It took me awhile to figure this out. At first I thought it was because I already have a living daughter, and so I am vastly luckier than so many women. But gradually I have realized that there is a lot more to it.
I didn't go into either of my pregnancies with that carefree, decorate the nursery the minute you get a BFP, happy-go-lucky newly pregnant hopefulness. I knew how horribly wrong things could go. My sister-in-law had lost both her twins to twin-to-twin transfusion at 8 months. A friend from college had lost a son withing a few days of birth. My best friend's sister lost her little girl to medical incompetence at 8 days old. A good friend lost her beautiful 2 year old to tainted spinach. I was not supremely confidant that those things would not happen to me. I never had the sense that because it happened to someone I knew, that it couldn't happen to me.
Of course, I had no idea that this particular horribleness could happen to me, but I guess I can't say I was shocked. So when I see a pregnant woman or a mother with a new baby, it makes me sad, but it doesn't make me envious.
After Aiden was dead and before I was induced, I had to interact with people. I was kind of numb so it wasn't hard to pretend to be normal. I can't help but think that the woman in the grocery store could be carrying her dead twin, like the very brave Eve, or the woman with the new baby could be thanking God every day that she got to take one home this time. I also think, they may lose that at any time, and I hope that they don't.
I really, really don't mean this as a judgement for people that can't stand the sight of pregnant women and babies. I totally understand that thought process. When I was struggling to get pregnant I experienced a little of the envy. But I know that envy is like hate - it only really hurts the person feeling it. I kind of hoped my perspective might help someone that is being too hard on themselves. And, since this is my blog, I am writing to clarify my thoughts.
Today was surprisingly easy, one month was harder. At times I'm sad that I'm not more sad - as neurotic as that is. I'm scared to move on, and I'm eager to move on. I think I should just resign myself to complex, contradictory emotions from now on.