Tuesday, June 28, 2011

ambivalence

I haven't heard anything new about the kids we are supposedly being considered for. When I tried to ask the coordinator if they will tell us if we are NOT selected (so I know to stop worrying about it) she got defensive and didn't really answer the question. I'm pretty sick of trying to get answers from her without pissing her off. She literally holds our lives in her hands and I fucking hate that. She is a burned out, bitter old woman that can't find anything positive to say and I have to be nice to her so she doesn't sabotage our chances at building our family. It is so incredibly frustrating to know what we want and have to accept that the outcome is completely out of our hands. It all comes down to luck and other people doing the jobs they are payed to do. AGGHH!

On the other hand, I have my stupid brain's continuing refusal to give up hope on the biology front. After talking to my clinic I went ahead and filled another Fe.mara script. They were fine with me not getting monitoring if I wasn't having headaches. So I got the meds, and then forgot to take them on CD3. Says a lot about my frame of mind, right? I just started on day 4, figuring that I can't really make my cycle any worse and one day shouldn't make any difference. Problem is, the last two days I've had a migraine all day. This is not a good sign. I may be forced to give up hope but I find myself curiously unconcerned. Is this denial? Or am I finally getting to acceptance? I have no clue. All I know is that I don't really want to be doing another cycle, but I can't make myself stop either.

I need a lobotomy.

2 comments:

  1. I can see how terribly frustrating this is. I hope that you get some answers from that crone soon. And hope on the biology front is always welcome, even if it feels all kinds of crazy.

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  2. It's all such an infuriating waiting game isn't it? I hope you get some good news soon, on either front.

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