So this is cycle day 2. I had to go in for my baseline ultrasound today because the satellite office is closed on weekends and the main office is over an hour away. They were nice enough to do the scan today. It went well but the news from the doctor is not good.
He is very concerned about the severe migraine I got with the Fe.mara. I was on that to begin with because I had a bad reaction to Clo.mid. The nurse told me that it is really rare to have someone that reacts badly to Clom.id, and even more rare to have someone react badly to Fe.mara. So I guess that puts me on the bad side of statistics again. The nurse said that the headache could have been a sign of high blood pressure or something else equally dangerous. She kept emphasizing that I already had a baby (I'm aware of that, thanks) and that it wasn't worth risking my life for another (does that mean it is worth it for one?). She told me to go ahead with the Fe.mara and the monitoring but if the headache returns I have to stop the meds immediately and this cycle will be canceled. Which would mean I just threw away the $300 I spent on the baseline ultrasound and the blood tests.
On a good note - the monitoring is not as insanely expensive as I thought. The chart I saw was for injectibles. The nurse I saw today at the satellite office said she has a free round of the trigger shot to give me. I just about leaped over the counter to kiss her.
Unfortunately, if I don't respond well to the meds, we are at the end of the road. I can't pay for the injectibles so there is no point in continuing. I'm trying not to borrow trouble by assuming this cycle won't work, but I've pretty much spent the entire day crying. I kept saying after my pregnancy with Kira that I would much rather get a baby another way. Sometimes lately it seems like I should have been careful what I wished for.
Of course now I just feel like a heal because I caught up on my reader and there are so many women out there dealing with this and worse that have never had a living child. My heart goes out to them because I just can't imagine that level of pain, or the strength it takes to keep going. But despite feeling bad for wallowing is self pity, I can't seem to shake it. So I am baking french bread and drinking wine and crying. I think a hot bath is next.