Tuesday, July 5, 2011

really done?

That's it for me and fertility medicines in pill form. After a bad reaction to clo.mid and now two cycles of severe migraines with Fe.mara, no RE in their right mind will let me try them again. It's not like I would anyway. I do think my life is more valuable than bearing a child. But is hurts, a lot, to know that my chances of another baby are now infinitesimally small.

I had a little hope that this last ditch cycle might work, but my husband is working in the field this week. It's 95+ outside. He's working in fatigues on the beach. Guess what he is cooking while he's out in the searing heat all day long? You guessed it, the one thing that seems to actually be working, his sperm.

I hate that he doesn't care enough about our chances to reschedule his workload. Yeah, he would have to make something up for his boss - but he can't fake a cold for one lousy week? I'm pissed and hurt that he is saving all of his spending money to buy a $400 gun and it never occurred to him to put that towards a cycle. Every time he mentions the extra paycheck we will get this month, he talks about stuff he wants to buy. Frivolous stuff. Crap that we don't need and might not even use very often. I get that he is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and wants to enjoy his money a little more. Yeah, it sucks that we can't go buy something just because we like it. We have both lived that way our entire lives. But, for the first time ever we have a savings account and our debt is actually decreasing and all I really want is a baby. No matter how many times I tell him that, it just doesn't sink in. I don't think it's that he doesn't want one. It's that he really doesn't understand that I have an expiration date (if I haven't already passed it) or he thinks it will just happen if I "relax".

After 3 years and 7 medicated cycles and no live baby, how the hell can he expect a different outcome? I don't even know what to say to him.

So maybe this is the final, really real, really, really real end point. I don't want it to be. I hope I'm wrong*.

* I know - I keep saying I'm at the end of the road. I just can't seem to give up, even when it is obvious I should. Is there anyway to cure that?

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that the pills didn't work (and that you had to resort to trying them in the first place.)

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  2. I'm sorry about the bad luck with the drugs, and also about your husband's actions. My husband is very similar. He gets where I am at but he fails to extrapolate how that plays into other things in our lives (or his life). It's weird. I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings but he doesn't see those kinds of connections until I'm upset and point them out. Then he says "oh yea, I see why that wasn't so nice, but I didn't do it intentionally." There really is something to women being more empathetic than men, and it is so, so frustrating.

    I want to thank you for your comment on my blog post about child care. I really needed to hear something just like that. I'm starting to feel better about the decision, and in large part to the really supportive comments by my blog sisters. Thank you for being here for me!

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