I don't use that word lightly. As a woman in a male field the word makes me cringe. It is usually used by misogynistic men to degrade women. When women use it, most people think, "cat fight!" and get excited.
But in this case, no other word suffices. If you are not fond of cursing, I suggest you stop reading. I have a whole lot of ugly anger and grief to dump today and I'm not going to watch where it falls. I can't. I am done protecting people. I am done being a doormat. I am fucking done.
I have a coworker that has the office next to mine. She is 50ish, unhappy, and sticks her nose into everyone else's business. No one in the entire building can stand her so I know I'm not the only one that doesn't like her. Until recently she was just irritating. I pride myself on getting along with nearly everyone, but there is always someone that makes being nice impossible. I thought my grief would give me a buffer zone for her BS, but no. She is the acid on the open wound (trust me - a little HCl hurts a lot more than salt or lemon juice).
Today she complained to me, again, about errors in the data entry. There are several people entering data but she seems to think the errors were mine. She told me to try not to let my mind wander while I was doing data entry. About 3 minutes into this lecture (mind you - she is NOT my supervisor, nor anyone's for that matter) I said, "Cheryl, do you realize it has not even been three months since my baby died? I'm not having the easiest time right now." I could not keep from choking up when I said that and tears started pouring down my face. She said, "I know it's been hard for you, but that's what I mean by not letting your mind wander." I told her that only one person said they were sorry when I came back to work and I've tried to ignore that. I was going to say that what she was doing was much worse when she interrupted me to say that everyone was told I didn't want the baby brought up. It's possible the co-worker I spoke to said that, but I doubt it. That was probably her interpretation. Which, fine, whatever. If you are uncomfortable with death and don't know what to say I can handle that. What I can't, and won't handle is being lectured about petty shit by a fucking busybody know-it-all when I am obviously upset.
That bitch would not stop telling me I had to "not let my mind wander" while I was working, even after I started crying. Really? So I'm supposed to turn off that fucking movie in my head of a dead baby, a dead baby, oh look - it's a dead baby. A dead baby that I had to PAY a doctor to kill. I dead baby that was so deformed the only perfect part was his feet. A dead baby that has a FUCKING NAME and I loved very much and I want with me with every fiber of my being? That one? Well tell me how, you heartless bitch, I would love to know. Cause you know what? That movie is hell. Every. Single. Day. And lucky you, you don't know what it's like. Lucky you that you don't have to wonder if your body killed your only son. Lucky you that you can go to sleep at night and not have nightmares of religious maniacs calling you a murderer. Or worse, dream of a perfect and sweet little boy THAT WILL NEVER EXIST.
She tried to apologize, but it didn't mean much because she continued to harp on about the stupid errors. I left work in hysterical tears. It was like a damn broke and everything I try to hide and not think about at work came flooding out. I sobbed loudly all the way to my car (people looked away from me) and when I got to my car I started choking and nearly vomited from sobbing so hard. That is the hardest I've cried ever. I now have a migraine and periodic bouts of intense sobbing and outright wailing. I guess I have not been letting myself feel things for it to be this intense. But Jesus! I'm not crazy that what she did was horrible, am I?
I wrote an email to our mutual supervisor and told him we had an issue and I needed a couple of days off to calm down. I won't fucking get paid for the bitch upsetting me, but I can't go back until I get some perspective or I might throw something at her. I am going to talk to my boss tomorrow and tell him the whole story. I am hoping that he can tell her to send any future complaints through him and I am going to ask if I can move my office.
I think my reaction was a little out of proportion to what she did, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable in bringing it up with my boss. I don't really give a damn if I get her in trouble. I also don't give a damn if she can't stand me after this. Maybe then she will shut the hell up around me. It is time to protect me. I am not going to apologize to her for falling apart and I am not going to accept her apology. If any of you knew me IRL you would know this is a radical personality shift.
I would welcome any creative curses I can scream while beating my dammit doll (Thank you, Kelly!).
What would you have done? How can I tell my boss what this did to me so that he understands?