My husband and I took this Friday and the following Monday off so we could do something for Aiden's due date. I decided I wanted to go camping on the water before the oil gets here and ruins everything. So mother's day and Monday I will be fishing, swimming, and canoeing. I haven't been all that upset this week, but today proves that I'm not far from the edge even if I feel okay.
We took Kira for her four year old checkup today and she was due for several shots. It was a total of 3 shots with 8 separate vaccines. She had a bad reaction at four months to multiple vaccines so I insisted that they split them up. So she got 2 shots for a total of 4 vaccines. As we were leaving I realized I needed something signed so I told Sean to let Kira play in the waiting area. When I got back and we got ready to leave he asked me what was wrong with her face. At first it looked like she had a couple of mosquito bites but when I moved her hair I realized she had hives all over her face. Her face was also starting to swell. I panicked. I scooped her up and yelled at the nurse that we needed the doctor and ran back into the back. The doctor checked her out and the reaction was pretty mild - no trouble breathing or worrisome swelling. He gave her benadryl and had us wait 30 minutes to make sure she was fine. She was fine, but I had to spend that entire 30 minutes convincing myself that she was not dying. I just completely lost it. I was holding myself tightly and trying hard not to sob hysterically.
I spend a crazy amount of time thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to Kira. I don't know if I could have gotten through losing Aiden without her. I know I wouldn't survive losing her. I'm so freaking terrified of losing her that a slight rash made me completely lose my shit. I realize this is pretty much normal, but it doesn't help the fear one little bit. I feel too lucky - too blessed, and I worry constantly that one day the universe will realize I don't deserve it and take it away. Obviously I am not as okay as I think I am.
I will eventually be able to function like a normal person, right?