Monday, July 5, 2010

Breathing

My heart, she is still breathing. But dear god, we had a rough day. Kira was worse this morning. Her fever was higher and she was getting dehydrated and lethargic. Motrin and Tylenol have been knocking the fever down but it never stays down. I decided it was time for the ER. They had to torture her for over an HOUR to get enough blood for the tests they needed. After all that they found nothing. She may have an ear infection - her ears and throat were pretty red. I really hope that is it, because if this is a virus then the antibiotic will do nothing and she may not get better. I had to leave the room when they did the chest x-ray because I could be pregnant. I stood in the hallway, listening to her begging for me and to go home, and sobbed. She could not understand why we were hurting her so badly. After she wore herself out screaming and fighting she fell asleep sobbing in my arms, begging to go home in this hopeless little voice. I really have no idea how my husband's best friend dealt with her 3 year old son's leukemia, I really don't. I barely held it together today and she wasn't even admitted. I called my sister (a doctor) in hysterics. Not because I thought Kira was about to die of some rare disease, but because I just could not handle watching her go through that. Putting her through that. This is our fist hospital experience since Aiden died and apparently I am going to have issues with that for awhile. And I thought getting my MRI was tough.

I am typing this in the dark in my bedroom, listening to Kira's snoring, waiting for pauses. We tried to put her to bed 3 hours ago but she keeps waking up sobbing. That probably has something to do with her parents allowing strangers to stab her with needles over and over again. I finally put her in our bed for the night. I'm glad she's here. Even though I won't get any sleep, I will know right away she is okay. And I'll know if her fever spikes again before it gets too bad. I hate this. I want her well. I want to be able to deal with this without falling apart.

We could use some well wishes and prayers. I'm sure she'll be fine (liar) but a little positive energy directed our way couldn't hurt.

If I go back to work tomorrow it will be because she is better and I may not have a chance to post. Assume no news is good news.

10 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and your family, especially your little girl. Hoping to hear nothing and hoping she's feeling better soon.

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  2. Poor Kyra, hoping that you both feel better and get some sleep. Hang in there Jen.

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  3. I hope Kira is feeling better today. Hang in there.

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  4. Oh, I am so, so sorry. What a heartbreaking story. Poor little Kira.

    Many many good wishes and thoughts coming your way. Heal quickly little girl!!!

    If it helps, when I was three I had to have eye surgery. Back then parents weren't allowed to stay with their children, and I had to spend the night at the hospital all by myself. My mom said it absolutely broke her heart. But I don't remember it at all, and seem no worse for the wear. For whatever that story is worth...

    love, InB

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  5. What a miserable experience! I am sure Kira will be fine, and I wish you calmness and peace to get through this nasty illness of hers. She will be fine! I promise!!

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  6. I'm so sorry that Kira is so sick. Poor little girl :(

    Sending healing thoughts to Kira. Wishing you some peace.

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  7. thinking of you and kira, jen. i hope she's ok.
    xxx

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  8. I'm so sorry Jen. I've only been back to hospital with J once since she was discharged and it was awful. It is absolutely horrible watching your child go through painful procedures.

    Sending well wishes and prayers to you and to Kira. Get well soon sweet girl x

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  9. Jen, I hope and pray Kira feels better soon. I know how hard it can be dealing with the illness (big or small) of a loved one after our type of loss. From our loss we've learned firsthand the hard way that not everything works out fine the way we want it to be. Learning this changes everything. Colds turn into fears of something more, fevers are now make us think there is something more brewing, etc. It's not easy when we've been on the wrong side of statistics. I try to convince myself when things like unexpected illnesses happen that statistics have to be in our favor sometimes.

    Do whatever you need to do to help you and your little girl feel better soon.

    Hugs to the both of you.

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  10. Thanks Inbetween - that really helps.

    And thanks everyone for understanding. Kira is much, much better today. No more fever but still very cranky. I'm just so relieved the antibiotic worked.

    Catherine - I can't imagine having to take a child back after what you went through in the hospital. That must have been brutal. Here's hoping your little girl never sees the inside of a hospital again!

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