Friday, May 13, 2011

This is what I get for not questioning

I like my RE (so far, I only met him once), I really do. What happened with this cycle is, I think, mainly my fault. When I talked to the RE I emphasized that money was an issue but forgot to emphasize that I really don't know what my body does, because it never does the same thing twice, and I wanted to be monitored. So he decided that I wanted as little intervention as possible and didn't offer aggressive (read, expensive) monitoring. All he wanted was a 7 dpo progesterone check. That would have been fine if I had gotten a normal response after taking the Femara, but of course that didn't happen.

My temps started out normal for me, except a little more stable. Then they dipped really low. So low that I thought my thermometer was broken, or I was dying. I bought a new thermometer to double check and it was reading the same. So after several days of low temps and really so-so fertility signs, my temp starts to rise. It jumped up quite a bit from the low point but was about even with the beginning of the cycle. I thought this meant I hadn't ovulated, especially since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet. I did get what I think was a positive OPK the day after my temp rose. The following day the line was definitely darker than the control. The day after that it was still positive. My temp did not go up again so I have no idea if I ovulated or not. It's now been 4 days since the temp rose so I had to hurry up and get the progesterone test set up. That meant scrambling around to find a fax machine and waiting all day to hear back from a nurse.

my chart

When she finally called me, at 6pm, she told me that she thought temp charts were useless, and I quote, "only show how inadequate your body is". She said she wanted to have that put on a t-shirt and was amazed that I had the stamina to chart as long as I have; she only lasted a few months. I agree with her 100%. That's why I quit charting last year. It was just a daily reminder that my body was failing to do what millions of other female bodies seem to have no trouble with. One simple thing and it just couldn't manage it. I didn't know there was another way to track ovulation and she described the protocol she likes to use. Day 3 is an ultrasound to check for cysts and any other problems, and then start fertility meds. Day 12 is a trigger shot to induce ovulation, followed by another ultrasound (I forget which day) to confirm ovulation and a progesterone check on day 21. They tell their patients not to use OPT's and just come in for a beta. So in light of my confusing chart she said to just come in Monday for the day 21 progesterone level. At least I will know if I actually ovulated.

After she said this I told her I was upset that the doctor hadn’t mentioned that protocol because I wasn’t sure I could do another Femara cycle with the migraines it gave me. She said that my RE is very good at reading people and he must have thought the cheaper, less invasive route was preferable to me. I wish he had asked but with the information he had, it was a logical assumption.

So here I am, possibly at 4 dpo, contemplating another cycle of excruciating migraines. I think I can do it if I will get definite answers. Am I ovulating and ovulating well? After that I think we will have to give up or move to injectibles. I seriously doubt the injectibles have fewer side effects, I’m just hoping they have different side effects. Hopefully I will learn this lesson; that I need to speak up for what I want. Hopefully this cycle isn’t wasted.

It has been an especially hard cycle because I possibly ovulated just before Aiden’s due date. Conception could have occurred on his due date. This is messing up my head because it seems like one hell of a coincidence. It is very hard to not attribute divine intervention in those dates (especially considering my period was 3 days late to get this timing). But the problem with suspecting divine intervention is that it gives me too much hope. Surely if God, fate, Aiden, or the universe intervened to cause that timing, they wouldn’t do it for a failed cycle? So I am stuck in this vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and pessimism.

At least my 2WW was shortened by my not catching my (alleged) ovulation until four days later. More news on Monday when I get my progesterone check.

1 comment:

  1. That is alot to deal with. I'm hoping this is the cycle for you. I'm also living in the pessimism/hope/anxiety cycle and it sucks.

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