Saturday, May 21, 2011

Dammit!!

So much for this cycle, and the next one as well. I bought two more OPT's from the dollar store. One for tomorrow and one for Monday, assuming that I would know one way or the other by Monday night.

Except my traitorous, scum-sucking, deceitful uterus decided to ruin my weekend and the month by starting EARLY. Right now it is just spotting, but I expect a period by tomorrow. Even though I don't know what day I ovulated, the earliest possible date puts this at 12 dpo, so the luteal phase defect is still there, even with the meds.

Of course there is still the slim possibility that this is just the same type of spotting I had early on with Aiden, but I very much doubt it.

The next option has to be a monitored cycle. There is no use spinning my wheels doing the same thing over and over with the same result. There are two problems with that;
a. I probably can't afford it,
b. I would have to come in on cd3 for an ultrasound and start meds. I can't because I am going on an overnight trip for work that can't be changed.

I don't know how rigid that cycle day 3 thing is, but it doesn't really matter - see (a) above.

I knew I would be horribly disappointed if this cycle didn't work out, and I am. But I'm really not surprised. I think I used up all of my good fortune with the birth of my daughter. I can learn to be content with that, I hope, but not right now.

I miss the smell of a newborn. The coos and grunts and unhappy cries. Today I held a 7 month old and he kept smooshing my face into his and chewing on my fingers. I just melted. My friend that is fostering him was not sure they wanted to adopt again (he is their fourth) but her husband fell in love and refused to let him go. I want that, but I realized tonight that I want that without feeling like I stole it from someone else.

Likely the only way I will ever have a newborn is if we do a private adoption (not like I can afford that either), but I have seen some of the predatory practices that adoption agencies use and I am not confident I can find one that respects the first mother enough. Adoption is loss - to someone, somewhere. If the biological parents don't miss the child, the child will miss them, even if they never met. Somewhere there is probably an aunt, a grandmother, even a sibling that wonders what might have been. I know that adoption can provide a much better life, but how do you know? My mother was coerced from her mother and I know things like that still happen. How can I justify getting my dream by ripping it away from someone else?

I don't know where to go from here. I'm still hopeful that something will pan out with the foster adoption but our chances are extremely limited by my husband's refusal to consider legal risk placements. Apparently I'm the gambler in the family. He told me we never had to try again after Aiden died, but I'd rather risk getting my heart broken again then give up so I keep going. Unfortunately he is only with me so far. He can't stand the idea of falling in love with a child to have them returned to their abusive/neglectful family or placed somewhere else. It's really frustrating but I'm certainly not going to force him.

I open to any advice or encouragement. I'm feeling pretty bleak over here.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry...I wish I had the perfect words or advice to give you. Hoping you are guided in the right direction and feel the strength you need to make decisions moving forward ((hugs))

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  2. I suck at advice and encouragement, but I am hoping you find some answers about what to do next soon.

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