Thanks for all the supporting comments. I did realize after a few hours that we did the best we could with the information we had. I am kind of angry that Kira's pediatrician never said anything. Yes, she is fine, but given the possibility that she had an open spinal chord, they should have warned me it could happen again.
A big part of my freak out is the possibility of a complicated pregnancy. I already have a lot of problems with my chronic pain and contractions. I am scared of being on blood thinners and all the complications that might cause.
I really, really want to have a successful pregnancy and hold another newborn, but I'm not sure a complicated pregnancy is worth it for me. Giving up on that plan is going to be terribly hard.
I also am sick to death of doctors and tests and missing work. I don't want to explain to my boss why I am still needing so much time off.
Someone recently said that birthing and holding a dead baby is the highlight of the experience, it is all the things that follow that are so very hard. I can so see where she was coming from. I want this to end. I want to get on with my life and mourn my son without all the questions and maybes and what ifs.
This past week has just sucked.