I work in the same building as the local Department of Children and Families. Right after I lost Aiden they started putting up easels in the lobby with pictures of children available for adoption from the foster care system. One picture has haunted me. It is a picture of a 3 year old boy with dark hair and the happiest smile on his face. He has braces on his legs and uses a walker. Fresh from my loss it made me think that my son may have looked like that if he hadn't been so severely affected. Over the last month it has changed.
I want to take that little boy home. I want to help him learn to navigate a world that is less than friendly to people with disabilities. He probably has a decent foster home, but I want him to have a permanent home.
I'm sure a lot of this comes from not being able to mother Aiden. I just wish I knew how much. I suffer from infertility and chronic pain from a car accident. It is hard for me to get pregnant and agony to be pregnant. This last pregnancy I only tried because I thought we would not qualify for adoption. This has added to my guilt because if I had not been misinformed, I may never have gotten pregnant.
So I was already thinking, strongly, about adoption before this loss. Now I am torn. I want to bring that little boy home, but I still want a baby. I could probably do both if I was willing to wait for one or the other, but I feel like time is against me. I am getting older and my fertility is already bad. I may only have another year or two to get pregnant. If I wait for adoption that specific child may be gone, but there will always be more.
I don't even know if I could adopt that little boy. He obviously has some severe physical disabilities but I don't know if he has mental disabilities or developmental delays. We can handle physical problems and mild developmental problems, but I think severe developmental issues or behavioral issues will be beyond our ability to handle. With my overall health I don't want to adopt a child that needs intensive life-long care. I'm afraid I won't be capable of it in another 20 years and will have to abandon them. I also have to think of my daughter and her safety and emotional well being.
I can't get more specific information on that child until I complete the classes and background checks. I am thinking about doing all that and deciding later if I want to try another pregnancy or not. Taking the classes may keep me busy while we wait the recommended 6 months to try again.
Damn, I wish someone would invent that crystal ball. I so want someone to just tell me what to do so I don't have to make the decision.