My preconception appointment with the MF specialist is Thursday. I'm terrified. Terrified he will dismiss my fears like my husband does, terrified he will find something even worse, terrified of trying again.
Everytime I think about being pregnant I get short of breath and my chest hurts. I suspect that I will start having anxiety attacks if I do get pregnant. I will have to remember to add that to my list of questions.
I still don't know if I want to do this. Can't I just skip the 9 months of sheer terror and get a healthy baby? I'd give up feeling the kicking and even being able to nurse for that. I wish I could afford an infant adoption.
This week is going to be really fucking hard to get through and I can't even imagine how hard the two week waits will be now. I've never been so scared, not even when I knew Aiden was dying. Everyone is right, the anticipation is way worse than the event. I just wish I could convince my heart of that.