induction.
The specialist was a horribly insensitive ass. He wouldn't answer any of our questions. He was obviously pro-life (anti-choice). When we asked him if the ethics board would consider Aiden's problems lethal he looked horrified and told us the they would not look at his case. He wouldn't even offer to try. We didn't have the answers at that point but trisomy 13 or 18 were still the most likely. When we asked what to do now, he said "just wait." He didn't elaborate on that, didn't say Aiden wouldn't make it full term, didn't say what we would do if he did. He gave me the blog address of one of his patients that had a boy with trisomy 13. When we asked what had happened to him, the doctor only said that his parents celebrated his life. I never went to that blog until today. I really wish I hadn't. I stumbled across the paper while cleaning and checked out their story. Now I am so angry.
I'm angry at how the doctor treated us. He didn't care that we wanted the best for our baby, just that our wishes didn't mesh with his values. I'm irrationally angry at those parents. They KNEW their baby would die soon after birth. They KNEW no one would force them to permit multiple surgeries. They KNEW that their son wouldn't suffer after being born. He died of heart failure, which I know is not a very painful way to go.
But Aiden would have suffered. He was already paralyzed in the womb. His poor little brain was being squeezed into his spinal cord. He probably couldn't swallow, or breath on his own. He would have suffocated, or he would have been born well enough to go through surgery for the spina bifida, cleft lip and palate, and heart defects. Only to be a paralyzed vegetable for the rest of his life. Those other parents got forty peaceful minutes with their baby. I got a day old dead fetus who's skin was starting to slough off. I hate them. I don't even know them and I hate them. I would have given anything for what they had and that asshole doctor denied me that chance because he thinks everyone should conform to his beliefs.
If anyone, ever again, tells me that "choosing life" is the only moral thing to do, I think I will be in jail shortly thereafter. I lost my baby. Isn't it enough? Do I have to be vilified by people that don't know me or my story? Every day I have to drive by the baptist church we live behind. They have a field of crosses and a huge sign that says "Everyday in the US X number of babies die BY CHOICE"
Yeah, well fuck you. Sometimes there is no choice.