Wednesday, May 26, 2010

bad news all around

First, I am very saddened by two new losses this week. My wonderful friend, Kelly, who has been such a rock for me during the worst part of my life, had another in a long string of chemical pregnancies this week. She was treated horribly by the ER staff here and I am angry for her. I am also heartbroken that Ali at I am a Mommy also just suffered a miscarriage. She deserves some goodness in her life; please go give her a hug. This has been a horrible week for those I care about. A couple of my online friends are having serious problems related to IF and loss, and I am so frustrated that I can’t help. If anyone has a voodoo doll, would you please dress it up as a guy and shake some sense into it? Maybe then certain people’s husbands will act like reasonable people towards their grieving wives.

The oil spill is all anyone can talk about here and Leslie asked me for an update so I will fill you in on what I know, which is very little. The agency I work for is ostensibly in charge of the response in this state but so far not much is being done. We haven’t had any oil reach our shores yet so there really isn’t much anyone can do, but what frustrates me is the lack of information and the feet dragging. We get an email update everyday on the oil spill. Everyone (meaning the public) knew as soon as that siphon pipe was inserted that the spill was much larger than British Polluter said it was. They were pulling out 5,000 gallons a day from their pipe without an appreciable difference in the overall plume. Since 5,000 barrels is what they originally said was the entire spill, they obviously underplayed the amount. Scientific estimates put the rate at 10 or 20 times what BP originally said, making this the worst manmade disaster in US history. Our emails continued to say 5,000 barrels a day until today. Now it says at least 5,000. We are supposed to be protecting the environment, dammit! Not BP. So why are we (my agency) not being honest with the public?

I am at the very bottom rung of this agency with the job I have. I only started last August. I am not privy to executive decisions and no one consults me on my opinion. I wouldn’t expect to be anything but peripherally involved in this, but the scary thing is that the biologists with 20+ years experience with environmental disasters are just as in the dark as I am. We were all told to go to training put on by BP but not what the training was for. Turns out it was just to give us the credentials we needed to enter a secured clean-up area. No one has any idea of how or where to get trained to rescue wildlife or help in remediation. It’s really damn frustrating watching this all unfold and being so utterly helpless to do anything.

We are having affects; they are just intangible at the moment. Our tourist industry has tanked and that will have wide, wide ripples for a very long time. Fishing tournaments and festivals are being cancelled and the numbers of unemployed are starting to rise sharply. It is going to be a long, hard, miserable summer for most people here. Our economy depends on tourism; we will not survive this intact. I am so grateful I have a job in pollution management right now, otherwise I would be unemployed. Although my conscience is objecting to working for the people that are trying to help the polluters keep their profits. The thing that keeps me going is that the people I work closely with care, it’s just the upper management that don’t.

On the reproductive note, I have just started my first tww post-loss and I am trying hard to stay sane. I debated fiercely on whether to wait or not, and in the end just closed my eyes and jumped. Now, of course, I am second guessing myself and thinking I should have waited for my back to be better. If I get pregnant and it doesn’t relieve the sciatic pain like it has before, I am really screwed. I keep catching myself just assuming I’m going to be pregnant in two weeks because it worked that way last time. I know I’m going to be crushed if I’m not but I can’t seem to keep from hoping for and expecting the best. I’m sure I’ll change my mind a thousand times, but I told my husband this was it. If this round of clomid doesn’t work, I’m not trying anything else. I already called and requested an adoption packet from the local foster adoption agency. They said they would work with parents who are trying to get pregnant. My plan (for now) is to pretend I am not trying to get pregnant (HA!), go ahead with the adoption classes, and pretend I am having sex for fun. Hopefully by the end of the year we will have completed the classes and home study and either gotten pregnant or decided for sure to adopt. I made this plan with the understanding that I am free to change my mind and go back to obsessive charting at any time. Of course, this plan is assuming that this round of clomid won’t work, which I am assuming it will, because I am crazy and a glutton for punishment.

Side note: my ovaries HURT! Has anyone else had this with clomid? I’m on the lowest dose and this happened last time, but I swear it feels like I am pushing out all of my eggs at once. I am a little freaked out that I’m going to be the next octomom*.

Oh no! I just saw Misfit Mrs’s post. What the hell is going on this week? Fuck! Please go give her a hug too.

*Just so no one gets upset that I am being flip about getting a bunch of babies - if I were to have a multiple gestation I am sure they would all die, that is why I'm terrified of it. Surviving large order multiples are very, very rare.


  1. jen.
    Wishing you the best of luck in your 2ww, I know that is not easy an easy time especially with all you have been through. Very exciting about the adoption classes, it must be nice to have a back up plan just in case.
    I love the voodoo doll idea and personally am in serious need of one. thank you, as always, for all your support and concern.
    As for clomid, I HATE that drug. It just does bad things. I have found that any stim med will make your ovaries sore and swollen. I have felt before like they my ovaries were trying to crawl out of my body through my back, sooo painful. I hope you feel better soon.
    Keep us posted on the oil spill, everytime I see it on tv I feel sick to my stomach. what a mess...

  2. I've taken clomid for 6 cycles now (nearing the end) and sometimes I had lots of discomfort with an ultrasound that showed 2-3 follies, and other times NO discomfort with an ultrasound showing a 55mm (yes you read that right) cyst and 2-3 follies. So who the hell knows. I also sometimes have pain on my right side, where they can NEVER find an ovary.

    Regarding the oil spill. My dad is a landscape ecologist and his opinion is that this is going to have ramifications that will out live any of us by a long long time. This is so sad. I was actually listening to NPR and they were discussing the spill and it was making me tear up. I don't want a crappy environement for my kid.

  3. I am apalled at the oil spill and am really glad to get your perspecitve. Fun fact, I studied environmental engineering not realizing that I really ought to have studied envionmental science. Thanks for the kind words. I'll hop along to your other pals here as well.

  4. i can't even think about the oil spill at the minute. too much negative going on and if i let myself dwell on that, well, i won't be getting any better. i can't imagine how horrendous it must be for you, having to think about it all the time because of where you live and your job.

    i have my fingers crossed for you that this round does indeed work. but i'm glad you've got a plan B that you're happy about.

    hugs xx