Thursday, March 11, 2010

Not sure what I want

I work in the same building as the local Department of Children and Families. Right after I lost Aiden they started putting up easels in the lobby with pictures of children available for adoption from the foster care system. One picture has haunted me. It is a picture of a 3 year old boy with dark hair and the happiest smile on his face. He has braces on his legs and uses a walker. Fresh from my loss it made me think that my son may have looked like that if he hadn't been so severely affected. Over the last month it has changed.

I want to take that little boy home. I want to help him learn to navigate a world that is less than friendly to people with disabilities. He probably has a decent foster home, but I want him to have a permanent home.

I'm sure a lot of this comes from not being able to mother Aiden. I just wish I knew how much. I suffer from infertility and chronic pain from a car accident. It is hard for me to get pregnant and agony to be pregnant. This last pregnancy I only tried because I thought we would not qualify for adoption. This has added to my guilt because if I had not been misinformed, I may never have gotten pregnant.

So I was already thinking, strongly, about adoption before this loss. Now I am torn. I want to bring that little boy home, but I still want a baby. I could probably do both if I was willing to wait for one or the other, but I feel like time is against me. I am getting older and my fertility is already bad. I may only have another year or two to get pregnant. If I wait for adoption that specific child may be gone, but there will always be more.

I don't even know if I could adopt that little boy. He obviously has some severe physical disabilities but I don't know if he has mental disabilities or developmental delays. We can handle physical problems and mild developmental problems, but I think severe developmental issues or behavioral issues will be beyond our ability to handle. With my overall health I don't want to adopt a child that needs intensive life-long care. I'm afraid I won't be capable of it in another 20 years and will have to abandon them. I also have to think of my daughter and her safety and emotional well being.

I can't get more specific information on that child until I complete the classes and background checks. I am thinking about doing all that and deciding later if I want to try another pregnancy or not. Taking the classes may keep me busy while we wait the recommended 6 months to try again.

Damn, I wish someone would invent that crystal ball. I so want someone to just tell me what to do so I don't have to make the decision.


  1. Wow, Jen. You are an utterly amazing person.

    It sounds like such a tough decision, and obviously one that needs to come from the heart (and not the glib advice of your blog sisters). That said, I feel like I really want you and this little boy to find each other.

    And anyways, the classes do sound like they will be a really good distraction for you while you make up your mind.

  2. I feel like if you are thinking about this child and this adoption this much, it's worth it to look further into the classes. And I promise, that's not glib advice :) I say that because it's hard to be in the position your are in, it's hard to know what to do. I think taking the classes might clarify things a bit...maybe?