Thursday, July 1, 2010

six months

Six months ago today I finally gave up on trying to sleep around 4am. My doctor came in a little before 6 to give me another dose of cytotec. She checked my cervix first and then told me to try a little push. She didn’t tell me it was time; I thought she was just trying to see if she could feel the head when I pushed. I pushed and she told me she felt him, to push again. I did and I felt him slide out of me. It was so easy. I was nearly completely numb from the epidural but that part I felt. It didn’t hurt at all. There was just a little pressure and he was gone from me. I remember the doctor saying in a very soft voice, “I have the baby, he came out still in the placenta so we’ll get him out and cleaned up and give him to you.” I wasn’t crying. The whole thing was a little unreal. The lights were still off, the nurse and my husband didn’t say a word. I was relieved that it was over, but scared to see what my poor little boy looked like. I remember the rest of the day in bits and pieces but what gets me today is that I forgot.

I did not realize today was six months until I was trying to catch up on a friend’s blog and read her loss story. I started thinking about my experience and suddenly realized today is the first. The first day of the month that marks a time when Aiden has been gone longer than he was here. I remember thinking at the beginning of this awful journey that the dates would always be hard. The 18th when we found out he was dying, the 30th when he did die, and the 1st when he was born. But that hasn’t been the case. I don’t notice the 18th, or the 30th. I sometimes forget the 1st. Just this morning I was thinking that I am doing a lot better than I think I should be. I feel like I have forgotten my son, like he was just a dream. In part I’m glad that I’m moving on because my daughter needs me, but doesn’t my son need me too? Doesn’t he need me to remember him? I’m the only one who will. What if I fail at that too? I keep thinking that I need to write his birth story here, so I don’t forget the details. I wonder if I haven’t done it because I don’t want to remember. Am I really doing okay, or is this just denial? I’ve been so focused on trying to get pregnant again, and I went back to work so quickly, that I just feel like I am sweeping Aiden under the rug. Just minutes before I realized today was the first I was planning a light-hearted blog entry about a recipe I tried last night. How is this my life? My musings on the merits of using cheese in a recipe are interrupted by the sickening realization that I forgot my dead son. On the six month anniversary of his birth.

9 comments:

  1. I wish I could give you a giant hug right now.
    What is the right balance between remembering and moving on? I have no idea. I struggle with this same thing often. If I am too happy, if I cannot remember how many weeks pregant I should be then I am fogetting him. I know the reality is that I will never forget and I know you will not either.
    I saw a patient today who had a sister who died at the age of 6 months old (my patient was about 2 or 3). This was 28 yrs ago. Yesterday, was her sister's birthday. she told me that she got a dessert and a candle for her sister. There was something very moving and emotional about that for me. This was a baby she barely even knew, being so young when she died, but yet she has never forgotten. These are the things that become part of our history, part of who we will become, and what will shape our life.
    You are a good person. You are an even better mother to both Aiden and Kyra. You are also still in mourning and deserve to give yourself a break.
    I am sending lots of love your way. please email me if you need something. I am always here.

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  2. You didn't forget your son, you just lost track of what day today is.

    I'm so sorry you are feeling especially low right now. It's amazing how quickly a light-hearted mood can turn into feeling so bad.

    (((hugs)))

    perhaps we can see the recipe a little later

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  3. Sooooooo, you delivered him on New Year's Day? Oh crap.

    So, so sorry. It's amazing how time goes by right under our noses--our 6 month is quickly approaching--on the 9th. Well, technically the 8th.

    That's the hard part of remaining with the living--all the living there is to do, leaving little room to remember the dates. Not the baby, mind you, but where we are in all this mess.

    Hang in there. You remember him, and you always will.

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  4. I don't really notice the dates either. Not month by month anyhow.

    It's a difficult balance, remembering and forgetting. Perhaps we just need to do both at different times? x

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  5. i was trying to tell my mum the other day that although i know that i can't stay in the depths of grief forever, sometimes i feel terrible, terrible for moving on. sometimes i hate myself for being able to be even a little bit happy again.

    she doesn't get it. i'm kind of glad for her.

    it's not fair.

    sending hugs. xxxxxxxx

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  6. Hugs. I struggle with this too. It's 8 months since Matilda died today and a lot of the time I feel OK and go about my life. But then in the middle of it I'm struck with 'my baby died, how can I be enjoying my life less than a year later'.

    5 months was the last anniversary that sent me down a deep hole.

    I'm not sure how to reconcile it - the best I can come up with is what my DH says 'Matilda wouldn't want you to be sad forever'.

    Hugs.

    Maddie x

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  7. I'm so sorry for your terrible loss & the pain you are feeling. We lost our daughter 23wks into my pregnancy about a week ago, I've spent today looking through other blogs of those who have dealt with infant loss. I'm so sorry that others have felt the depth of the grief we are feeling. Thinking of you!

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  8. Thanks everyone. I've said this before but I am always comforted when I post here, thinking I am an awful person or going insane, and everyone validates how I am feeling. I wish we didn't all have to be in this place, but I couldn't ask for better company.

    Rebecca - I'm so sorry you found us, I wish you hadn't had to. You should be counting kicks right now. It's so unfair. If you need help you can always email me. Thank you for the comment.

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  9. It's almost as hard to realize that you're moving on with your life as it is to cope and accept the early days and weeks of our loss. For me, I sometimes feel an incredible amount of guilt when I notice I'm doing and being apart of things that are not associated with the loss of my babies. If I am having too much fun, enjoying being with friends, celebrating with wine and not posting on my blog, not reading other blogs, I start to feel like I'm in denial about who I really am. I don't know how to balance being a babyless mother and just a wife, a woman, a person. I almost feel like that's all I am now.

    I wish we didn't feel this guilt and pain on top of the grief associated with the loss of our babies, but I tell you, there is comfort in knowing that I'm not alone with these feelings that I am at least normal in feeling this guilt.

    Thanks for sharing. I hope that you were able to have some fond positive reflections of your son on the 1st of July.

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