Monday, March 8, 2010

cd3, four days late. with cupcakes.

I started bleeding sometime on Saturday night. The day after my birthday while on a disastrous camping trip (the first with our daughter). When I got home I still had one cupcake left. One yummy cupcake to go with my motrin and darvocet and vodka and cranberry.

It didn't make me feel much better. This is the first cycle since Aiden was concieved. It's like an extra sucker punch to the gut, a reminder I didn't need that there is no baby. The day after my birthday, when I should have been too big to go camping.

I am crippled with pain today. The endometriosis has reared its ugly head. I can't stand up straight and had to call into work. The last time I hurt this bad I was trapped in nightmares of being raped. I made my husband wake me up several times last night because I was scared of that happening again.

I am disturbed that this was an 18 day luteal phase. That has never happened before and makes me wonder what new fucked up cycles I am in store for now.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I miss my poor little son. I just don't want to get up today. I'm angry and sad that this hurts more than giving birth to a 10 ounce baby did.

Fuck you, body. I don't want you anymore.

4 comments:

  1. i'm so sorry.
    it's not fair that you are having to cope with all this.
    i'm thinking of you honey x

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  2. I hear you. It sounds awful and agonizing and just shit in every way.

    Sending love x

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  3. I definitely hear you, too.

    I am sure my luteal phase has been out of whack since my last loss, too.

    Not sure if it helps you to know that or not...

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  4. Oh I'm so sorry. This sounds so painful in every way imaginable. I hope that the cupcakes and accompaniments helped a little.

    Sometimes I wish my body would just piss off too. xo

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