Monday, March 29, 2010

Trying again

My preconception appointment with the MF specialist is Thursday. I'm terrified. Terrified he will dismiss my fears like my husband does, terrified he will find something even worse, terrified of trying again.

Everytime I think about being pregnant I get short of breath and my chest hurts. I suspect that I will start having anxiety attacks if I do get pregnant. I will have to remember to add that to my list of questions.

I still don't know if I want to do this. Can't I just skip the 9 months of sheer terror and get a healthy baby? I'd give up feeling the kicking and even being able to nurse for that. I wish I could afford an infant adoption.

This week is going to be really fucking hard to get through and I can't even imagine how hard the two week waits will be now. I've never been so scared, not even when I knew Aiden was dying. Everyone is right, the anticipation is way worse than the event. I just wish I could convince my heart of that.


  1. Jen.
    I cannot even imagine how terrifying this all is. I hope you get some answers and that they take your concerns seriously at your appointmnet this week.
    Thinking of you.

  2. Yeah, I know what you are going through. Every time I get my period, I am a little relieved because I know that at least I am not carrying a doomed baby. For me, my miscarriage was pretty early on so the ectopic was worse. While most women get 'mind fetuses' during their 2ww, I always get 'phantom ectopics'. Like, I imagine lateral abdominal pain... Ugh.

  3. thinking of you.

    i hope the specialist takes your fears seriously.

  4. I will not will be horrible anxiety...the gasping for air, tightened chest, holy shit is this really happening right now kind of anxiety. Pure torture if you ask me....but after being so numb I guess it reminded me that I could still feel something. Who knows..maybe it prepared me to love the little one growing inside...I just couldn't connect with her until after 20 weeks. But slowly the anxiety attacks became non-existent and this earth shattering love poured in for her.
    Please call,text or email anytime you want to talk! Let me know how that appt goes :)