Sunday, January 8, 2012

Last return

If all goes as planned tonight will be the last time I have to hug my daughter and send her to another Mom's house. Move in date is this Friday!!!!

I'm nervous, not really for myself, but for M. I was so annoyed that we couldn't move her in earlier because they wanted her to finish the semester, and now I am doubly sure this was a bad idea. I could tell tonight that her anxiety is climbing. Her stomach has been hurting all weekend and seemed to get worse the closer it got to the time to go back to the foster home. I don't think she is going to be able to focus much on her finals with all the worry about this move she has on her shoulders. I did find out that she can fail one semester and still get passed on to high school. Normally I would say this was idiotic, but in her case I think it would be way too damaging to keep her back. She is already a year behind, only because she was never in school in Kindergarten. She was too busy getting shuffled back and forth from home to home.

Watching her unpack was heartbreaking. She had a scrapbook from her previous failed adoptive family. The mother used to send her cards telling her to be good and good things would come to her, and saying she should follow God's plan, as if all the crap she has been through could have been prevented if only she was good enough and Christian enough. It made me so sad for M and so angry toward that family. Before I could stop the conversation K asked M why she wasn't adopted by that family. M said she didn't really know. I wish I did. I wish I had something to tell her so she would know it wasn't her fault. The other thing that made me sad, angry, and helpless was how little she had to unpack. No beloved childhood toy, no blankie full of holes, no dolls or stuffed animals she wasn't quite old enough to let go of yet. She left her last adoptive placement with 2 small duffel bags. Her current foster parents have bought her a lot of stuff but I couldn't believe the woman who wrote cards about "God's plan" didn't send M the rest of her things after she was moved back here. I find it hard to believe they never bought her anything while she was with them. If they didn't buy/give her things, that is really just as bad. I am not by any means materialistic and no longer get attached to stuff, but I know foster kids are very deprived in material possessions and it seems pretty shitty to hang on to their stuff after kicking the kid out.

One of the things she did have was a school picture she never sent to her birth mom. When I first saw it and asked if I could hang it up I was just happy we would have photos of when she was younger. It wasn't until later that I noticed the note she wrote to her mom on the back. Poor kid. Even if it meant we couldn't keep her, I would fix her past for her if I could. I hope her future will be easier and I hope she will be okay so far from all the people she should have been with.


  1. You are so loving and caring. It is truly sad how these children are shuffled around. It breaks my heart, but you are changing one girl's life and that is AMAZING!!! I can't wait to hear when she is settled in your home for good! Good Luck and lots of prayers!

  2. heartbreaking, to say the least. M finally found the mom she deserves! I am super excited about friday for you.

  3. I could have written much of this post! Princess had a failed adoption with no explanation given of why they weren't adopting her as promised - in fact, they dropped her at her former foster home and drove away. She still won't talk about it. She came to us with very few belongings. Two small boxes - most of it clothes that had been someone else's (had other names written on the labels!). I also tell her that as much as it would crush me, I would trade being her mom for having the childhood she deserved. (((hugs))) Adoption is complicated. YOu are all in for a lot of joy and pain.