Friday, January 6, 2012
My first blog award!! I'm very thrilled to get this from someone I really admire. Last Mom is someone you should be reading. She adopted an older child from foster care. Her blog is great for anyone who has adopted, or is considering adopting a child with a history of trauma. Her advice and techniques have already proved invaluable, even with my biological daughter who didn't have a history of trauma before her little brother died. I am so grateful there is someone like her out there to lead the way. I'd be much more nervous about our adoption if it weren't for her.
With this award I'm supposed to tell 7 things about myself that you (my readers) probably don't know. I'm also supposed to tag 5 other blogs. I have a long reader list filled with many wonderful women so that part will take me some time and thinking. I'll start on the seven things and then talk about all the silly things I'm worried about with the big move coming up.
1. I hate roller coasters. HATE THEM. I took my 5 year old on the flying hippogriffs at the Harry Potter park. I almost bit a hole in my lip. If they don't give me a raging headache from the jerking around, they scare the pee out of me. I can brave angry venomous snakes but can't handle a kid's ride.
2. I love to sing. I sing all the time. I often start singing and don't even realize I'm doing it. I think I have a decent voice but I'm too shy to sing in front of people unless I know them really well. I like to sing at karaoke bars but only after several drinks. My tastes in music are very diverse, there isn't much I don't like. This is serving me well with adding a teenager to the family. She really likes the pop station, which I'm not crazy about, but we enjoy enough of the same songs that we enjoy singing together.
3. When I was 4 I cut off the tip of my ear when I fell while jumping on the bed. Let that be a lesson to your children - you really will break your head. My dad worked in the hospital then and that's one of the few nice memories I have of him. They were worried that I had a concussion so while the plastic surgeon sewed my ear back together he kept lifting the drape and asking if I was awake. I remember giggling, thinking he was playing peek-a-boo.
4. I've moved so many times I can't keep track anymore. I stopped counting around 24 moves after I moved out of my parents house. That's an average of more than 1 a year. I like to see new places and I'm quick to move on when things aren't going well, but I am ready to settle down. The problem is I don't want to do it here. I'm going to have to accept that there will be more moves in my future.
5. I'm a biologist that hates to kill things. I worked on an endangered species during grad school so I didn't have to kill anything. When I collect aquatic invertebrates for my job I always get the fish and salamanders out of the sample before I add the preservative, but I feel really guilty about the bugs that get pickled. I never understood when I was young how much killing there is in science. Sometimes I think I'd be better off as a writer, but I lack the self discipline to make a living from it.
6. I love me a man in a poet shirt. Those long, billowing sleeves and ruffles at the cuff. Mmm mmm. Especially if he forgets the pants.
7. I bite the inside of my lip all the time. I guess it's a nervous habit. I don't remember when I started doing it but I never seem to notice until I have a big sore. I'm sure it's disgusting to watch and I worry that it will cause mouth cancer, but I can't seem to stop doing it.
That's my seven things! I'm weird, I know. Now on to the adoption thingie.
M is moving in next Friday. A week from today!! I'm excited, and nervous. I know she will be very scared and I'm worried I won't react the way she will need me to when that fear manifests as anger or "bad" behavior. I worry that I haven't treated her enough like a daughter to make her feel wanted. I kiss and cuddle my five year old all the time, but I've never kissed M. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just unsure if she would be okay with it. It's weird going from 5 to 14, especially when the 14 year old is bigger than me and looks 18 or 20. I can't exactly pull her into my lap and rock. We do horse around a lot, tickling and wrestling and having pillow fights. Is that enough? Should I ask her if she wants me to kiss her (maybe on the cheek)? Should I offer to let her lay her head in my lap when she is falling asleep on the couch? Her history is so vague that I just have no idea how she will react to things like that. I worry she won't want to be adopted and our little one will be devastated. I even worry I'll accidentally get pregnant (ha ha ha) and M will see that as a betrayal or think we won't want her anymore because we got what we really wanted (that's not true but I think she might see it that way). I'm not on the pill right now because it was doing crazy things. Other methods are not fool proof. I don't want to get something more long term but I really don't want to hurt the child we are promising to protect who has already been hurt so much. I'm very torn. We do still want another child and I was thinking maybe a year from now, but I do want to ask M how she feels about it first. Is that a good idea? I just don't know.
I suppose I'll do what I've always done and muddle along and see what happens. In the meantime, thanks for listening.