Friday, May 7, 2010

Doing okay in some ways, not in others

My husband and I took this Friday and the following Monday off so we could do something for Aiden's due date. I decided I wanted to go camping on the water before the oil gets here and ruins everything. So mother's day and Monday I will be fishing, swimming, and canoeing. I haven't been all that upset this week, but today proves that I'm not far from the edge even if I feel okay.

We took Kira for her four year old checkup today and she was due for several shots. It was a total of 3 shots with 8 separate vaccines. She had a bad reaction at four months to multiple vaccines so I insisted that they split them up. So she got 2 shots for a total of 4 vaccines. As we were leaving I realized I needed something signed so I told Sean to let Kira play in the waiting area. When I got back and we got ready to leave he asked me what was wrong with her face. At first it looked like she had a couple of mosquito bites but when I moved her hair I realized she had hives all over her face. Her face was also starting to swell. I panicked. I scooped her up and yelled at the nurse that we needed the doctor and ran back into the back. The doctor checked her out and the reaction was pretty mild - no trouble breathing or worrisome swelling. He gave her benadryl and had us wait 30 minutes to make sure she was fine. She was fine, but I had to spend that entire 30 minutes convincing myself that she was not dying. I just completely lost it. I was holding myself tightly and trying hard not to sob hysterically.

I spend a crazy amount of time thinking about all the terrible things that could happen to Kira. I don't know if I could have gotten through losing Aiden without her. I know I wouldn't survive losing her. I'm so freaking terrified of losing her that a slight rash made me completely lose my shit. I realize this is pretty much normal, but it doesn't help the fear one little bit. I feel too lucky - too blessed, and I worry constantly that one day the universe will realize I don't deserve it and take it away. Obviously I am not as okay as I think I am.


I will eventually be able to function like a normal person, right?


  1. Jen.
    I am so relieved that Kira is ok and totally understand your freak out. After what you lived through, how do you even know what is normal anymore.
    I am thinking of you this weekend and celebrating both you as a mother and what should have been Aiden coming into the world. I am glad you guys find a way to mark the day.
    My thoughts are with you.....

  2. Sounds really scary. I would have been terrified too. I'm so glad she's OK. Thinking of you this weekend x

  3. I'm glad Kira has recovered. That must have been terrifying. I seem to vacillate between wildly being over protective and deadly calm resignation that I can't save her, I can't protect her. I can stop her touching the radiator or falling down the stairs to some extent but I can't protect her from illness or random accidents. It is terrifying when you REALLY know how little you can protect your children from.
    Thinking of you over the coming days as you mark Aiden's due date. xo

  4. That would completely freak me out as well and I would have done the exact same thing. Hang in there.

  5. I think that ANY mother would do what you did; it seems normal to me.

    I'm thinking of you, though, this weekend. *hug* It's hard enough without it being Mother's Day.

  6. I hope so. I often wonder if I will ever function like a normal person. How do you go back to a normal state after experiencing the type of trauma that we've experienced. The fact that we've already been on the wrong side of statistics makes us realize that things can happen...and sometimes they actually do happen.

    Also, thank you so much for the link and the acknowledgement of me as a mother for Mother's Day. I wish I had checked my blog yesterday as you were the only one (besides my husband) who said anything kind or acknowledged me on Mother's Day.

  7. Thanks, everyone. Kira is fine now - man am I glad I made them split up the shots. I still feel like I overreacted but it's comforting to know none of you think I did. Hopefully this hyper-vigilance will fade in time. I don't want to be a crazy mom that can't let go. I hope everyone made it through Mother's day okay.