Tuesday, March 30, 2010

That Bitch

I don't use that word lightly. As a woman in a male field the word makes me cringe. It is usually used by misogynistic men to degrade women. When women use it, most people think, "cat fight!" and get excited.

But in this case, no other word suffices. If you are not fond of cursing, I suggest you stop reading. I have a whole lot of ugly anger and grief to dump today and I'm not going to watch where it falls. I can't. I am done protecting people. I am done being a doormat. I am fucking done.

I have a coworker that has the office next to mine. She is 50ish, unhappy, and sticks her nose into everyone else's business. No one in the entire building can stand her so I know I'm not the only one that doesn't like her. Until recently she was just irritating. I pride myself on getting along with nearly everyone, but there is always someone that makes being nice impossible. I thought my grief would give me a buffer zone for her BS, but no. She is the acid on the open wound (trust me - a little HCl hurts a lot more than salt or lemon juice).

Today she complained to me, again, about errors in the data entry. There are several people entering data but she seems to think the errors were mine. She told me to try not to let my mind wander while I was doing data entry. About 3 minutes into this lecture (mind you - she is NOT my supervisor, nor anyone's for that matter) I said, "Cheryl, do you realize it has not even been three months since my baby died? I'm not having the easiest time right now." I could not keep from choking up when I said that and tears started pouring down my face. She said, "I know it's been hard for you, but that's what I mean by not letting your mind wander." I told her that only one person said they were sorry when I came back to work and I've tried to ignore that. I was going to say that what she was doing was much worse when she interrupted me to say that everyone was told I didn't want the baby brought up. It's possible the co-worker I spoke to said that, but I doubt it. That was probably her interpretation. Which, fine, whatever. If you are uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say I can handle that. What I can't, and won't handle is being lectured about petty shit by a fucking busybody know-it-all when I am obviously upset.

That bitch would not stop telling me I had to "not let my mind wander" while I was working, even after I started crying. Really? So I'm supposed to turn off that fucking movie in my head of a dead baby, a dead baby, oh look - it's a dead baby. A dead baby that I had to PAY a doctor to kill. I dead baby that was so deformed the only perfect part was his feet. A dead baby that has a FUCKING NAME and I loved very much and I want with me with every fiber of my being? That one? Well tell me how, you heartless bitch, I would love to know. Cause you know what? That movie is hell. Every. Single. Day. And lucky you, you don't know what it's like. Lucky you that you don't have to wonder if your body killed your only son. Lucky you that you can go to sleep at night and not have nightmares of religious maniacs calling you a murderer. Or worse, dream of a perfect and sweet little boy THAT WILL NEVER EXIST.

She tried to apologize, but it didn't mean much because she continued to harp on about the stupid errors. I left work in hysterical tears. It was like a damn broke and everything I try to hide and not think about at work came flooding out. I sobbed loudly all the way to my car (people looked away from me) and when I got to my car I started choking and nearly vomited from sobbing so hard. That is the hardest I've cried ever. I now have a migraine and periodic bouts of intense sobbing and outright wailing. I guess I have not been letting myself feel things for it to be this intense. But Jesus! I'm not crazy that what she did was horrible, am I?

I wrote an email to our mutual supervisor and told him we had an issue and I needed a couple of days off to calm down. I won't fucking get paid for the bitch upsetting me, but I can't go back until I get some perspective or I might throw something at her. I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow and tell him the whole story. I am hoping that he can tell her to send any future complaints through him and I am going to ask if I can move my office.

I think my reaction was a little out of proportion to what she did, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable in bringing it up with my boss. I don't really give a damn if I get her in trouble. I also don't give a damn if she can't stand me after this. Maybe then she will shut the hell up around me. It is time to protect me. I am not going to apologize to her for falling apart and I am not going to accept her apology. If any of you knew me IRL you would know this is a radical personality shift.

I would welcome any creative curses I can scream while beating my dammit doll (Thank you, Kelly!).

What would you have done? How can I tell my boss what this did to me so that he understands?

7 comments:

  1. A, I think you can get paid for this time off if you see an occupational therapist. B, You are definitely doing the right thing in going to your boss right away (before SHE does). C, yes she is a total whore and should be flayed alive.
    I've worked with people like that, and I know what you are saying. It isn't this one incident, it is an entire attitude that you've just suddenly had it up to HERE with. I've been there. Be strong!! Tell your boss, for sure. Not just about the one incident, but about how awful she has been in general. Not that she deserves to be fired or anything, but it will feel really great to know that people are on your side. As they should be.
    oh yeah, and D: There are ALWAYS errors in data entry, no matter who does it or how carefully. That's WHY people pay stupid bitches like her to check for the (inevitable) errors. She doesn't even know what the whole point of her job is, stupid cow!!!

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  2. jeeeesus.

    she was totally out of order.

    it breaks my heart that you have to deal with dreams like that. never mind people like that.

    i hope leslie is right and that you get paid.

    hugs. thinking of you as always. xxx

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  3. Oh no. Oh my dear. What an unspeakable woman. 'Not let your mind wander' indeed. I would have kicked her in the shin and I'm not the shin kicking kind. How's that for unreasonable?

    Leslie is right, there are ALWAYS errors in data entry. It comes with there being data. Errors and data go together like ham and eggs. Believe me, I've seen many, many datasets in my time! It is hard to be concerned about such pettiness on an average day, let alone days like these.

    Personally, I would have cried. Probably cried in front of her and anyone else who happened to be around. I think you did the right thing (and the professional thing) and it is far more graceful to just take out of this woman's way for a few days. To do that, you had to inform your boss.

    You tried to politely and gently explain to her why her comments were upsetting and hurtful and she chose to ignore you. I'm sure if you offer the same explanation to your boss he will see things your way. What else could you do?

    Hang on in there. I hope you enjoy a few days respite from this colleague of yours who is obviously a nasty and insensitive piece of work. xo

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  4. I don't think your reaction was out of proportion at all. Her words were completely UnAcceptable.
    You had every right to cry and to leave and to tell your boss.
    I'm so very sorry that this happened to you, the pain must be terrible. Please take care of yourself and stand-up for you.

    PS. I am I dirty/curse word queen. I have been filthy, disgusting combos you can use while beating your damnit doll.. however, I am too ashamed to write them here. Email me at notpregnantjust@gmail.com, if you want and I'll give you a list. :)

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  5. Oh for the love of Pete! What a bee-atch! I have no advice but I wish I could just give you a hug... and her a swift kick in the bum!

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  6. I am in total shock. What is wrong with some people??!! I am so sorry you work with such insensitive idiots. I hope your boss manages the situation a bit better and that a few days off does you some good.

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  7. She's a bitch. Plain and simple. And it doesn't help that everything is worse when you are grieving. People who have never lost what we have don't get that. 3 months after the boys died I lost it in a CVS because the pharmacist was being an ass about an antibotic that I needed for a reoccuring UTI. Eventhough the doctor called in the brand name, he gave me the generic because it was cheaper. When I told him I was allergic to the stablizer in the generic, he told me "well, I guess you don't get your medicine, do you?" Yes, he was an ass but my reaction was totally off the charts because I was grieving. Everything is ten times worse because the worst thing in the world has happened to you and you can't wear a t-shirt that says "Please TRY and be nice to me, my baby died." I'm so sorry she was so awful to you and I hope you get some rest on your day off.

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